“If they need to be touched, touch them.” (With compressed video.)
Published by punkass marc March 23rd, 2007 in Conformity, Godbaggery, VideoChris Bradley at Deeply Blasphemous has unearthed the Christian answer to all those heathen video diaries and football highlight clips toxifying the internets…
Enter
GodTube.
That’s right, fundamentalist Christianity’s parallel universe has grown a new tumor, but instead of taking the shape of the Virgin Mary, it’s developed into a likeness of YouTube.
The site’s full of everything you’d expect from a fundies-only party — tons of sermon highlights, lots of Xtian Rock videos, and a few lessons on how to be a Christian clown.
That last one isn’t a joke. In just 3 short minutes, you, too, can become a molestation-minded pest to the elderly. Just watch:
I didn’t realize that the Bible taught that all elderly people are to be treated as Jell-O-brained toddlers, but since Jesus died young, I guess he could ony make an educated guess as to what happens to you when those scary-looking grey hairs start popping up. Maybe he thought those were your brain cells reaching for heaven.
At the very least, the Christian clown instructors seemed to take away that lesson, or something similar, from the good book. If you can stomach part 2 of Clown School, please do.
And as part of your preparation for cheering up old folks, make sure to remind yourself of God’s patience and generosity with the fundie version of a highlight reel:
If you ever had any doubt that some fundamentalists take a perverse joy in watching people suffer and die, that clip probably removed it. For whoever made it, each world tragedy is just another pre-party for the Second Coming. Get your wristbands while you can.
For more fun, check out clips of creationism involving naked humans feeding giraffes while elephants and lions leer voyeuristically, the terror of Christian Fear Factor, a creepy Christian drill team dance, and more!
YouTube’s a lot of things, but pornographic isn’t one of them. I can only assume some fundamentalist leaders have decided Daxflame is the antichrist and must be avoided at all costs:
I’m gonna be doing an interview about various subjects surround the deeply blasphemous novel I’m writing, Simon Peter, and uploading it in a couple of weeks to GodTube. I’ll abide as much as possible to their standards — but terms of service are vague about what is acceptable — and I’ll see what happens!
I, myself, shall try to use GodTube!
What the hell was that Daxflame video about? Does that kid have Tourette’s or something related?
Daxflame is actually some sort of phenomenon, apparently. Nothing makes me feel older than knowing random stuff like that is all the rage with the kids these days.
I actually found that Daxflame video kind of hard to watch. However absurd the cause may have been, I couldn’t help but find the obvious emotional pain affecting. But I guess it all evens out if he’s some kind of YouTube god.
I just woke up from a nightmare to find you blogging GodTube? This has to mean something.
Oh my god. Send that evolution clip to PZ Meyers.
Big Bang as part of the evolutionary theory? Einstien vs Jesus? Science: falsly so called and always changing vs The Bible: God’s infalliable word?
Priceless.
Heraclitus,
I hear you, believe me. That’s part of why it’s fascinating that so many people are drawn to him.
In some diaries (I’ve watched like 5 to see if I could “get it”), Daxflame mixes in some light racism, really nasty comments about his mother, and so on, which makes it tough to be sympathetic to him — until you remember he’s just a kid and obviously suffering from some emotional issues.
All around, he’s a strange phenomenon to me, but that clip I posted has ~100k views and dozens of video responses posted. He’s a bona fide YouTube star. For better or for worse.
It really seems that every popular thing has to have a version with God in it. Soon you’ll be able to go to the supermarket to find food that comes in low-fat, organic, and godly versions (and I’m not talking about Kosher or Halal).
Or has that already happened?
To Andrew: I actually have long thought that is one of the features of religion, that it needs to replace all other things in your life. It is in the design for it to do so. I can’t count the number of fun, intelligent, interesting people I’ve known who have become religious and soon I can’t even talk to them anymore because every subject comes back around to religion, and if I stated my opinions about religion it would probably lead to a conversation that would damage our friendship.
It keeps the religious isolated, except for others who are also religious and lends itself to a sense of persecution that reinforces and justifies the isolation.
Yeah, it definitely makes him less sympathetic to learn that he’s sort of a miniature right-wing blogger. Can you tell if kids are watching his videos as fans or because they’re laughing at him? I’m like you–I feel so old it just doesn’t make an impression, positive or negative. Just mild perplexity.
I get the impression that a lot of people just watch them to laugh, and that Youtube is replacing Livejournal as the big site for stereotypical adolescent moaning.
Andrew, I think that with the Christians who make a Christian version of everything, it’s an attempt to avoid an unclean “secular” culture—often, “secular” is just a code word for “Jewish”, I think.
He does get a bunch of adoring comments and tribute videos made, but he also inspires plenty of the opposite…
Andrew, I think that with the Christians who make a Christian version of everything, it’s an attempt to avoid an unclean “secular” culture—often, “secular” is just a code word for “Jewish”, I think.
Those Christians are the ones that have a hard-on for that good vs evil, warrior for the lord, be “equally yoked” stuff. Having a seperate, Christian version of everything is also a good way to maintain your persecution complex and provides a safe venue to out-pious your neighbors, Puritan-style.
wow, a pious-off would be a hoot.
So, do you think they would drop abstinence-only education if someone came up with a Christian condom? A Prophylactic for the Pious, a Rubber for the Redeemed…I can’t think of any clever names.
Dax is quite understandable to me now that I am devolving into senility. Bring on the clowns!
The conservative attack on our internet is on. Prepare for battle, my radical humanist friends.