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The Modesty Survey has been launched (and now features instructions on how to access and interpret the results) and we can all sleep easier knowing that someone has finally given men a voice on the topic of womanly appearance. It’s hard to draw any concrete conclusions from the survey, except for the obvious ones (tube tops and fishnets NOT modest? Be still, my heart!) so you’d best resign yourself to second guessing every piece of fabric that hits your skin. Or ask your husband/father if what you have on turns him on enough (but not too much) without causing him to be jealous of the greedy eyes of other men upon you (NOTE: try not to think about your husband judging you with they eyes of your father or your father thinking like men who want to tap you too much, because here there be nausea).

Anyway, the sum of the results seems to say that somewhere in the large grey area between just staying home and sitting in the dark with the curtains drawn and running through the town naked, there is a small band of grey hues that represent just the perfect amount of modesty and femininity. You should devote many resources to determining where this band is and not deviating from it.

No large, confusing and sometimes conflicting list of quasi-rules about women’s duty to shield men from themselves would be complete without a passive-aggressive Nice Guy(TM) touch, so attached to the survey is a petition which confirms that this survey is NOT a be-all, end-all list of rules, but merely a set of guidelines that have this biblical basis so while you as a woman are not OBLIGATED to take the results to heart it would just be so nice and generous and godly of you to at least try and (cough cough) the type of guy you totally want to marry is totally into nice, generous godly girls. Just sayin’.

Erica Barnett has a few highlights from the comments sections of the results, specifically the parts where men over 30 address a target audience of girls who seem to be about 12-22 years old with phrases like “Yes, you can turn me on, but don’t expect me to respect you.” Hey, Skippy, I’m not sure these girls are aiming those halter tops at you specifically but please don’t let me stop you from thinking that you are at all relevent to the teenage dating scene.

But why focus on the negative? Or the creepy? Let’s talk about what we can do!

Bare feet? Check and check! Over 80% of guys find bare feet to be perfectly modest, although there was no follow-up questions about being either pregnant or in the kitchen.

High heels? Also a go! Only about 25% of guys find high heels (over 2″) to be a “stumbling block,” even though almost a third agree that they make a woman walk in a “suggestive way,” so your fuck-me pumps are safe to wear as long as you promise not to move, I guess.

Cosmetics are also modest, although there is some room for disagreement over “heavy eye make-up.” Even glitter lotion is modest, but you still might refrain from wearing it when rubbing yourself all over the other studly members of your youth group:

Plus, it makes a mess, and anytime a girl is wearing it I seem to get it on myself and my clothes. Kind of like a pet shedding hair, except it’s you shedding sparkles.

Carrying a purse or messenger bag in a safe, convenient manner? No go. The diagonal slash across the boobies is titilating for nearly half of the respondents, who I guess are not allowed out of the house much:

(Age 18) Yeah, I remember seeing a lady with a strap like that when I was a little younger. It was definitely a distraction. =P

Empire waist shirts are still on the OK list (especially for itty-bitty titty committee members) although you leave yourself open to assumptions of harlotry since they look like maternity wear.

Fashion-conscious girls all over the country wil rejoice-overalls are OK! As long as they are not worn in any of the ways that make them briefly stylish every few summers:

Actually, if the straps come down too far, they can be pretty provocative by drawing attention to the bust.
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from a front profile they are fine. From the side profile, however, they are very suggestive especially if the shirt worn underneath is quite tight, which accent the curves of the bust.
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Overalls still tend to show a girl’s figure, no matter how loose-fitting. However, they are more modest than regular jeans and having a modest shirt underneath is definitely helpful.

Got calves? Then flaunt them, baby! Over 80% of survey respondants can handle the heat radiating off of your shapely lower legs. It’s those thighs that are the problem. And of course, the knees, the gateway to the thighs:

Mid-calf for skirts and pants (e.g. capris) is my personal preference, but I’d really prefer not to see your knees when you’re standing.

And finally, an important line has been drawn concenring t-shirts: messages across the tits is a no, but floral designs are a go. Which leads to an important question: just how modest are Boundless magazine’s t-shirts?

Boundless is a hip young off-shoot of Focus on the Family which has articles by both Alex and Brett Harris and is sometimes linked to by Rebeloution. And yet, here they are selling what may or may not be immodest t-shirts with the implicit message that wearing Boundless gear will open the door to some hot Christian action!

In the story, nameless hottie girl is persuaded to give unattractive, intrusive dork some attention when fate, in the form of Boundless paraphanelia, draws them together at the laundromat. The dork’s ability to confuse her with big words leads her to believe that he feels the same way she does about Godliness, even though all he really cares about is the high quality of the shirt and how great her boobs look in it:

Ron notices her fidgeting with the lid and says, “Be careful there: serious accidents have occurred when the interlocks on those machines have failed or been overridden and users have been able to open the lid and access the revolving cage while it’s still running at high speed.”

…”How can such a cute guy be so wordy?” she thinks to herself as she goes to check on her dryer load. “Maybe he’s nervous.”

“Hey, that’s a Boundless shirt,” he exclaims. “I have one too.” Ron rifles through his pile of laundry and digs out a wrinkled — though still eye-catching — black Boundless T-shirt.

“Do you read Boundless?” the girl asks.

“Yeah I sure do,” Ron says as he looks more closely at the Boundless T-shirt. “Don’t you love the 100% fine jersey cotton on these shirts, combed for softness and comfort?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess so,” she responds. “So you been reading Boundless long?”

“Yeah, for a couple of years,” Ron says before adding, “Did you notice the baby rib cotton stretchable collar for increased comfort and durability?”

“So what do you think about all the stuff Boundless says about dating?” the girl asks.

“There’s nothing quite like it,” Ron replies, “Kind of like the durable double-stitched bottom hem, sleeve and neck binding on these tees.”

“Uh huh,” the girl responds before saying excitedly. “I gotta tell you Boundless has really changed my views on dating and marriage.”

Still examining the shirt, Ron says, “Speaking of views, these T-shirts are famous for their flattering, stylish fit on virtually any body type.” At the words “body type,” Ron slowly looks back up at the shirt’s owner who flashes a nervous smile.

“Would you, uh …” he stammers, “Like to join me in having a little something from the vending machine?”

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting several messages loud and clear here.