PunkAssBlog.com

Happy Valentine’s Day, Baby!

What, for me? Oh, you shouldn’t have! (*Unwraps elegantly, nay, professionally wrapped, lit and photographed gift*)

Hey, this isn’t flowers, chocolate, jewelry, a stuffed animal, or anything else even remotely approaching a Valentine’s Day gift. It’s just a list of perfectly ordinary things I wear everyday and a bunch of commentary from complete strangers about how it gets their rocks off.

I had it framed. Look, the frame has hearts on it. That’s because I love you. That’s what hearts mean. Don’t you like it?

Ummm….

No, no, really look at it! You see sexy chick with the veil is you, cause you’re hot, right? And the veil is your modesty, which just makes you hotter! To me! And just about everyone else, which is why you need the veil to keep them from being blindsided by lusty thoughts about your hotness! It’s a compliment!

Well, it just seems like maybe you could have put this picture of us at Six Flags in the frame as a sweet gift, instead of a list of all the different ways I’m obligated to modify my already boring behavior to keep ant out of the pants of strangers.

You still don’t get it! Look, a lot of people worked very hard on this and it’s very meaningful! Like, take the format of the results: notice how slick and professional the programming is. That represents your appearance-carefully thought out, probably a little expensive, and very attractive. Then, the lack of instructions on how to read the survey represents the hazy, undefined nature of modesty. You have to figure it out for yourself. So the first thing you think of is to ask someone else, right? And that’s what clicking around for a few minutes until you finally figure out how the results are presented represents? See??

Ummmm….

And then see how you have to click on every statement and wait for the results to load individually, and how there’s no summary? That represents how much of your time and attention would be sucked up by trying to achieve this nebulous, completely arbitrary goal of Christian modesty!

You know….

Wait! I’m not finished! Look at the girl with the veil again! Perfect ivory skin, blatently photoshopped blue eyes, excessively groomed eyebrows. That not only represents how being “modest” does not exempt you from more mainstream beauty standards, but it also draws parallels between the unattainable, time and money sucking goal of youth and beauty as put forth by magazines like Cosmo and the unattainable, time and money sucking goal of being modest enough to guard others from sin. Both put an unnecessary onus on women’s behavior for the benefit of men, and both serve to divert a girls attention from ungirly things.

Ungirly things?

Yeah, like education or why women make less and why it’s ok for this survey to exist in the first place and stuff. So you see now? I need you to take these rules to heart. I need you to behave like these other girls, otherwise how am I to know I’m a man?

And what do I get out of this?

The real prize: me!

I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

What a worldy bitch. Is there any among the daughters of Eve who are righteous enough to vie for the prestige of being permitted access to the rights and resources that come with my mighty cock (in holy matrimony, of course)?

Enjoy the results of the modesty survey - I’ll post on the actual substance later. I was really very suprised by how inaccessable the results are, and lack the patience right now to go through it.