Does this mean if I changed the name of our blog to Heroin that we’d get busted?
Published by punkass marc May 8th, 2007 in Conformity, DrugsUmmm-um-um-um-um! You can’t sell a product with a naughty name in this country or else you get in big trubs with our dictatorial overlords. Just ask the makers of the energy drink name “Cocaine,” who have decided to temporarily halt production of the brand after receiving “threats” from the FDA.
Cocaine energy drink: now in powdered mix form!
Confession: other than my continuing fascination with the Tab Energy Drink, I have zilcho interest in the energy drink phenomenon. To me, they seem like a wussy stand-in for some blow… which is precisely why I like the idea of calling one what people really wish it was. Maybe in the interests of accuracy they should’ve called it “Cocaine, A Pale Imitation Of” or “LoserBlow” or “Emergency Buzz For When You And Your Dealer Are On The Outs,” but that’s more of a quibble.
The bigger issue ought to be why this is a real cause for concern for the FDA. Shouldn’t they be worried about industrial pollutants in our food and such? Shouldn’t actual ingredients be more important than some lame PR stunt by a company trying to carve out a niche in a flooded market?
What’s really the worst that could happen here, anyway? I guess some kids could assume there was real coke in the drink. Then they might start running around with their Izod collars up and Risky Business sunglasses on acting like Charlie Sheen in Wall Street because they think they’re hopped up on the real thing. But those kids would have to be morons, wouldn’t they? Because everyone already knows cocaine is illegal. And if it were ever legal, it wouldn’t come in a can. [Maybe a Pez Dispenser, but I'm saving those diagrams for the day when it *is* legal and I can make millions off people wanting the ironic satisfaction of flipping back Speedy Gonzalez's dome for some nose candy.]
And what “threats” could the FDA be leveling at the company? Are they gonna send an army of Christian pharmacists after them to pelt them with birth control pills until they change the drink’s name to “The Blood of Christ?” Honestly, I can’t imagine what “threats” they could be making.
We live in a weird country. Last I checked, alcohol is often more dangerous than cocaine or marijuana, especially when driving. Then again, so are cell phones. But not only are coke and weed illegal, invoking their names on a label is apparently verboten. Meanwhile, books like Fast Food Nation engender almost no response from the FDA, which is more interested in playing games with Plan B than meaningfully policing the food and drug industries.
I think I’ll change my name to PCP. That way, my business cards will have the extra cache of being contraband.
I think part of the problem was that they were making claims that it was a health suppliment. They were saying it would lower your cholesterol. I’m sure the name didn’t help, but the drink makers were clearly pretty shady.
Sigh. Way to kill my buzz.
Don’t worry, it’ll be back. They’re loving it - when they finally win, or come up with whatever compromise, they’ll be all “We awesome cause we were banned! By the man! Just like real cocaine!” I can’t feel too bad for these guys, they’re clearly going to win no matter what happens.
The product itself tastes like Red Hots, Sweet n’ Low, and melted plastic. They should have named it “Meth.”
To me, they seem like a wussy stand-in for some blow…
The fact that I’m now having trouble making it through the day without at least one Red Bull backs up this assessment.
“They were saying it would lower your cholesterol. ”
No we were not. We simply listed the ingerdient Inositol and what the medical dictionaries say about it. We made no claims whatsoever. Sorta like the Weapons Of Mass Destruction.
Jamey
What did I tell ya? Slimey as all hell. They’ll come out on top.
And where is the FDA on all that high fructose corn syrup in all these drinks? or the caffeine? How many kids diagnosed with ADD are just Mountain Dew addicts?
Do other blogs get (possibly fake) responses from their critics in quite the same way as this one?
Denise Noe replied, one of the Rebelution guys replied, the Man who’s Better Than Women replied, I know at least one advice columnist said Kyso might like the NYT better…
It is kinda unusual, huh?