First, we find out that the Daily Show and Colbert Report contain just as much, if not more, actual news than the average television news program.
Now, the newest version of America: The Book is the teachers edition, and features actual facts scribbled into the margins meaning that America: The Book may now feature more facts than the average grade school social studies text.
Chris Bradley at Deeply Blasphemous has unearthed the Christian answer to all those heathen video diaries and football highlight clips toxifying the internets…
Enter
That’s right, fundamentalist Christianity’s parallel universe has grown a new tumor, but instead of taking the shape of the Virgin Mary, it’s developed into a likeness of YouTube.
The site’s full of everything you’d expect from a fundies-only party — tons of sermon highlights, lots of Xtian Rock videos, and a few lessons on how to be a Christian clown.
That last one isn’t a joke. In just 3 short minutes, you, too, can become a molestation-minded pest to the elderly. Just watch:
I didn’t realize that the Bible taught that all elderly people are to be treated as Jell-O-brained toddlers, but since Jesus died young, I guess he could ony make an educated guess as to what happens to you when those scary-looking grey hairs start popping up. Maybe he thought those were your brain cells reaching for heaven.
At the very least, the Christian clown instructors seemed to take away that lesson, or something similar, from the good book. If you can stomach part 2 of Clown School, please do.
And as part of your preparation for cheering up old folks, make sure to remind yourself of God’s patience and generosity with the fundie version of a highlight reel:
If you ever had any doubt that some fundamentalists take a perverse joy in watching people suffer and die, that clip probably removed it. For whoever made it, each world tragedy is just another pre-party for the Second Coming. Get your wristbands while you can.
For more fun, check out clips of creationism involving naked humans feeding giraffes while elephants and lions leer voyeuristically, the terror of Christian Fear Factor, a creepy Christian drill team dance, and more!
YouTube’s a lot of things, but pornographic isn’t one of them. I can only assume some fundamentalist leaders have decided Daxflame is the antichrist and must be avoided at all costs:
Hi everyone!
Each and every one of you reading this post falls into one of 2 categories:
1) Troll
2) Not a troll
Sometimes, it can be tough to tell the category to which you belong. After all, nobody likes to think of themselves as this. Or this. Or this.
But some of you are definitely trolls, and as Kyso noted, I’ve adopted a scorched-earth policy regarding your comments. Why? Aren’t I just being mean and/or cowardly? Isn’t this destructive to our commenting community? To understand the answers to these questions, we must first identify what makes a troll a troll and remove all doubt as to whom we’re targeting.
Marc’s recent post (which is all about the – dare I say it? P-word) has, predictably, generated some defensive posts. A patriarchy post is not as good as a blowjob post for fanning the flames of the blogosphere, but a patriarchy post written by a guy can generate a decent amount of heat. Unfortunately, Marc’s burn-the-village-and-salt-their-fields method of dealing with trolls has deleted the very comment by PatrickKelly (?) that inspired this post, so I can’t directly quote it. I’ll have to paraphrase:
Patriarchy is bad. But matriarchy would also be bad. But I think patriarchy is the one I benefit from, plus it’s what we already got, so that’s where I’m placing my bets. I think I’ll use the term “humanarchy” as well to show you all that while feminists are dividers, I’m a uniter.
However, if you feminists were more willing to lavish me with recognition and praise, maybe I’d do more to subvert the patriarchy from my privileged inside position. But if I don’t get any credit, then screw you.
If Marc could retrieve the original comment, that’d be great.
The attitude of some of these guys reminds me of my childhood in Overprivileged Suburbansprawlia. In Suburbansprawlia, we had lavish junior/senior proms complete with afterparties to keep us occupied with not having sex. The proms were so insane that classes of 300+ kids had to start fundraising and saving starting in seventh grade. But it’s hard to get a 12 year old motivated about saving a crazy amount of money for a party 5 years in the future, so you have to turn it into a game. A competition with immediate results. We sold candy, chocolate bars, coupon books, popcorn, cookies, whatever. We competed against each other and against ourselves. So many dollars in sales went towards points redeemable for prizes ranging from the crappy to the impossible, plus the top sellers in each class would be rewarded with the best prize of all – money and glory in the form of a check presented to you on a stage infront of an audience of all the suckers you beat. Then we kind of vaguely wondered what the hell was happening to all this money, and long after we had forgotten about doing the work, we this huge, elaborate prom that I personally never attended.
This is what the patriarchy defenders want. Sure, they get that patriarchy is bad for women and that they should totally get around to doing something about it sometime. It’s just that right now, they don’t see that it’s bad for men too and that dismantaling the thing seems like it’s going to take so much time and effort and the goal is so far away and nebulous – if only there was a way to keep these guys motivated. Maybe if they saw more tangible benefits from all this hard patriarchy-subverting work, maybe they could keep doing that work.
Now, it’s pretty clear who they expect to be doing the work of both subverting the patriarchy AND stroking their balls about what good patriarchy subverters they are – at least one of the concern trolls was under the impression that I had written Marc’s post. Which made me giggle for a second, thinking about how awesome it would be to send pro-feminist men out to give these kids the thank-you blowjobs they feel they deserve.
Anyway, since I had a few hours to procrastinate this morning, I put together the introductory pamphlet for the new program I want to pitch to boy’s organizations and frats across the country. It’s a cool way that young men (in age and in maturity) can start to see the rewards of fighting the patriarchy almost immediately.
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According to the earnings spreadsheet in the financial download section of their corporate site, during fiscal year 2006, electronics megosaur Best Buy generated $30 billion in revenue with a gross profit of $7.726 billion.
So could someone please explain to me why they feel the need to swindle consumers out of a few extra bucks?
Even if you don’t care about them, this Klosterman piece is must-read social insight. Any additional lame commentary by me would do it no justice.
TOP SECRET.
The following information is for Masonic Rothschild-Rockefeller cult-cartel members only. Unauthorized access will result in black helicopters swooping down on your bitch-ass and disintigrating you with alien technology.
Is it just us Masonic Rothschild-Rockefeller cult-cartel folks now? Good. Because something has to be done about the guy who invented Scruples.
Henry Makow isn’t just a Ph.D. He isn’t just the man who created Scruples, either. He’s the man who started the website savethemales.ca, and by the look of things, he’s onto our plans for world domination:
I’ve said this before but it’s more true than ever. A satanic cult (Illuminism) is undermining our family identity to render us isolated, childless, sex-obsessed, dysfunctional, and docile.
I am referring to the Masonic Rothschild-Rockefeller cult-cartel which runs Europe and America and is behind Communism and Feminism. Destroying marriage and family was a plank of the Communist Manifesto (1848) and now is part of their satanic NWO.
I hate it when someone peers behind the veil and so accurately conveys the truth of our intentions to the rest of the world. Don’t you?
When I was just a young girl and had not yet been indocrinated by the soothing feminist brainwash, a well-meaning friend of mine gave me a really great summer job. For three summers, I was the token chick in a male-dominated department. My job was to get lunch, take care of all the little boring day-to-day details while the boys worked on more fun things, and to attempt to rein in some of the stupidity emanating from certain coworkers.
I’ll admit, it was fun. The job paid well and most of the guys were quite nice. And I was happy, because I was one of the few girls who ever got a chance to work on this fun job in this cool department, so of course I didn’t want to rock the boat by being too much of a bitch about the fact that I was never trained on quite as many things as some of the other guys. I was not assertive about getting good spots in key projects. So of course, by the time I left, I hadn’t gained as much real experience as the other guys and was percieved as kind of incompetent.
Had I been more of a ball buster, I would have gained more from the experience. I understand that now, and it helps me in my newer, harder, even cooler male-dominated career choice. Men don’t get ahead in competitive fields by simpering at their betters, so why would a woman chose that strategy? Because when you’re young and inexperienced and simply glad to be in the club, it looks like a good idea. By the time you realize it’s not, the damage is already done.
So it is with great sadness in my heart that I snark on Kathleen Bracken, anti-feminist and first-year Engineering student.
FROM THE beginning, women and gender studieshave been inherently political and biased toward radical feminist thought. The description of a “Studies in Women and Gender”course at the University claims that it, “draw[s] on feminist and other critical theories in order to analyze… gendered aspects [in society].” Conspicuously missing from this sentence is the outright admission that only modern liberal theories and ideas will be seriously addressed in the course.
Uh-oh, someone didn’t like her intro to women’s studies elective.
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Sabotabby at The AntiSocial Socialist has one of the more active livejournal sites I’ve seen. Unfortunately, her traffic includes more than just the friendly feminist types. She also suffers the company of a classic soft troll, one of those “I’m on your side but everything you do and say is wrong” types who cloaks his wingnuttery under a veil of helpful advice.
You know the kind of advice I mean — like when trolls try to help us understand why the word “Patriarchy” is so terribly damaging to the cause of feminism:
For the few times I’ve been able to stomach reading Ann Coulter (know your enemy), I’ve never seen her attack someone who wouldn’t already be opposed to her. On the other hand, compare and contrast with the word “Patriarchy” – which even gets zingarella’s boyfriend (who I assume is pretty progressive) feeling defensive because it directly dichotomises the genders (feminists good, patriarchy bad) when there is absolutely no need for there to be this dichotomy. Instead, if you called yourself egalitarians against oppression (which I believe is akin to what you are trying to express), you could say the exact same thing without making potential allies defensive and potential neutrals threatened.
The emphasis is mine, and not just because I felt like breaking up his long-winded rant.
First off, I missed the memo on our genders being switched from “male” and “female” to “patriarch” and “feminist.” Does this mean we need new bathroom signs? If so, I vote for a burning bra on the feminist sign and a big, fat, fucking crybaby on the patriarchy sign, because that’s clearly the vibe those guys are giving off these days.
Being a part of the Patriarchy is like being the good member of the Bush family. In your own mind, you don’t have to self-identify with the ugly part of your heritage, but publicly, you need to accept 3 things:
1) This thing you’re born into, even if it wasn’t your choice, has on the whole been responsible for awful, awful crimes against humanity.
2) When people say “The Bush Family sucks” you need to admit the truth of that statement even if you’ve been performing Jesus-like works of samaritanship. Your exceptions don’t cancel out the larger evils carried out over a much longer period of time by multiple generations.
3) You are part of the Bush family and have benefitted massively from their oppressive acts. People have given you breaks and cut you slack even when you didn’t ask for it.
This may seem like a contradiction on the surface — how can you both reject and accept your Bush-ness? But it all has to do with the mode of acknowledgement.
You don’t need to internalize being a Bush — you ought to rebel against it inside yourself and try to be as un-Bush you can be. But you must also accept that people who don’t like what your family’s done will impugn your family, and by extension you, even though you haven’t been as evil as others.
You’ve benefitted from your status as part of that family, meaning you’re privileged and part of the oppressor class whether you like it or not. This exempts you from pats on the back for combatting said oppression (because at best you’re working your way back to even). It also exempts you from the right to bitch and moan when people do their impugning via language you don’t like.
Again, being a well-meaning male and being The Good Bush are quite similar. We didn’t choose to be born into Patriarchy, but we have been. And even though some of us are trying to act in opposition to the Patriarchy, we’re still part of it. So when people rip on the Patriarchy, those insults also target us by default, but since well-meaning males shouldn’t be internally self-identifying with the Patriarchy, the insults should roll right off our backs. Heck, we should be hurling just as many, if not more, of them.
And we definitely shouldn’t scrunch up our buttcheeks over the word “Patriarchy.” The oppression of the Patriarchy is an entirely factual element of the status quo, and we needn’t avoid talking about it by name — any name — because some men will be offended. No revolution gets very far by kissing the ass of the oppressors.
Why don’t we here more good Christian rock music on mainstream, secular radio stations? I can’t remember the last time I heard a good Payable On Death or Creed* song and was all “yeah, that’s right! That’ll get this country right back on the LORDS! track!” God, those were such great bands. That song about how we are, we are, the youth of a nation…touching. Not the derivative product of a group of over-promoted hacks at all.
But that’s just two bands, out of like, zillions. What could possibly be keeping the rest of the hot, modern, totally not-15-years-behind-the-times Xtian rockers down?
Well, we can’t blame the Jews. Out loud, anyway. So it must be Satan’s fault. Christians were all “oh, we’ll just set some internet filters and rent our movies from that place that filters out all the bad words” turning the other cheek and stuff. What a bunch of pansies! And they were so busy praying that it was the secular world that came up with all the media! Can you believe that?
In this day and age, it is generally the secular world that produces innovative media technology, while the Christian world tries desperately to keep up. By answering revolutionary developments such as the DVD, with things such as stronger profanity filters, we find ourselves constantly on the defensive against the world.
Surely all the Christians were busy tithing or something when technology was out being made, for if a Christian electrical engineer had developed optical storage and playback, he totally would have made it more overtly religious. Same thing for just about every movie or album ever produced. There were *cough* not enough (cough) Christians *snortHINT* involved at the highest (wink) levels of media production, which is why the whole nation is filled with sin at $17.99 a disc.
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This humdinger of a hate rant by Zell Miller strips conservatives of the facade of compassion and lays bare the real motives behind elitist opposition to abortion:
“How could this great land of plenty produce too few people in the last 30 years?” Miller asked. “Here is the brutal truth that no one dares to mention: We’re too few because too many of our babies have been killed.”
Miller claimed that 45 million babies have been “killed” since the Supreme Court decision on Roe v. Wade in 1973.
“If those 45 million children had lived, today they would be defending our country, they would be filling our jobs, they would be paying into Social Security,” he asserted.
One hardly needs a decoder ring to uncover Zell’s objective: he’s carrying on the glorious Southern tradition of railing against people poorer than him for having the gall to try and control their own destiny.
Folks like Zell don’t actually care about the “babies” for the sake of those beings. They only want them to exist as have-nots that can be manipulated, ripped off, and killed at the whim of the haves. To unpack his position a little more, let’s break down Zell’s primary complaints.
“Filling our jobs”
a.k.a.
“Why can’t I pay a janitor $.20/hr, like the good old days?”
Unfortunately for Zell, abortion access prevents people from being saddled with extra mouths to feed, meaning they’re more mobile and can be choosier about their employment options. Abortion access also ruins Zell’s fantasy of a massive underclass packed 20 to a one-room shack and begging for any work at any wage.
“Paying into Social Security”
a.k.a.
“Why aren’t more people filling my gold-lined pockets with their cash?”
Nothing would warm Zell’s heart more than making sure a hefty chunk of that $.20/hr he’s paying his wage slaves winds up back in his pocket. I’m all for Social Security, don’t get me wrong, but Zell isn’t thinking about those who need it; he’s thinking about his own Social Security check and how much he wants to protect it. Social Security may also be code for “goods and services I own, banks I own, 401ks I can bleed dry,” etc. Whatever people are “paying into” in Zell’s mind, you can be certain the ruling class owns it or benefits from it.
“Defending our country”
a.k.a.
“You can’t kill your babies! That’s the president’s job!”
This one really cinches the cold-blooded heartlessness of the conservative mentality on abortion. Zell cares so much about little unborn zygotes that he wants to grow them until they have a whole mess of pain sensors, family and friends that care about them, and the self-awareness to realize they’re being blown to bits for the sake of guarding Halliburton “cheesecake.” Obviously, we aren’t losing in Iraq because of abortion, but even if Zell’s ludicrous fantasy were true, blocking the reproductive choices of others to guarantee yourself a soldier class you can lead to slaughter for your own ends is about the least defensible moral position possible.
Zell Miller flung open the elitist closet and the skeletons are pouring out.
If he has his way, they’re be plenty more piling up.
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