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Remember David Zinczenko? He’s the star quarterback of Men’s Health and Yahoo’s resident expert on dudery. He’s also one of my favorite whipping boys, due mostly to:
1) his appalling lack of basic congitive functions, and
2) his sincere desire to pretend like all of us must be wired that way.

His latest embarrassment comes in the form of a dating advice column. More specifically, David would like to share with us 5 Things Never to Say on a First Date.

I dated Rose McGowan so you better give me my propers!!

His article starts to go off track here:

We all know that first dates are the ultimate relationship chess match.

Unfortunately, that also happens to be the first line of the piece.

It’s always nice to open your dating advice column by framing the daters as opponents trying to trick each other for a win. In case that doesn’t make you hate your next first date, he reminds us everyone’s probably lying about everything anyway, a “thought process” which leads him to this:

But if the goal is to determine whether the two of you may be a good match, then part of the process is not just detecting the lies, but also knowing the best things to say-and avoiding the worst. Do that and you’ll be well on your way to being the kind of person who will engage, interest, and intrigue your across-the-table mate.

Shorter Zinkie: Your date’s probably making up all that crap about liking their parents and doing volunteer work, but you should still try and win them over with amazing chit-chattery.

Is anyone even clear on why he’s writing this column anymore?

Whatever the reason, he launches into his 5 things to avoid on your antago-date thusly:

Say This: What do you do for fun?
Not That: What’s your job like?

I hope someone asks me that someday so I can say “For fun, I like to point out just how embarrasingly vapid David Zinczenko is!” Then again, I’d much rather it be my job. At any rate, David informs us that asking about job crap is boring. Plus, if we’re assuming our dating opponent’s lying anyway, presumably a more open-ended question should allow him or her to spin a less yawnworthy tall tale.

That might be getting a little deep, though. Let’s move into shallower waters:

Say This: You look fantastic
Not That: Good to see you

It may very well be good to see her, but that greeting is about as vanilla as a McDonald’s shake.

…

…

…

Whooo! [Wiping tears.] That guy is FUNNY.

He’s also really super non-sexist, because he wants you to know that being strictly appearance-oriented isn’t just for guys anymore:

The tactic isn’t just for men to use on women, but can be especially effective in the reverse.

Next up, David hopes you’ll refrain from asking important life questions. And anyway, why would you do that when you can talk about surfing and bikinis?

Say This: Got any cool summer trips lined up?
Not That: What do you want to do with your life?

Apparently David would also like us to avoid dating between the months of September and December, when that question would make you look pretty stupid. I’d stretch out on my own and guess that I could ask about Christmas trips over the fall, but I’d need clearance from the Zincmeister before proceeding.

Say This: How’s next Thursday?
Not That: Up to anything interesting this weekend? Want to meet up again soon?

Why be coy? Leave the game-playing for computer solitaire, and you’ll come off as confident (and more appealing) by being unafraid to take the initiative. Plus, you’ll strike the perfect balance-appearing like you have a busy schedule, but also eager to try a second date. This works especially well for women saying it to men, because men are so used to feeling like they have to make the first, second, and third moves before a relationship gets its bearings.

I’m glad someone finally stood up and pointed out what a burden it is to be a guy in the early stages of dating. With great power comes great responsibility, and just once I think David would really appreciate it if you ladies would acknowledge how hard it is to win the chess match and get in your pants sometimes.

Say This: Where you headed for vacation? What’s on your iPod? Read any good blogs lately?
Not That: Can you believe Sanjaya made it that far?

Current events, pop culture, and hair-boy’s shaky voice all make for great conversation-starters-and of course, they can show that you’re worldly, smart, and interested in other things besides your own life. But soon after talking about the world at large, you need to find a way to bring it back to the world of your dinner companion.

Got that? Zinczenko wants you to be sure to indulge the obvious self-absorbtion of your dating foe, but you also shouldn’t forget that talking about American Idol makes you seem worldly and smart.