I’ve always been a fan of cocaine and the way it provides that extra boost that coffee just can’t while also keeping my lovehandles to a minimum, but it’s just so bad for the heart, you know? Luckily, energy drink maker Redux Beverages has heard my cry.
The Food and Drug Administration said Redux Beverages LLC is illegally marketing the drink as both a street drug alternative and a dietary supplement…The FDA cites as evidence the drink’s own labeling and Web site, which include the statements “Speed in a Can,” “Liquid Cocaine” and “Cocaine – Instant Rush,”
The Cocaine Web site lists an ingredient called inositol and says it reduces cholesterol and helps prevent hardening of the arteries, among other health claims, the FDA said.
I don’t know from inositol, but I guess it’s fairly safe claim that if you are a regular consumer of “legal cocaine” and you have a heart attack, it probably wasn’t the cholesterol.
I’m pretty sure this isn’t the first time I’ve heard of this drink. I dimly recall hearing of it earlier, and the article mentions that the drink owner has been trying for a year to trademark the word ‘cocaine.’
It seems that the federal government frowns upon marketing your overpriced sugar-and-uppers as a legal alternative to a highly illegal substance, and then going a step further and declaring that in addition to being way cool, it’s also like medicine that is good for you. When informed that marketing snake oil is illegal, owners James and Hannah Kirby responded: who, little old us? Aw, shucks.
“Our take on it is we are naive. Everything that we do in terms of marketing of the products, on to all the various marketing taglines, is intended to be tongue-in-cheek,” Kirby said.
Like, totally. These old guys at the FDA are all like, you can’t claim that this stuff is a legal alternative to real drugs AND that it a legit weightloss aid AND that it will lower your cholesterol, but they don’t get it, you know? The kids, they know what’s up. When we said on our website “it reduces cholesterol and helps prevent hardening of the arteries” what we meant was “this drink is wicked awesome,” and if you were cool you’d have gotten that.
The Kirbys are terrible liars, shilling a horrible product that is, at best in staggeringly bad taste.
At Club V20 starting at 9:00 pm free entrance until 10:30 pm on 81 Aquarium way, Long Beach California. You will also be able to try the 2 new flavors of Cocaine Energy Drink “Cut Cocaine” and “Free Cocaine”.
In bad taste and absolutely identical to all the other over-priced energy crap out there, but they’ll only admit that in the newspapers that their target market is most assuredly not reading.
They are such terrible liars and the product is so offensively wrong that I’m pretty sure they’re going to make a million dollars. Check out the cocaine website. Have you ever in your life seen anything so shameless? The word “cocaine” written in a faux-powdery font, the sex and flames and wrestling right on the front page, even before you see the product? And there are more cocaine related non-drink products than flavors of the drink. For $11, you can buy the “cocaine stash pak” featuring stickers, logo dog tags, and temporary tattoos. Cocaine rhinestone underpants, cocaine logo shirts, posters and more. They actually expect people to spend money on the shit that hot women should be giving them for free in bars while she tries to flirt them into replacing the Red Bull in their jagerbombs with her particular brand of energy drink.
That website is a near-perfect unabashed mix of sex, violence and consumerism. They want, nay, need the remaining customers in America who can watch a Saliva video where two hot tattooed women beat the living shit out of each other before enjoying a nice refreshing slug of Cocaine and not see the naked corporate manipulation. They are apparently working on the assumption that the average American consumer is no where near as savvy as the other guys seem to think, and there’s no reason on earth to spend perfectly good money coming up with a slightly more subtle campaign when you can just hold a mirror up to the darkest, saddest part of their soul, associate your product with it, and charge them $11 for shipping it to their door.
And I think their dasterdly plot will work, for their target is the stupidest of the stupid, and their strategy of absolute shamelessness is already working. Just today, my hick-town-gas-station-cashier boyfriend heard all about this new drink from a customer who was so glad that it was finally legalized after being all forbidden and banned. Hey, if The Man is against it, then it’s got to be good.
I’m holding out for Cherry Cocaine.
Or Cocaine Code Red.
Maybe it could be the ironic new drink for the tragically hip? Horn rimmed glasses, a can of cocaine, and a shirt with ALF on it (or whatever it is that kids wear these days).
are you freakin kiddin me? you like completely bashed it at the begining and then said it was ok..i have tasted this shit and absolutely love it. there is nothing anyone can do to change my mind on it. just because it has more caffiene in it and it’s called cocaine and because cocaine is written like an actual line of cocaine doesn’t mean it’s bad. it’s called the “legal alternative” for a reason..they are thinkin “hey maybe if we make this drink feel like the actual stuff many people will stop doin the damn drug in the first place”
i love this drink and can’t wait to get some more..they don’t sell it here in indiana but i’m just waiting for it to get here.
thanks for readin
courtney
Jeez im about to rip somebody off with a 100$ can of liquid cocaine.
they are thinkin “hey maybe if we make this drink feel like the actual stuff many people will stop doin the damn drug in the first place”
Yes, I’m sure that’s exactly what they’re thinking. How could I have possibly missed that? Call the government, we must start a program to offer free energy drinks to every stimulant abuser in the nation! Rock Star for all! Just put that Red Bull in an IV drip, that’ll fix everything!
“If you liked methadone, you’ll love….”
i hope they ban it, the drink stinks too