PunkAssBlog.com

It’s dinnertime, and therefore a light blogging hour-lucky for me MSN is recycling some crap I swear to god Amanda wrote about back on Mousewords, but this time, it’s been stuck in their empowerful “Be Jane!” section, which briefly fooled me into thinking there’d be some kind of home-improvement project.

In my defense, it did have the word ‘fix’ in the title:

What Guys Hate About Your Bedroom (And How to Fix It)

I know what guys hate about my bedroom, because my boyfriend told me: they hate how I wrap myself in the whole blanket and then actually knee them in the balls when they try to get just the smallest corner for themselves. And they hate how I fall asleep in the middle of the bed and then use the power of REM sleep to quadruple my body weight, making myself absolutely immovable and forcing the men to sleep on the couch.

I suspect my boyfriend of exaggerating almost as much as I suspect the rest of the article as being completely full of crap.

So what is your bedroom saying to others? If you’re single (or even if you’re not), this is no small matter….The things a newcomer notices when walking into a room can be quite different than what friends and family see. And of course your friends or family probably won’t mind if there are clothes on the floor or if there is cat hair everywhere, because they know they don’t have to live with you!

As opposed to a guy that you brought home to sleep with, because until he saw the cat hair he was totally thinking about living with you. Better wait until you have his name on a lease before you let him know that you’re sloppy and own a cat.

Your dates don’t know you for the wonderful Jane you are yet. They are just trying to figure you out and believe us, they’re looking for clues as to how you live.

Look, you put on a push-up bra and did your hair for the date right? Why wouldn’t you be just as deceptive about your living space? Let him find out about the saggy boobs, the limp hair, and the piles of laundry and bathtub full of soap scum later.

Yes, it’s true. What your bedroom looks like can mean the difference between another date and a phone that stops ringing. Plain and simple, most guys look at your bedroom as a sort of Holy Grail of information. Not just on what it says about you, but whether or not they can picture themselves as a part of it.

See, told you he was thinking about moving in. This is why you need to redecorate every time you think you might get some action. The room that felt warm and inviting to you turned off all the guys, but that doesn’t mean today’s mountain-biking accountant is going to feel all right peeing in the same corners as yesterdays sci-fi loving restaurant manager. But that’s a whole nother article. Today let’s focus on what’s wrong with you:

And the problem is, you’re a flaming stereotype and the boys find it icky. And rightfully so.

We know the story: beautiful things make you feel beautiful. And what some women consider beautiful are often floral patterns, ruffled pillowcases and lace window treatments. Put all three of these together in one room and you have a date repellent. OK, maybe it sounds a bit extreme, but many men would agree.

Lace window treatments are date repellent? But they make a room look so fresh and airy. Well, I have these heavier mauve curtains that were left over from…

Oh.

Other offenders? Color.

“I can’t stand when I go into a girl’s bedroom and everything is pink,” he continued. “A little pink is okay, but not the whole thing. I don’t want to feel like I’m sleeping inside a Pepto Bismol bottle.”

It’s dark. You just had sex. You can’t see the pink and you just got some, what the hell are you complaining about?

The Verdict: If you are in fact a flaming stereotype of femininity, may want to tone it down. On the other hand, if you are that invested in pink frills, maybe you are better off not settling down until you find a man who thinks that that’s just what the insides of houses look like because, hey, they’re full of women.

2) Guys Hate…A Shrine to Your Stuffed Animals

Collecting can be a great hobby, but when more than five stuffed animals are living on your bed, it’s a zoo.

Who does this? Well, not a lot of people. My stuffed animals (and the boyfriend’s) hang out in baskets and closets in little-used rooms. Luckily, they managed to interview a guy who went out with a crazy woman once to let us know where the line is:

“No one wants to date a woman who still lives like a little girl,” says Peter, 40. “I once dated a woman who actually introduced me to her stuffed animals, one by one. It was pretty clear at that moment that my night would include a solo drive home.”

That’s the kind of neurosis that will keep you sleeping alone, talking to your stuffed animals until your sister comes by to check up on you and discovers that you haven’t been taking your meds.

Don’t be that woman, ladies. It wierds out the menfolk.

Oh, and one more note on the subject of stuffed things: plenty of guys also hate a bed covered with pillows.

“What’s with the dozens of throw pillows on the bed? It’s just more clutter than you need,” one divorced dad told us.

Well, divorced dad has never slept with Kyso Kisaen, master pillow thief. And the person who makes the bed gets to choose how many pillows go on it, not, I’m sure, that would have come up in the divorce.

Also not allowed are pets and filth: pets because they compete with him for your valuable attention, and filth because how is a woman who can’t clean up after herself supposed to clean up after both of them?

Well, if you budget for a maid now, you can keep on paying her after you’re married and he never has to know until you quit to have kids and the maid expense can be hidden in the new-kid expenses. Trust me, this plan is foolproof.

Peter: “You’d think because she was a model that she would be somewhat neat. This woman’s place wasn’t just dirty, it was trashed. She didn’t seem to care or even notice, which was honestly quite scary.”

The Verdict: If you think that there is even a slight chance of one thing leading to another, clean your room! Neat freaks have an unfair advantage in this department, so if you can’t train yourself, hire a maid.

And finally, your roommate is messing up your game:

Many of us continue to have roommates long after graduation. (Living with them is an entirely different article altogether.) The open door policy that you and your roommate have developed should be amended when your guy is over.

“My girlfriend and I were walked in on by her roommate,” said Chris, 28. “I was mortified.”

First off, me and my roommates NEVER had an open-door policy. Between the one’s porn addiction, the other’s sleeping-in-the-nude, and my own having completely different plumbing than them, no one ever opened a door without permission. A closed door means something.

Secondly, what’s wrong with this tool? With a bit of quick thinking, instead of whining to MSN about how mortified he was, he could be writing to Penthouse about how lucky he was. Hey, if the roommates are that close that they barge in on each other when the door is closed, why not ask?

Anyway, standard wrap up: much like some religous folk strive to behave as though God were looking over their shoulder at all times, so should the desperate strive to behave as though Mr Right was casting his critical eye over their most private living spaces right then. Forget how much you loved sitting in bed, reading while propped up by your many pillows, for this is the way to happiness.