Yesterday we continued our weeklong worship of the powerful insights into the psyche of emotionally crippled men offered by Men’s Health dimbulb David Zinczenko. Among other things, Zinczenko celebrated the charming tendency of guys like him to hide behind movie quotes as a way to express their “feelings” without entering the danger-zone of originality vulnerability.
Still an asshat.
But beware. The obvious interpretations of these quotations may not reflect the speaker’s actual intent. The followers of Zinczenkoism are shivering at the shallow end of the emotional pool, and only from that perspective can we ascertain the subtler meanings of their mimicry.
There’s no quote list less cool than the AFI’s Top 100 Movie Quotes of All-Time, and any true feelings plaguerist will likely borrow from it liberally. Today we cover the remaining 49 quotes in…
The Zinczenko Translation Handbook, Part II
Obvious and subtle interpretations of the lines abused by feeling-impaired male quote addicts
#49: It’s alive! It’s alive! -FRANKENSTEIN, 1931
Obvious: I can’t believe I made this awesome thing!
Subtle: The Viagra worked! The motherf***ing Viagra worked!
#48: Well, nobody’s perfect. -SOME LIKE IT HOT, 1959
Obvious: Don’t you love my charming quirks?
Subtle: Your quirks piss me off. But I’m dealing.
#47: Shane. Shane. Come back! -SHANE, 1953
Obvious: Hey, come back.
Subtle: [The same, but yelled the way you would yell at an ornery pet]
[Ed. note -- How on Earth is this a "top quote of all time?" Jesus eff me in the a, I hate this list.]
#46: Oh, Jerry, don’t let’s ask for the moon. We have the stars. -NOW, VOYAGER, 1942
Obvious: I’m so happy with what we already have.
Subtle: You should be damn grateful I let you out of the house at all.
#45: Stella! Hey, Stella! -A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE, 1951
Obvious: Come on out, I really miss you.
Subtle: Come on out, you crazy bitch.
#44: I see dead people. -THE SIXTH SENSE, 1999
Obvious: I’m whispering annoyingly because I think it’s funny.
Subtle: I’m fantasizing about necrophilia because it’s hot.
#43: We’ll always have Paris. -CASABLANCA, 1942
Obvious: I’ll always remember our best times together forever.
Subtle: I’ll always fantasize about a threesome with Paris Hilton because she’s hot.
#42: Plastics. -THE GRADUATE, 1939
Obvious: [If someone simply leans over to you and says "Plastics," run.]
Subtle: [No, really. Run.]
#41: We rob banks. -BONNIE AND CLYDE, 1967
Obvious: We make a helluva team.
Subtle: This insurance fraud scheme can’t miss! Now shoot me in the buttcheek.
#40: Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get. -FORREST GUMP, 1994
Obvious: The world is full of surprises.
Subtle: Think of this paternity suit as a fun surprise.
#39: If you build it, he will come. -FIELD OF DREAMS, 1989
Obvious: Let’s create something grand.
Subtle: I think a customized home porno theater will be great for our relationship, honey.
#38: Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. -THE PRIDE OF THE YANKEES, 1942
Obvious: I’m lucky.
Subtle: God, I hope this pickup line gets me laid.
#37: I’ll be back. -THE TERMINATOR, 1984
Obvious: I’m coming back.
Subtle: I’m on the juice.
#36: Badges? We ain’t got no badges! We don’t need no badges! I don’t have to show you any stinking badges! -THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE, 1948
Obvious: I’m gonna get away with this, whether it’s “official” or not.
Subtle: I promise we’re police officers, ma’am. Please prepare for the strip search.
#35: You’re gonna need a bigger boat. -JAWS, 1975
Obvious: This is a bigger problem than we realized.
Subtle: Put on a few extra pounds, haven’t you?
#34: You know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow. -TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT, 1944
Obvious: Whistling is easy, Steve!
Subtle: God, telling you I want you is difficult, Steve. Err, pass the chips, dude.
#33: I’ll have what she’s having. -WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, 1989
Obvious: If it makes you _that_ happy, I gotta try it.
Subtle: How dare you try and enjoy something without me.
#32: Round up the usual suspects. -CASABLANCA, 1942
Obvious: Let’s get everyone together.
Subtle: One of your girlfriends is the one filling your head with this feminazi blabbity-blah. Probably Diane or Cheryl. They look the most dyke-y.
#31: After all, tomorrow is another day! -GONE WITH THE WIND, 1939
Obvious: The next day is a fresh start and we should treat it that way.
Subtle: Sure there are a lot of chores to do. I bet you can knock out a whole mess of them tomorrow.
#30: I want to be alone. -GRAND HOTEL, 1932
Obvious: I need some space.
Subtle: The Astroglide is calling my hand.
#29: You can’t handle the truth! -A FEW GOOD MEN, 1992
Obvious: You probably don’t want to know.
Subtle: You really don’t want to know. But you should probably start checking for genital warts.
#28: Play it, Sam. Play ‘As Time Goes By.’ -CASABLANCA, 1942
Obvious: Play our favorite song.
Subtle: [Irrelevant. There's no way he doesn't fuck it up and say "Play it again, Sam."]
#27: I’m walking here! I’m walking here! -MIDNIGHT COWBOY, 1969
Obvious: It’d be nice if you would respect my space.
Subtle: The ladies sure do love my strut.
#26: Why don’t you come up sometime and see me? -SHE DONE HIM WRONG, 1933
Obvious: We should fool around sometime.
Subtle: I promise my bedroom doesn’t have a hidden video camera.
#25: Show me the money! -JERRY MAGUIRE, 1996
Obvious: I’d like to get paid!
Subtle: You gals still come with dowries, right?
#24: I am big! It’s the pictures that got small. -SUNSET BLVD., 1950
Obvious: I’m a star.
Subtle: It’s just the lighting in here that makes it look small. Really.
#23: There’s no place like home. -THE WIZARD OF OZ, 1939
Obvious: I love being home.
Subtle: That’s what should make being a homemaker so fun for you, dear — being at home. All the time.
#22: Bond. James Bond. -DR. NO, 1962
Obvious: Aren’t I smooth?
Subtle: I like Octopussy.
#21: A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. -THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, 1991
Obvious: I may be more than what I seem.
Subtle: I love making that thp-thp-thp-thp-thp-thp noise!
#20: Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. -CASABLANCA, 1942
Obvious: I think this relationship’s going places.
Subtle: But again, not in a gay way.
#19: I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore! -NETWORK, 1976
Obvious: I’m standing up for myself!
Subtle: Bitch, how dare you stand up for yourself!
#18: Made it, Ma! Top of the world! -WHITE HEAT, 1949
Obvious: I’m a success!
Subtle: I have mommy issues.
#17: Rosebud. -CITIZEN KANE, 1941
Obvious: Oh, the nostalgia.
Subtle: I have childhood issues.
#16: They call me Mister Tibbs! -IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT, 1967
Obvious: I think I’m being clever!
Subtle: Wait, is Mister Tibbs or The Wolf the guy from Pulp Fiction?
#15: E.T. phone home. -E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL, 1982
Obvious: I should really call my folks.
Subtle: I need my mom to come pick us up.
#14: The stuff that dreams are made of. -THE MALTESE FALCON, 1942
Obvious: These deep thoughts are the essense of hope.
Subtle: That’s why I want to shoot it all over your face.
#13: Love means never having to say you’re sorry. -LOVE STORY, 1970
Obvious: Whatever you’ve done, I don’t care.
Subtle: I only kissed her a little. Besides, I love you.
#12: I love the smell of napalm in the morning. -APOCALYPSE NOW, 1979
Obvious: I love a tough job like this.
Subtle: Dick Cheney gets me hard. Is that weird?
#11: What we’ve got here is failure to communicate. -COOL HAND LUKE, 1967
Obvious: We’re not communicating right now.
Subtle: you’re not hearing me: DO THE LAUNDRY.
#10: You talking to me? -TAXI DRIVER, 1976
Obvious: Are you talking to me?
Subtle: Not now. Game’s on.
#9: Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night. -ALL ABOUT EVE, 1950
Obvious: This is gonna be a wild ride.
Subtle: Prepare for the most explosive 6 minutes of your life!
#8: May the Force be with you. -STAR WARS, 1977
Obvious: Good luck.
Subtle: I know your jaw hurts, but keep going. I believe in you.
#7: All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up. -SUNSET BLVD., 1950
Obvious: I’m ready for prime-time.
Subtle: I mean your close-up. Did I mention the facial part yet?
#6: Go ahead, make my day. -SUDDEN IMPACT, 1983
Obvious: I dare you to try.
Subtle: Make the bed, breakfast, my lunch, the kids’ lunches, the trips to school and the grocery store, a 3 course dinner, dessert, another trip to school, the kids behave, my clothes look nice, the house seem clean, and my orgasm snappy. That about covers the day.
#5: Here’s looking at you, kid. -CASABLANCA, 1942
Obvious: You’re the best.
Subtle: Doing it under my ceiling mirror is hot.
#4: Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore. -THE WIZARD OF OZ, 1939
Obvious: This is unknown territory.
Subtle: My bad. I thought that _was_ the vagina, I swear.
#3: You don’t understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could’ve been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am. -ON THE WATERFRONT, 1954
Obvious: I screwed up and threw it all away.
Subtle: I make the perfect reclamation project.
#2: I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse. -THE GODFATHER, 1972
Obvious: I’m going to make it really clear how serious I am about this.
Subtle: You’ve got a boyfriend, eh? We’ll see about that.
#1: Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. -GONE WITH THE WIND, 1939
That pretty much says it all. Kinda fitting that the #1 quote is the one quote that these cobags could use without a double meaning, huh?
Well, there you have it. I hope you feel prepared to go out in the world and fend off the vain hordes of Zinczenoites as they try to wriggle their way into your good graces. Just remember: If he uses a quote from this list non-ironically, you’re probably wasting your time, regardless of what he means by it.
Hasta la vista, baby.
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I’ve been on pins and needles since around 75, just waiting for the On The Waterfront quotation.
Since they already mentioned the classic Marlon Brando quote, how about this?:
Kurtz: I expected someone like you. What did you expect? Are you an assassin?
Willard: I’m a soldier.
Kurtz: You’re neither. You’re an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.
Which naturally leads to this:
Willard: Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service. It was a real choice mission, and when it was over, I never wanted another.
Of course, by adding more movie quotes to this thread I’m just verifying what a loser I am…
I can’t resist adding a lame quote from a bad movie (that I love), Starship Troopers:
Johnny Rico: Come on you apes, you wanna live forever?
Okay, just one more…
Varla: I never try anything. I just do it. Wanna try me?
– Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
Any quote that shows up in a White Zombie song has got to be good…
This was kind of amazing.
Nice use of zeugma in #6.
Thanks for the vocab lesson…
Ha, I was helping a friend remember what habeus corpus means tonight and I used the “show me the money” quote to help her remember the idea.
MikeEss:
So all this time Luke thought Yoda was some kind of old wizened master, but he was really just quoting drive-in movies?
For shame, Yoda, for shame.
Also, what’s wrong with the Shane quote? I thought the criteria was “most memorable” and that one has fairly good recognition in the broader public.
Better then #46 I reckon, which I’ve never heard before in my life.
And I watch MST3K religiously.
Yoda knew that Russ Meyer and Tura Santana had a lot of wisdom.
The person who truly lives in The Force knows exactly who to steal from…
Fer cryin’ out loud- all those lines from Casablanca and they left out, “I’m shocked, shocked, to find that gambling is going on here!” or “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in the world, she walks into mine.” or, in all it’s patriarchal splendor, “How extravagant you are, throwing away women like that. Someday they may be scarce.”