It’s probably no surprise that this absurd yarn was spun by the idle hands of some frat boys who have no other witnesses to back up their claims:
Police have been unable to locate a woman who entered the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity house without permission on Thursday and began to masturbate on a couch.
While fraternity members were eating in the dining room, a woman entered the house’s living room, took off her clothes and started masturbating, said LSA junior Dan Nye, the president of the Washtenaw Avenue fraternity.
Gee, I’m shocked the police havent been able to locate her. Only Santa and Nessie rival the legendary Frat House Masturbonymph in evidential evasiveness.
Don’t believe it was the Masturbonymph? Then explain the woman’s mysterious entrance:
No one saw the woman enter the house or knew how she got in. Nye said she could have entered through the front door, which was left propped open while it was being repaired.
It’s well-known that whenever a normal vagina comes within 50 feet of any frat house, a silent alarm sounds and boys line up to hit on and/or creatively seduce it. Only a supernatural vagina like the Frat House Masturbonymph’s could escape detection and make it all the way to the couch.
Alas, there are some holes in the boys’ story, meaning it might be a fabricated sighting of the FHM:
Fraternity members asked the woman to leave the house, but she refused and continued masturbating for about half an hour, Nye said.
Yeah, that’s pretty unlikely. In fact, you show me a frat house anywhere in the country that would kick any naked masturbating woman to the curb and I’ll show you icicles fresh from hell.
Their story only falls apart from there:
She walked out of the front door wearing only a thigh-length black coat after a fraternity member called the police, Nye said. When police arrived minutes later, the woman had already left.
If someone comes into your house and starts rubbing one out and you honestly don’t want them to be there, it usually doesn’t take you 30 minutes to decide to call the police. If you doubt this, I encourage you to walk into any establishment other than your own home and start masturbating. You’ll either have the police on you in 5 minutes or you’ll have the welcome mat rolled out (along with the video cameras). It certainly won’t take the occupants a half hour to decide which path to take; seeing someone masturbate in the flesh usually causes a person to have a strong and immediate reaction, one way or the other.
Finally, we have this last bit of nonsense:
Fraternity members said they will throw out two couches in the living room because of the incident, Nye said.
Please. If this had actually happened, they’d be sniffing those couches for weeks.*
*Disclaimer: The humor in this piece is predicated on stereotyping frat guys as precisely the kinds of dudes who run around claiming that they wish these kinds of things happened to them. That’s why I find this story so unbelievable; it sounds much more like a stereotypical frat guy’s dream than something they’d call the police over. If you’re offended by me stereotyping guys who willingly opt into sexist institutions like frats this way, I understand, but you’re probably at the wrong website.
It could take 30 minutes to decide what to do, if you’re stuck in a time warp and the coin takes that long to finish spinning through the air and land in your hand.
It’s not April yet is it?
Sorry, that was me..
the best part is how they make it sound all mysterious how she got in, and then immediately follow it with “oh, but it might have been the fact that our front door was propped wide open. maybe. that might just be the solution.” ya think?
i hope this becomes a law and order SVU episode…
I dunno. In my experience, men tend to freak out over women who don’t need men for sexual pleasure. They do tend to cower a bit, get all upset, and then claim victimization because they were “denied” access to my cunt.
In any case, more power to her for freaking out the frat boys.
Edie
This TOTALLY could’ve happened this way. I believe every word.
Maybe she didn’t meet their criteria for “hott” (see: No Fat Chicks)
Sorry, are we sure the boys weren’t watching porn on the big screen and getting a little confused? Sounds like a Penthouse letter or something.
Ms. Misery, your theory is the only semi-credible one I can think of, except that frat boys will still fuck fat chicks–they just don’t post the photos on the internet.
I don’t usually defend fraternity guys but I have no trouble believing the story. Punkass Marc, I think you’re making a common male mistake and assuming that a person described as a “woman” is a hot chick. It was more likely a woman who did not meet conventional standards for female attractiveness who was suffering a manic episode and could have been dirty and homeless as well. All things that would add up to an unfamiliar situation that leads to dithering about what to do. Being face to face with a stranger who is clearly insane can be a disconcerting experience.
That was my take on it, too, Holly. I heard some annoying schlock-jock radio guys talkin about this yesterday–and while they thought it was ‘totally awesome’ thing, I got the idea that, if true, it was probably someone with some sort of mental illness. But who knows. The 30 minute discrepancy is a bit hard to swallow, though. C’mon…. THIRTY MINUTES?
I feel some sort of anti-sexist obligation to point out that this post had the same “they were ____ so they were probably asking for it” rape narrative that many women of certain social status/stereotypes get.
That said, they were __frat boys__ and they probably SOOO wanted it and were totally asking for it and SOOO had it coming to them!
THEORY: That the boys, in fact, called the police over concerns that the female had stopped masturbating.
Maybe I was projecting the dirty and homeless part because the woman who took her clothes off in the bathroom at my law office a few months ago was both of those things. The frequent male reaction to stories like that is that it would be awesome if something like that would happen to them when the reality of the situation was so incredibly disturbing.
I have no problem with stereotyping frat guys. Yet I still have no problem believing the story because what probably happened is that when they were met with a real life masturbating woman, which looked nothing like a scene in a dirty movie, they greeted the spectacle with one part attraction and two parts revulsion. Then they summoned everyone in the frat house to have a look. It was only after everyone got a chance to say, “dude, what the fuck!” to each other did they call the police to get the crazy lady out of the house, which might have been within 15 minutes and might have been within 30. Humans are notoriously bad at estimating time.
It is an amusing story and I’m not missing your point. I wouldn’t be picking nits if it wasn’t such a slow Friday here.
It’s not even necessarily that they were grossed out by the masturbation because it didn’t look like a porno, but that watching sexual acts in porn and having them unexpectedly acted out in front of you are such viscerally different experiences. There’s a sense of “this is so not happening right now” that supersedes feelings of “wow, that’s hot” or “god, how disgusting.” It’s something that makes you either leave the room immediately or invite all your friends to gawk at.
Oh no, no offense taken whatsoever. I had no intention of putting a wet blanket (heh heh, wet blanket) on this hilarious post and opportunity to rag on frats.
Especially THOSE DAMN DELTAS!!!!
ROBOT HOUSE!!!!!!!!
Um. Did anybody actually go and read the article?
I have no problem believing that they spent 30 minutes trying to decide whether to gang bang her or not.
I think I have psychological damage now, mythago.
Hell, now I’m never going to read it.
I seem to detect a suspicion on the part of some commentors that if the same woman had walked in the door and said, “Hi, guys, I hear you really like to party around here! *giggle*” she would more likely have been gang banged than if she walked in, stripped naked, and began masturbating on their couch.
I suspect they’re right.
She had a cell phone, which suggests (defeasibly) that she’s not homeless.
actually, at least one of the guys in the tent city in the woods behind my house has a cell phone. he used it to call one of my neighbors to tell her he’d found her cat. we’re curious about where he’s charging it though.