Men’s Health wants to see you poor and alone
Published by Kyso Kisaen February 4th, 2007 in Punkass!, Brilliant Ideas, Moola, AdviceHave you been reading Men’s Health online content for weeks, if not months, treating their words though they were the bible and scrupulously following every inane lifestyle suggestion? I know. Me too. Yet, I still find myself occassionally not sitting alone and in the dark, abandoned by all who loathe my vapid mind and compulsive need to quote movies.
Perhaps a zany money-making scheme is an order. And if the schemes are listed in the form of a list, of course MSN will snap that sucker right up.
The Instant Entrepreneur
We’ve whipped up six businesses you can start with as little as $100 in seed money. Next stop: the Ferrari dealership.
I have a hundred dollars, and could totally use a Ferrari. Show me how to live the American Dream.
Internet T-Shirt Store
You’ll use zeitgeist-surfing slogans to sell shirts online.Startup costs: About $300. Let turnkey companies like cafepress.com handle ordering and printing, says Rodney Blackwell, who runs t-shirtcountdown.com.
I like this one, because all of my fellow graduate students know that they have a spot in my soon-to-be-lucrative garage t-shirt making business after we all fail exams in August. Of course, in my fantasy, at least I have a couple of silk-screen printing stations in my garage after the whole lame-ass idea goes bust. Rodney would deny me even that. And a quick glance at t-shirtcountdown suggests that the world has little need for more offensive t-shirt makers. How many “I’m the 14 year old girl you cyber with” t-shirts does one society need?
Alas, we already have a threadless, and if I can’t be that awesome I don’t want to do it at all. Next!
Digital Photo Scanning
You’ll rescue dusty-but-priceless photos from shoebox purgatory.Odds of making money: Very good. You’ll break even if you scan 800 photos at 25 cents each. “It’s a no-brainer,” says Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks and a successful entrepreneur. “Your friends and family are built-in customers.”
800 photos at a quarter a piece times 30 seconds to scan plus 1 to five minutes to touch up the photos using my stolen copy of photoshop that is nowhere on your start-up cost list and I’m still bored out of my mind with this crappy, low-return nickel and dime job. At that price, it would take over half a million pictures to get that Ferrari you’re dangling in front of my face, assuming that someone else is paying for my food, shelter, taxes and electricity. Ok, fuck that one as well.
Garage-Sale Surfing
You’ll convert hidden gems into cold, hard eBay cash.
You’ve got to be fucking kidding. Next!
Blog Or Online Forum
You’ll channel a passion — tennis, Star Wars — and build traffic until ads roll in.Startup costs: $160 for forum software like Bulletin; $60 a month for service.
Odds of making money: Excellent. You’ll know quickly if you’re not attracting eyeballs, so you can ditch fees before they add up. The key: Choose a fresh topic, says Chris Leckness, who runs seven sites. Then self-promote with e-mail blasts to other bloggers or postings in related forums.
Ok, this one is for real. However, I have only enough energy to help generate content for one site, and while it is a lucrative one punkassblog doesn’t provide enough money for me to both fill my Olympic-sized money pool AND buy a sports car. Since I refuse to cut into my swimming time and I don’t have enough time to blog for two sites, this is also out.
Although we haven’t been doing too much spamming. Perhaps if I dedicate more time to blogwhoring, I can get that Ferrari yet. Everyone pays attention to a blogwhore.
Board-Game Creation
You’ll make your own fun.
We are now at the point of the list where the return-on-investment becomes less certain than that of blogging. Only one money-making scheme could be more ridiculous:
Documentary Making
You’ll score funding support from art-friendly investors.Startup costs: Nothing, if you create a legal company and issue shares, advises Amy Sewell, writer/producer of Mad Hot Ballroom, which scored a $3 million advance from Paramount Classics. If it bombs, investors can write off the loss.
Be sure to helpfully point out that “writing off the loss” thing to potential investors, especially if the investors are your family who are wondering if they’re ever going to get their fucking photos back anytime this century. It shows planning and confidence. Also, be sure to seperate your friends and family into two groups: those you will ask for money and those whom you will ask for volunteer crew work. Trust me on that one.
The ebay thing is good for extra cash if you have a good eye, and a good sense of how to sell things online.
I’ve tried to sell the same pair of size 8 leather pants in wonderful condition three times on ebay, and all I did was waste three weeks. It became a better use of my time to send the damn things to goodwill. I find it difficult to believe that the average person could reliably profit off of ebay.
My mother actually does this to supplement her income. No Ferraris yet, but she does make reasonably good money - usually around 300-500 a month after expenses.
I’ll totally give you my secret to generating wealth on eBay. Just call and I’ll send you a free CD worth $49, plus a subscription to my search engine optimizer that you won’t realize I’ve sold you until I start billing your credit card.
Well, you have to sell stuff people want. Like once I sold one my little pony for $10 and once I sold a victoria’s secret dog thing that cost me 50 cents for 15$. Of course, I have a mailing list and promote stuff on selling livejournals, so maybe it’s a bit different..
This doesn’t sound like the Men’s Health I know. Dubious schemes for raising pitiful amounts of cash? What happened to “10 easy ways to look like a narcissistic yuppie with more money than sense”?
It used to be in the staff-room at the gym where I worked, and I couldn’t believe anyone was as interested in conspicuous consumption as the content suggested.
You’ve got to be fucking kidding. Next!
Hey, I recently bought a yellow-green couch* that could TOTALLY net me my new nest egg! For real!
*Yes, and it’s comfy as allgitout. Quit judging my lack of funds and visual acuity.
You bought a couch? I guess in your city people don’t just put them out by the side of the road when they are finished with them.
I’d be afraid to pick up a couch from the side of the road and put it in my living room. The only things I want growing in my apartment are the ones I paid money for.
Also, I once bought a DVD burner off eBay for $60 and sold it on Amazon for $200. I love it when people don’t shop around.
I’ve seen people do it, that’s just what I’m saying. And yes, I love it when you can get a cheap price on something and then mark it up. This is more time flexable than an actual job. *allows for naps*