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Yesterday we discovered the enlightened teachings of David Zinczenko, the editor-in-chief of Men’s Health who defends moronic male behaviors via his lameass blog.

You can tell I’m sensitive because of the lighting.

In one of his least coherent arguments (and that’s saying something), Zinczenko claims it’s normal for a guy to talk in movie quotes as a way to open up…

…without having to actually break his steely exterior. Hoo-ah!.

[Urp.]

But what do Zinczenko and his creepy ilk really mean when they parrot a line from a movie? While there are obvious meanings for most quoted lines, the cliche-dependent and their “steely exteriors” often express subtler messages with their utterances. It would be wise for those of us who can formulate sentences without first having to hear them in surround sound to be sure we understand the nuances of their language.

Below are the bottom 50 quotes from the AFI Top 100 Movie Quotes of All-Time. Anyone compelled to hide their feelings behind movie quotes likely will plaguerize the bejeezus out of this tired list, so it seems like a fine place to begin…

The Zinczenko Translation Handbook

Obvious and subtle interpretations of the lines abused by feeling-impaired male quote addicts

#100: I’m king of the world! -TITANIC, 1997

Obvious: At this moment, my life feels like a fairy tale!
Subtle: I’m a card-carrying member of the patriarchy.

#99: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too! -WIZARD OF OZ, THE, 1939

Obvious: It’s fun to tease you about getting revenge, but I’m not really serious about it.
Subtle: I’m acting like I’m kidding, but, really, I’m going to fucking get you if you don’t fall in line. Also, you’re hot. And I hate pets.

#98: Nobody puts Baby in a corner. -DIRTY DANCING, 1987

Obvious: No one keeps my woman down.
Subtle: It’s up to the menfolk to save poor little women from their oppressors, and this Nice Guy aims to do it!

#97: My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you. -YANKEE DOODLE DANDY, 1942

Obvious: Thank you.
Subtle: I love the sound of my own voice.

#96: Snap out of it! -MOONSTRUCK, 1987

Obvious: Pay attention.
Subtle: [A phrase used to check if the roofie's working]

#95: Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary. -DEAD POETS SOCIETY, 1989

Obvious: I’m trying to make something of myself.
Subtle: Only boys can be extraordinary.

#94: I feel the need - the need for speed! -TOP GUN, 1986

Obvious: I like to go fast.
Subtle: I like drugs.

#93: Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death! -AUNTIE MAME, 1958

Obvious: Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.
Subtle: I’m king of the world!

#92: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac…It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! -CADDYSHACK, 1980

Obvious: I beat the odds!
Subtle: I can’t believe I’m fucking you right now!

#91: Who’s on first. -THE NAUGHTY NINETIES, 1945

Obvious: You said something silly and generic.
Subtle: Let’s drown out the noise of our lives by watching whatever sitcoms are on. Which annoying former stand-up kicks off the programming tonight?

#90: A martini. Shaken, not stirred. -GOLDFINGER, 1964

Obvious: I’m one cool cat.
Subtle: Get my drink, bitch.

#89: Tell ‘em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper. -KNUTE ROCKNE ALL AMERICAN, 1940

Obvious: Do this for me.
Subtle: I have wet dreams about Ronald Reagan.

#88: Listen to me, mister. You’re my knight in shining armor. Don’t you forget it. You’re going to get back on that horse, and I’m going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we’re gonna go, go, go! -ON GOLDEN POND, 1981

Obvious: Hey dude, I admire you and would follow you anywhere.
Subtle: But not in a gay way.

#87: Sawyer, you’re going out a youngster, but you’ve got to come back a star! -42ND STREET, 1933

Obvious: You’ve gotta go out there and achieve your dreams!
Subtle: It would be hot if you worked in porn.

#86: Attica! Attica! -DOG DAY AFTERNOON, 1975

Obvious: Fight the power!
Subtle: If you fight the power, I will send you to Attica.

#85: My precious. -THE LORD OF THE RINGS: TWO TOWERS, 2002

Obvious: I adore you.
Subtle: You are my possession. Now sparkle and make me look good.

#84: Oh, no, it wasn’t the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast. -KING KONG, 1933

Obvious: Your beauty humbles me.
Subtle: How dare you and your hotness go tramping around and mess with my buddy’s head.

#83: Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make. -DRACULA, 1931

Obvious: This band is cool.
Subtle: Vampires turn me on. Can you put on the Elvira outfit again tonight?

#82: Toga! Toga! -NATIONAL LAMPOON’S ANIMAL HOUSE, 1978

Obvious: Party! Party!
Subtle: Date rape! Date rape!

#81: Hello, gorgeous. -FUNNY GIRL, 1968

Obvious: Hey, girl.
Subtle: You look like a Real Doll, only real, and I’ve decided to have sex with you tonight.

#80: Yo, Adrian! -ROCKY, 1976

Obvious: Hey, girl.
Subtle: Come here! Come on! [pat legs] Good girl!

#79: Striker: Surely you can’t be serious. Rumack: I am serious…and don’t call me Shirley. -AIRPLANE!, 1980

Obvious: No kidding, honest.
Subtle: How dare you call me a woman.

#78: Open the pod bay doors, HAL. -2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, 1968

Obvious: Let me in, man.
Subtle: Open her legs for me, man. It’s my turn.

#77: Soylent Green is people! -SOYLENT GREEN, 1973

Obvious: You are being so overdramatic right now!
Subtle: “Eating out” another person’s private parts grosses me out.

#76: Hasta la vista, baby. -TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY, 1991

Obvious: Bye.
Subtle: No effing way I’m calling you manana, chica.

#75: I have always depended on the kindness of strangers. -A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE, 1951

Obvious: Thanks for the help!
Subtle: I like anonymous hookups. You?

#74: Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinatown. -CHINATOWN, 1974

Obvious: Nothing you can do about it now, man.
Subtle: I hate Asians.

#73: Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico? -LITTLE CAESAR, 1930

Obvious: Am I really gonna lose?
Subtle: I swear to god, this has never happened to me before.

#72: No wire hangers, ever! -MOMMIE DEAREST, 1981

Obvious: I’m kidding around, but please humor this one unusual quirk of mine.
Subtle: No abortion. Because I said so.

#71: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain’t heard nothin’ yet! -THE JAZZ SINGER, 1927

Obvious: I’m just getting started!
Subtle: REALLY, I swear to god, this has never happened to me before.

#70: Is it safe? -MARATHON MAN, 1976

Obvious: Are you sure?
Subtle: You got STDs up in there?

#69: They’re here! -POLTERGEIST, 1982

Obvious: Our guests have arrived.
Subtle: [A fine catch phrase when teabagging someone.]

#68: Here’s Johnny! -THE SHINING, 1980

Obvious: Here I am!
Subtle: Check out my weiner!

#67: Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine. -CASABLANCA, 1942

Obvious: I can’t believe my ex and I ran into each other like this.
Subtle: Destiny has brought us together, and she’s gonna get back together with me whether she likes it or not.

#66: Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape. -PLANET OF THE APES, 1968

Obvious: Lay off me, man.
Subtle: Oh god, I didn’t think things like this _actually_ happened in prison.

#65: Elementary, my dear Watson. -THE ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES, 1939

Obvious: Duh.
Subtle: DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

#64: Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room! -DR. STRANGELOVE, 1964

Obvious: This is absurd!
Subtle: You’ll get your turn when I’m done with her.

#63: Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me. Aren’t you? -THE GRADUATE, 1967

Obvious: Heyyyy, you’re coming onto me, huh?
Subtle: Too old. Next!

#62: What a dump. -BEYOND THE FOREST, 1949

Obvious: Please clean your apartment.
Subtle: Please clean my apartment.

#61: Say “hello” to my little friend! -SCARFACE, 1983

Obvious: This is my vertically challenged friend Steve.
Subtle: Here’s Johnny!

#60: Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into! -SONS OF THE DESERT, 1933

Obvious: Way to go, dumbass.
Subtle: Why didn’t you pay my bills like I told you to?

#59: As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again. -GONE WITH THE WIND, 1939

Obvious: I’m determined to take care of myself!
Subtle: Now that we’re married, you and this oven are gonna become best buds.

#58: Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. -THE GODFATHER II, 1974

Obvious: He’s not my bud, he only thinks he is.
Subtle: That’s why I married her — to keep an eye on her.

#57: Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. -WALL STREET, 1987

Obvious: Sometimes it’s okay to pursue a little extra bank in this world.
Subtle: Hey baby, it’s just in our nature to sleep around.

#56: A boy’s best friend is his mother. -PSYCHO, 1960

Obvious: My mom is great.
Subtle: In bed. Are you cool with that?

#55: La-dee-da, la-dee-da. -ANNIE HALL, 1977

Obvious: I’m feeling carefree.
Subtle: I’m tuning out your ceaseless prattling.

#54: There’s no crying in baseball! -A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN, 1992

Obvious: You can’t get worked up about this.
Subtle: Emotions are for sissies.

#53: One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know. -ANIMAL CRACKERS, 1930

Obvious: I’m being totally corny.
Subtle: So what, I had a hard-on! I thought you were into it, I swear! I had no idea you were asleep.

#52: You had me at “hello.” -JERRY MAGUIRE, 1996

Obvious: You earned my love a long time ago.
Subtle: Of course you want to sleep with me! Why else were you being nice to me?

#51: You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk? -DIRTY HARRY, 1971

Obvious: Could be difficult. Are you sure about this?
Subtle: Who needs a condom? Risks are hot.

#50: Houston, we have a problem. -APOLLO 13, 1995

Obvious: We have a problem.
Subtle: She was alive before I blacked out, officer, really.

Tune in tomorrow for the rest as we break down the top 50 coded phrases from The Zinczenko Translation Handbook.

In the meantime, feel free to add your own interpreted quotes or modify the interpretations of some of these. Together, we can finally demystify what comes out of the mouths of men who pride themselves on the strength demonstrated by their emotional immaturity.