when the status quo frustrates.

The war on unhappiness, or turn that frown upside down before I do it for you

Wednesday, February 28th, 2007

I want to know where I can get a chip for my shoulder as big as this guy’s.

I suppose if I were a six-foot, six-inch tall man with a hateful grin plastered on my face, I might suffer fewer daily reminders of how other people see me. Being a good deal shorter, and having genitals much less prominently displayed, I have to settle for an impotent “Jesus, why you feminazis gotta be so goddamn uptight?” or “Just because I spent the last five blocks leering and catcalling at you doesn’t mean I’m hitting on you, you ugly bitch, so don’t flatter yourself” when the world fails to conform to my desires.

But if I were blessed with perfect oblivion, I could take feminist hostility to people who order random women on the street to feign pleasure as a call to strengthen my crusade against surliness.

A zombie-faced sourpuss glooming up the world is the same no matter what genitals they happen to possess. I say “Smile!” And, having seen the idiocy of some of these responses, I will now be far more militant and mindful about it. It’s a war between those who mope and slouch through life and those who want to spread some love.

Amen, brother. Peace. And it’s not just out on the streets that we’re needed, I say. How many women are causing unneccesary discomfort and suffering to their sexual partners by not faking their orgasms convincingly enough? When did sexual climax become more important to us than happiness?

But we cockeyed optimists realize it may already be too late for the world. Feminists, atheists, and eyeliner-wearing goths have been allowed free reign to spread their misery and gloom far too long. It’s gotten to the point where you can’t even dismiss a woman’s concerns without being asked if you can’t pull your head out of your ass before you suffocate yourself. It’s sexism, is what it is.

If you say “People should relax and be less sensitive,” you’re a patriarch trying to control women. If you say “Abortion shouldn’t be taken lightly,” you’re a patriarch trying to control women. If you take a BREATH, you’re a patriarch trying to control women.

On Pandagon, my MALE-ness makes everything I say skewed or damaged or wrong in some way, automatically. Ironically, this is how the true sexists I’ve known in my life view women’s ideas.

“What does she know? She’s just a goddamn mouthy cunt.”

But perhaps that is Pandagon’s aim: to let ME know how it feels to be regarded as just a “mouthy cunt.” It has worked. It hurts and it angers.

The reign of the downtrodden must be stopped. We the cheerful must rise up and demand from the populace the displays of happiness we deserve.


Well said, sir. Well said.

China makes cyborg pigeons

Wednesday, February 28th, 2007

Damn, that may be the greatest blog post title ever.

Anyway, China does indeed have remote-control pigeons with implants in their brains.

The implants stimulated different areas of the pigeon’s brain according to signals sent by the scientists via computer, and forced the bird to comply with their commands.

If you want to see gory pictures of exposed pigeon brain with chips stuck in them, the path starts here.

These puppies fetch only cruelty and suffering

Monday, February 26th, 2007

Awww. Widdle Democwat puppies are so cute! They run around licking everyone’s faces, begging to be the center of attention in that cute way that suggests they don’t know any better.

Except not every fuzzy face is an actual cute widdle Democwat puppy. Some of them are parasitic wingnut spawn masquerading as friendly critters, working their way into our homes to take us hostage and bleed us dry. Here’s a photo of these double agents in their natural habitat:

While the false Democwats may nuzzle us affectionately much of the time, when the Republican overlord calleth them to the nipple of misinformation, the pups drink greedily. That way, they can spit it back up on our carpets. This is especially true regarding Iraq.

Despite firm commands from their so-called owners (i.e. all the folks who voted them into office), these evil mutts continue to foster the abuse of American soldiers perpetuated by their real masters, the Republicans. After John Murtha introduced a sensible plan requiring soldiers to have at least a year off between combat tours and ending our stop-loss policy, the Demo-spawn upchucked the following:

Rep. Jim Matheson (D-UT), of pro-bankruptcy bill and pro-CAFTA voting fame, fumed that Murtha’s proposal “is a non-starter, an absolute non-starter” because he claimed – without any proof – that it “holds back resources from our troops.” Rep. Jim Cooper (D-TN) breathlessly declared that Murtha “stepped all over [the] message of support for the troops.” And Freshman Rep. Joe Sestak (D-PA), who’s major campaign issue was opposition to the Iraq War, said he is “a bit wary” of the proposal.

Do not be fooled. Just because we elected to feed and house them, these Congressmen are not ours. They’re someone else’s lapdogs entirely.

Unfortunately, we still have to clean up all that puke.

I know, I know…

Monday, February 26th, 2007

Been sparse PAB feastings lately, but folks ’round here are crazy busy. We’ll be picking up speed soon, though, don’t you worry.

B/c I know you are _totally_ worried.

At last, the Holy Grail of Concern Trolls

Thursday, February 22nd, 2007

Joseph A. D’Agostino certainly gets no pleasure from pointing out the delicious irony that because of 40 years of Western feminism, Chinese girls are on the verge of extinction.

Suck it up, ladies, we have no one to blame but ourselves.

The sex imbalance continues to worsen, not improve, thanks to the ever-increasing spread of cheap abortion and ultrasound technology into more and more areas of China, India, and other countries.

…Feminists like to blame this rapidly-worsening situation on “patriarchy,” but that has been around for thousands of years and is less powerful today than ever before. What is new, is the access to abortion in so many places. And this has long been a paramount goal of feminists: To grant the “right to control her own body” to each woman on Earth via unrestricted abortion. That, combined with falling prices for the ultrasound machines that can reveal an unborn child’s sex, has produced the disastrous situation that the Asian world is in now.

I honestly almost didn’t blog this because I simply didn’t know where to start. His assertion that patriarchy is flaccid and weak in China and India, and while it may have been a factor in yesterday’s sex-selective infanticide it certianly has nothing to do with today’s sex-selective abortion or massive girls-abandoned-in-orphanage-by-able-bodied-parents problems? His weak attempt to vaguely connect sex-selective abortions in China and India with America’s sexual revolution? His wierd impression that feminism is only 40 years old? Or the fact that everything after the patriarchy-is-weak paragraph spells HI, I’M THE PATRIARCHY AND THIS IS HOW BAD I CAN GET until he finally non-sequitors over to a final paragraph about how we need to ban all* abortions in America before resident foriegners abort all their girls and then the practice will catch on and whooo willlll marrrryyyy hissss ssoooonnnnnnnssssssss?????!!!!11!

Should we wait for this problem to develop into a substantial one here before taking action? As Americans, we should ensure that this immoral and socially destructive habit does not become entrenched here as our Chinese and other immigrant communities continue their rapid growth. China and India outlawed sex-selective abortion years ago, to no effect, and their societies are headed over a cliff. Here in the United States, with our more effective regulatory structure, we should outlaw this practice and seek to eliminate it elsewhere around the world before this crisis gets any worse.

The worsening sex ratio of the world in general, and Asia in particular, is proof that abortion-on-demand isn’t practical.

But maybe we should listen to him, girls. I mean, he’s clearly concerned about the ladies.

Anyway, there is too much here for one blogger to blog alone. Please, join me in the comments. There’s enough here for everyone. And a special request for links to any good blogs on this subject – all I ask is that at least some posts are in English so I have some idea what I’m blogrolling.

*Well, not all, just the sex-selective ones. But unfortunately the reason the sex-selective abortion bans in China aren’t working are because those son-greedy she-whores can easily lie, so well, you understand…

Fight for your right to party (in 2107)

Tuesday, February 20th, 2007

6,577,667,763 people are running, walking, crawling, sitting, or lying down somewhere on this planet today. Since typing it, the number’s already grown to 6,577,667,834.

Over the last hundred years, fears of mankind causing its own demise have gone from inconceivable to real. Initially, we fretted about our newfound capacity for global nuclear war, but now we know that (dinosaur flatulence aside) we may bake ourselves off the planet before we can bomb ourselves off it. Or maybe we’ll just watch that population counter keep ticking upwards until we develop the conditions for disease to do the dirty work.

I hate to be the alarmist type, but we seem to be increasing both the means of human extinction and probability of each of those means to succeed.

Meanwhile, in America, we’re inundated with hours of coverage of Anna Nicole Smith dying and Nancy Pelosi daring to fly across the country in a big plane. We’re told to ignore the criminal acts of the president, even when they’re proven by the Pentagon, and plenty of folks seem happy to follow the script. More than all other nations combined, we’re responsible for pushing the doomsday clock hands perilously close to midnight, yet we can’t even agree to cut back on the production and purchase of SUVs.

At some point, it’ll be too late. I imagine most PAB readers agree, and, sans change, the majority of us will probably be alive when that realization begins to wash over everyone else. Talk about an empty victory.

I’ve been racking my brain trying to think of a culture this out of control that kicked its self-destructive habits without first having to endure major trauma and/or tragedy on a scale that makes 9/11 seem irrelevant. But I can’t drum up a single one. Can you?

Scary thought.

It may be too late to save the media, but perhaps the rest of us haven’t yet become the Roman orgiasts the world rightly assumes us to be. There might be time left to reverse our course. After all, most Americans want action on warming. Lots of us want to call off our surprise Middle East destabilization party. Sentiments of guilt and urgency are beginning to ripple through our populace on a number of issues.

Unfortunately, most Americans also lack an obvious outlet for responsible action. No one person (not sitting in Dick Cheney’s lap, anyway) can stop the war, none of us can singlehandedly cool down the planet, and we definitely can’t pull a Superman IV and disarm the superpower(s). But the signs that we want to help are out there, which is precisely why conditions are ripe for — *gasp* — regulation.

Whatever steps are necessary to curb our irresponsible behavior, we have to sign everyone up for them. We can’t wait for voluntary action; we need organized sacrifice. Some of our country’s most selfish corporations have already come together begging the government to regulate them for their own good, and if the anti-reg fatcats are on board, how unwilling do you really think the rest of Americans are?

That’s why 2008 is so effing important. We have to pick a president with the guts to demand we tone down our gluttony. We have a small window left where real change can make a difference, and I don’t know if it’ll still be there in 2012.

If you’ve ever thought of participating in politics, make a go of it in 2007 and 2008. Pound the pavement for a candidate, work voter registration drives or phone banks — whatever actions appeal most to you. I’m sure lot of you are already the participatory type, and if so, grab one of your complain-y friends who never actually steps up to the plate and bring them along for the ride. Let’s do something to get the right person through the primaries and then haul their rear ends up to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

That way, at least we can say “I did something about it,” which will feel a whole lot better than an “I told you so” accompanied by our demise.

But what if you can’t lick your own cone fast enough and need help to finish it before it melts?

Sunday, February 18th, 2007

A couple of Rebeloution groupies have their own petition up and running for the Rebeloutionettes to thank the Rebeloutionaries for taking the survey which cleared up, once and for all, the modesty issue.*

I mention it only because a quick look at their blog suggests that maybe Marc should expand his Bluey series to include more examples of this “bodily autonomy” concept. Because while I am neither a theologian or a lawyer, I’m pretty sure that just because some guy raped your ice cream it doesn’t make you a slut:

An employee behind the counter…begins to pile your order of ice cream into a glass bowl. [...] Your mouth waters as you wait expectantly for your order.

The tanned employee begins to pass you the ice cream, but instead, grabs a spoon and digs into your ice cream. Placing the spoon in his mouth, his green eyes roll back as he savors the bite.

You stare in horror and disgust.

The boy swallows. “Duuuude, that was awesome.”

It is a ridiculous situation. What employee in his right mind would ever steal a bite from a customer’s ice cream? What customer in their right mind would idly stand by, allowing him to do so?

Yet purity is treated in a similar fashion. Sex is often ignored as a gift from God–that is, a part of the marriage union, and instead utilized for a moment’s pleasure. While it is most shocking to hear of someone assuming the rights to someone else’s ice cream, we merely shrug at the idea of sexual purity being flippantly surrendered.

Look, it was wrong of the employee to take your ice cream, just like it would be wrong of him to fling you down upon the marble slab and ravish you ravishingly while you begged him to stop. It doesn’t seem like the nameless protagonist “flippantly surrendered” her (I’m assuming ‘her’) ice cream to the big, bad, yet strangely appealing ice cream employee so why are you being so hard on her? She was clearly victimized here.

However, if you knew the guy and wanted to share the ice cream, if he asked first or if you offered, and you both used different plastic spoons after having an honest discussion about how you might handle any ramifications of ice-cream sharing- well, that’s a bit of a different story, isn’t it?

But you know what else is wrong? For committed, look-at-me-I’m-a-virgin-capital-V chastity cheerleaders to use such sexually charged purple prose. No more savoring ice-cream orgasms for your characters until you’ve passed at least one college-level fiction writing class.

*Disclaimer: Survey for entertainment use only and does not claim to be of any practical use. Survey results not responsible for expenses, damages, confusion, tears, or guilt suffered by persons attempting to use results to guide future wardrobe decisions.

Modesty is almost as important as patriarchy and profits, and you’re the lucky girl who gets to resolve the conflicts between them!

Saturday, February 17th, 2007

The Modesty Survey has been launched (and now features instructions on how to access and interpret the results) and we can all sleep easier knowing that someone has finally given men a voice on the topic of womanly appearance. It’s hard to draw any concrete conclusions from the survey, except for the obvious ones (tube tops and fishnets NOT modest? Be still, my heart!) so you’d best resign yourself to second guessing every piece of fabric that hits your skin. Or ask your husband/father if what you have on turns him on enough (but not too much) without causing him to be jealous of the greedy eyes of other men upon you (NOTE: try not to think about your husband judging you with they eyes of your father or your father thinking like men who want to tap you too much, because here there be nausea).

Anyway, the sum of the results seems to say that somewhere in the large grey area between just staying home and sitting in the dark with the curtains drawn and running through the town naked, there is a small band of grey hues that represent just the perfect amount of modesty and femininity. You should devote many resources to determining where this band is and not deviating from it.

No large, confusing and sometimes conflicting list of quasi-rules about women’s duty to shield men from themselves would be complete without a passive-aggressive Nice Guy(TM) touch, so attached to the survey is a petition which confirms that this survey is NOT a be-all, end-all list of rules, but merely a set of guidelines that have this biblical basis so while you as a woman are not OBLIGATED to take the results to heart it would just be so nice and generous and godly of you to at least try and (cough cough) the type of guy you totally want to marry is totally into nice, generous godly girls. Just sayin’.

Erica Barnett has a few highlights from the comments sections of the results, specifically the parts where men over 30 address a target audience of girls who seem to be about 12-22 years old with phrases like “Yes, you can turn me on, but don’t expect me to respect you.” Hey, Skippy, I’m not sure these girls are aiming those halter tops at you specifically but please don’t let me stop you from thinking that you are at all relevent to the teenage dating scene.

But why focus on the negative? Or the creepy? Let’s talk about what we can do!

new server, a few lost comments

Saturday, February 17th, 2007

Hey all.

Punkassblog and Pangdagon both underwent a server upgrade. I am attempting to retrieve any comments lost in the move since yesterday; apologies if your thoughts got lost in the fray.

Careful with this one, boys: relationships have ended over badly thought out gifts.

Wednesday, February 14th, 2007

Happy Valentine’s Day, Baby!


What, for me? Oh, you shouldn’t have! (*Unwraps elegantly, nay, professionally wrapped, lit and photographed gift*)

Hey, this isn’t flowers, chocolate, jewelry, a stuffed animal, or anything else even remotely approaching a Valentine’s Day gift. It’s just a list of perfectly ordinary things I wear everyday and a bunch of commentary from complete strangers about how it gets their rocks off.

I had it framed. Look, the frame has hearts on it. That’s because I love you. That’s what hearts mean. Don’t you like it?


No, no, really look at it! You see sexy chick with the veil is you, cause you’re hot, right? And the veil is your modesty, which just makes you hotter! To me! And just about everyone else, which is why you need the veil to keep them from being blindsided by lusty thoughts about your hotness! It’s a compliment!

Well, it just seems like maybe you could have put this picture of us at Six Flags in the frame as a sweet gift, instead of a list of all the different ways I’m obligated to modify my already boring behavior to keep ant out of the pants of strangers.

You still don’t get it! Look, a lot of people worked very hard on this and it’s very meaningful! Like, take the format of the results: notice how slick and professional the programming is. That represents your appearance-carefully thought out, probably a little expensive, and very attractive. Then, the lack of instructions on how to read the survey represents the hazy, undefined nature of modesty. You have to figure it out for yourself. So the first thing you think of is to ask someone else, right? And that’s what clicking around for a few minutes until you finally figure out how the results are presented represents? See??


And then see how you have to click on every statement and wait for the results to load individually, and how there’s no summary? That represents how much of your time and attention would be sucked up by trying to achieve this nebulous, completely arbitrary goal of Christian modesty!

You know….

Wait! I’m not finished! Look at the girl with the veil again! Perfect ivory skin, blatently photoshopped blue eyes, excessively groomed eyebrows. That not only represents how being “modest” does not exempt you from more mainstream beauty standards, but it also draws parallels between the unattainable, time and money sucking goal of youth and beauty as put forth by magazines like Cosmo and the unattainable, time and money sucking goal of being modest enough to guard others from sin. Both put an unnecessary onus on women’s behavior for the benefit of men, and both serve to divert a girls attention from ungirly things.

Ungirly things?

Yeah, like education or why women make less and why it’s ok for this survey to exist in the first place and stuff. So you see now? I need you to take these rules to heart. I need you to behave like these other girls, otherwise how am I to know I’m a man?

And what do I get out of this?

The real prize: me!

I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

What a worldy bitch. Is there any among the daughters of Eve who are righteous enough to vie for the prestige of being permitted access to the rights and resources that come with my mighty cock (in holy matrimony, of course)?

Enjoy the results of the modesty survey -
I’ll post on the actual substance later. I was really very suprised by how inaccessable the results are, and lack the patience right now to go through it.

Entertainment machine that gave us “Norbit,” “Air Buddies” begins to figure out piracy is never going away, hackers now only 9,999 steps ahead.

Tuesday, February 13th, 2007

Two related and interesting items get slashdotted today:

One, a 6-page Vanity Fair article on piracy in which details the movie and record industries’ losing battle against downloading. Remember those awful anti-piracy commercials that they used to lecture you in movie theatres, where you had clearly just paid them their damn money?

Another P.S.A. argues that people who buy pirated films are hurting Hollywood’s ordinary folks, the humble artisans who toil backstage building pedestals for the stars. The M.P.A.A.’s case might have carried more weight had it not featured the heartfelt testimony of Ben Affleck, a man who was paid $12.5 million to star in Gigli.

Turns out a combination of preaching to the choir and sueing everything in sight and even being able to strong-arm foriegn governments into acting in your interest against those nasty non-American hosts won’t stop the future especially when the future involves more people than could ever be sued easily getting stuff for free. And some industry executives are finally starting to see that:

Among the few senior entertainment executives who have been able to absorb this seemingly basic aspect of human nature is Anne Sweeney, president of Disney–ABC Television. In her keynote speech at the October 2006 MIPCOM audiovisual-content market in Cannes, France, Sweeney broke ranks with her boardroom peers to make a bracingly pragmatic statement. “Piracy is a business model,” Sweeney said. “It exists to serve a need in the market—consumers who want TV content on demand. And piracy competes for consumers the same way we do: through quality, price, and availability.”

Which leads us to our second item of note: with most Americans only somewhat aware that they are in the middle of the VHS/Beta wars of our time and with Blu-Ray and HD-DVD players still in the insanely expensive generations, the security on both super-discs is already cracked. Now you can easily copy and disseminate a higher quality picture than ever before!

Arnezami, a hacker on the Doom9 forum, has published a crack for extracting the “processing key” from a high-def DVD player. This key can be used to gain access to every single Blu-Ray and HD-DVD disc….

AACS took years to develop, and it has been broken in weeks. The developers spent billions, the hackers spent pennies.


My favorite part of the Vanity Fair article?

…George Lucas came out with the startling announcement that his company had decided that making feature films was now “too expensive and too risky” in the current climate…

I know stealing is a sin, but I can’t condemn anyone participating in a mega-trend that starts prodding Lucas towards a dignified obscurity. If he never makes a feature film again, perhaps we can pretend the last round of Star Wars never happened and remember him only for the good times.

Good news from Portugal

Sunday, February 11th, 2007

Portuguese women will soon have access to legal early-term abortion.

Prime Minister Jose Socrates has said abortion will be legalised in Portugal despite the turnout for a referendum being too low to be legally binding…

The proposal allows all women abortion until the 10th week of pregnancy….

In cases of rape, abortions are allowed within 16 weeks. The limit is 24 weeks if there is a risk that the child will be born with an incurable disease or deformity.

While not ideal, this is a big step for a very conservative country, and I think it’s a very encouraging detail that the lawmakers will be acting on the referendum results even though they don’t technically have to because of low voter turnout. People against abortion in America might benefit from the lessons learned by this religious country:

As a result many Portuguese women go to Spain for terminations or resort to illegal abortions.

Some women have abortions done in unsanitary conditions and risk ending up with infections or other serious complications from which they may die.

Mr Socrates had called for voters to back the changes to put an end to the “national shame” of back-street abortions.

“The choice placed before Portugal is whether it resigns itself to staying in the group of the most conservative countries or if it embraces modernity and joins the most developed nations,” he said on Thursday.