Capitalism fails to support Ace’s theory of a matriarchal obsession with tight, youthful vagina
Published by Kyso Kisaen May 27th, 2007 in Shame on you for being a woman, What Patriarchy?At first, I wasn’t sure about Pandagon’s new google ad bars at the top and bottoms of the pages. But upon reading this post, I was convinced that the hilarity and opportunity for discussion provided by an ad bot on a feminst blog outweighs the fact that it kind of clutters up the page.
I always thought google ads were pretty good at selecting ads that were relevant to the topic on the page. However, seeing ads for “femmytight: naturally tighten the female private parts” and “healthy vagina spray” on a feminist post about mocking an insecure man who thinks that (wants to think that?) women tighten up their vaginas to impress each other makes me think that maybe google should re-tool the algorithm a bit.
The ad for SweetSpot Labs (ooh, scientific!) sums up the patriarchy right off the bat:
Shower, shave, oil, cream. Lotion, potion, SPF. Cleanse, tone, treat, moisturize, antioxidant, pro-firming, sunblock. With all the daily steps that make a girl perfectly sweet, there’s still something missing.
Are you sick of having an acidic vagina? Could you be one of those women (if we could call them that) who are just using ordinary hair conditioner to condition her pubic hair? Do you suffer from a “sweetifier” deficiency, the number one cause of our nation’s stank pussy epidemic? If you answered yes to any of these questions, SweetSpot Labs has the solution for you.
Now sweetness marks the spot. It’s the first and best way to balance pH, nourish skin, condition hair and keep that oh-so-fresh feeling-all in a single spray. Use there and everywhere!
Formulated to complement and complete your Intimate Grooming® ritual, this fabulizing mist luxuriates with premium-grade sweetifiers including vitamins, botanicals, pH balancers and for-purpose essential oils. Voila-your sweet spot is sure to find its center.
Who knows, it may actually be the ’something missing’ that’s keeping you from being perfectly sweet, although with the millions of things that could be wrong with your disgusting self it’s highly unlikely. Better buy one of each of SweetSpot’s many products just to hedge your bets.
But like beauty, sweet cunt is only skin deep. It’s all for naught if you’re vagina isn’t up to snuff. If there’s any problem today’s modern woman can relate to, it’s trying to keep her status as the favored wife. Women in polygamous marriages in isolated rainforest villages know that when it comes to making sure you have the status necessary to ensure that your children get their share of the food and survive to adulthood, you simply can’t neglect a single feminine detail. Can your secret garden compete with your husband’s latest child bride’s? If not, the problem is you, not the culture.
Femmytights tightening technology is based on an centuries old tradition of local people in the tropical rainforests. In those communities it is not uncommon for a man to have several wives, The local women use these very same herbs to keep their vagina tight and elastic in order to stay the favorite wife, as they often had to compete with younger women.
Nothing says “I am in full compliance with my duties as a member of the sex class” like shoving a teabag full of god-fucking-knows-what vaguely defined “unique variety of healing herbs from the tropical rainforest” up your twat while using a Sitz bath. That’s right, you are supposed to brew magic tightening tea using only your vagina and one of those toilet accessories used mainly to help ease the discomfort of just having given birth.
If someone can come up with a reasonable explanation for femmytight without using the word or concept of ‘patriarchy,’ I will post it as a guest post, because I’d really like to see if that could be done. Come on Ace, explain that one.
Wait, I’m suppose to put sunblock on my genitals? WTF?
“Honey, I won’t always be around to open jars for you.”
Ok, fine, I got nothin’.
We put a lot of work into making those ads as neat and tidy like a surgicized vagina as possible.
I clicked over to find that eBay is selling female genitals. Considering the first womb transplant was only just done, they’re quick off the mark.
I would invite you to visit my commentary on gender roles in recent superhero movies.
http://gluontheferengi.wordpress.com/
“Femmytight”
Big Old Sigh.
It just never stops, Does it?
My Mind is literally boggling, BOGGLING I TELL YOU!!!
“Wait, I’m suppose to put sunblock on my genitals? WTF?”
Well, you do if you spend your day walking on your hands, wearing no pants. Am I the only one who does that?
I’ve heard from nudists that sunburned genitals is one of the most truly unpleasant experiences that life has to offer.
what the hell, i’ll give it a go…
coming at it from a feminist perspective, yeah, there’s really no way around the patriarchal slant. but i see this more as a spillover of consumer culture into american sexuality than anything else. in everything we do, we are trained to want more, want better. in this case, a tighter box. in other cases, a bigger dick. or one that can rise on command. bigger tits. harder abs. tighter ass.
we are trained to be ever looking for the next big upgrade. the new version of what we already have. products aimed at increasing your ‘perceived value’ on the sexuality market aim to profit off this mentality–that at any moment you could lose your girl/boyfriend/husband/wife to someone just a little better. and if you can just say one step ahead, you just might be able to hold on.
i could be way off on this–after all, one could rather easily argue that consumer culture itself reinforces the patriarch, thus negating pretty much everything i just said–but to me it seems part of a much larger social construction than simple male domination.
If there were no patriarchy, you couldn’t make any of the sales you just pitched. It’s what sets the structure in which we want bigger dicks and tighter boxes. If you didn’t feel that you had to compete with other, richer or more attractive men for access to the best pussy, would you care how big your cock was? If women didn’t feel they had to compete with younger girls to hold on to their alpha male, why would they worry about the size or appearance of their snatch?
So nice try, but no dice.
I think Ace already explained femmytight and he blames the matriarchy. If women would just stop going around and comparing vaginas then there would be no need for vagina enhancing products like femmytight.
Um, seriously though? I got nothin’
yeah, i pretty much resigned myself to failure in the last paragraph. but by then it seemed like such a waste to delete it…
i think there is room to argue, though, that there is a small (perhaps too small to be relevant to this conversation, but i will digress) segment of the population that is attracted to these sort of ‘novelty’ items just for the sake of better sex (’femmytight’ notwithstanding–seems like something they’d sell in the bathroom of a convenience store), or for pure pleasure purposes, rather than out of fear of losing a companion, or not stacking up enough to the competition.
i.e., maybe i (ok, not me per se… the imaginary I) can’t keep up with my girl, so i need something to enhance my performance… i genuinely want her to be satisfied sexually. maybe i love her enough to do anything i can to keep her happy, not out of fear but love–even if my misguided Ponce de Leon-like quest for the ever elusive 2-3 inches may end fruitless. and maybe she thinks a tighter vadge would enhance our sex…like maybe she just wants to feel more? i personally find the product to be particularly silly, but i (maybe just for argument purposes if nothing else) refuse to accept that sexual enhancement products can’t coexist peacefully with feminist ideology.
like i’ve always thought the feminist view of viagra as a tool of the patriarchy to be true to some extent, but an unfortunately narrow point of view. what about happy aging couples that just want to be able to fuck out their final years together? what about other men in otherwise good relationships that just don’t have it anymore and still want to be able to please their partner?
i really believe in any healthy sexual relationship there is adequate room to explore boundaries without reinforcing traditional male dominant roles–even those products which, on the surface, look pretty fuckin skeezy. and you shouldn’t have to feel the liberal guilt thing for enjoying them.
for the record, i would define ‘healthy’ as being two people who understand the nature of the society we live in, accept and fight the fact that we live in patriarchal society, and who can openly communicate with each other about their sexual preferrences.
okay. hope that was coherent.
PS–if i haven’t made it clear: i find this particular company to be complete douchebags who do exploit the worst of our society’s sexual attitudes for cheap profit. fuck them all.