Can I take my tube tops and body glitter to hell with me?
Published by Kyso Kisaen January 27th, 2007 in Godbaggery, WankersSo I was hanging out at the Rebelution, waiting for the results of the Modesty Survey and hitting “refresh” every minute or so when something on the sidebar caught my eye. No, it wasn’t the hottie hot hotness of those beguiling young Harris boys*, but something more urgent - an animated gif that was concerned about the state of my soul!
Was I? I didn’t know, but I had to find out! So I took the quiz. It judges you against the fool-proof ‘10 Commandments Metric’ but right from the begining I suspected the deck was stacked against me:
I blame my parents for my “guilty” response to this question - they must have let me skip Sunday school the day we learned that our sanctimonious love for Christ should be so strong as to make us disdainful of the company he left us with.
By question eight I could tell I was in deep trouble, having not answered ‘innocent’ a single time.
In for a penny, in for a pound: that 25-cent novelty shark’s tooth that I stole from a bin at a Sea World souvenier shop when I was 8 started me on a path of crime that would eventually include using my roommate’s toothpaste without asking and abusing my photocopier privilages at work. And I’d do it again. Non serviam!
The test results came back and, suprise suprise, I’m going to burn in hell:
God, in the form of a flash quiz, has judged me and found me wanting. And although God is Good and Merciful, he’s also obliged to sentence me according to the mandatory minimum guidelines of his Law. He really wishes there was something He could do, but His hands are kind of tied.
God, of all people, can’t afford to look soft on crime lest he be replaced next election. And if that means sending everyone in the county to jail, then that’s the way it’s got to be.
All sins are equal, whether you broke the Sabbath or killed a bunch of people, and all are punishable for eternity. The Harrises are saved, so no big deal for them. It really, really, really pains them to describe what you’re sinning ass is in for in excruciating detail, but such is the burden of the righteous.
If Hell is a place of knowing nothing or a reference to the grave into which we go at death, Jesus’ statements about Hell make no sense. He said that if your hand, foot, or eye causes you to sin, it would be better to remove it than to “go into Hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched: where their worm dies not, and the fire is not quenched”
The good news is that there is almost no way to avoid hell, making your modesty concerns kind of moot. The bad news is you’ll be frying for all eternity. Too bad, so sad. Better luck picking a savior next time, suckas!
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*Us snarky, sex-obsessed feminist bloggers aren’t the only ones who’ve noticed the sexxy that radiates off of our fine, upstanding Christian men. The ever-controversial Modesty Survey has revealed that women think lustful thoughts as well, and the chisled jaws and rougishly tousled hair of our young Christian heros are not helping any of thier Sisters get to heaven:
I think men should have a survey like this, too…You have chests, hair, facial hair (or stubble), shoulders and butts, and so many wear provocative scents, even in deodorant–and it all attracts women. So please, cover it up, modestly, loosely! I’m also surprised at Alex and Brett for having such provocative pictures of themselves on the site (see above).
Pish-posh, you say, wimmins don’t care about looks, it’s the guys who are “visually stimulated,” where girls require so much more. It’s just a picture of two cute guys, it’s not like they have a whole site devoted to how these boys are perfect husband material, men among boys, that all boys should strive to emulate.
Is it a sin for a girl to dream about Alex Harris’ hand up her shirt if she holds a fantasy wedding for them in her mind first? I’m no theologian, but I say no.
We harbor no cynics on this blog, so I swear to God I will totally ban the first person who draws parallels between our handsome, well-spoken, well-supported, fantasy-worthy young heros and the role of other young men put forward by other media machines that allow girls to sublimate thier sexual feelings and project them somewhere more appropriate for the masters of said machines. There is no relationship between any of the Harris boys and say, N-Sync. None whatsoever, so just stop thinking about it.
I swear to the guacamole-eating idol I’ve created in my mind to replace God that survey is from Kirk Cameron’s website. Because once you bear witness to that shit, you don’t forget it.
That explains the conscience slide. I was wondering about that.
so. i challenge you. wake up one morning, dress as if youre expecting to stay home all day, then go to the mall and shock the world! rebel, please!
This from one of the posters on that site, a girl who says that girls should dress anyway that feels comfortable for them and leave the boys should take care of their own failings of lust themselves.
I never thought I’d agree with anyone on a bible thumper site on anything, but hell if more women went to the mall with bedhead and their jammies on, wouldn’t this be a better world?
To the mall with bedhead, jammies and hammers to break up the halls of consumerism, now that’d be a way to spend a saturday afternoon.
Would that put me in hell?
God, of all people, can’t afford to look soft on crime lest he be replaced next election.
Oh man, Kyso. You rock soo much. I laughed my ass off here.
the guacamole-eating idol I’ve created in my mind
Teh Chupacabra eats guacamole as well, though with a tincture of teh goat blood, of course.
He eats goat fajitas seasoned with the blood of angels.
I don’t know why I do this to myself, but I actually clicked over to the stupid-but-hott boys’ site.
It is actually slightly amusing that here we have 1,500 men humbly admitting their weakness and voicing their need for women’s help—and all at the women’s request, we might add—and we’re still accused of being male chauvinists.
I don’t even know what to say to that. It’s like explaining to a two-year-old why sharing your toys is a good thing.
Hmmm…it might not be so bad if these people take over and start passing public decency laws. I can just see it…I’ll be walking around, sparrow’s nest in my Rasputinesque beard, reaking of B.O. and cigarette smoke, always wearing one of three bulky hooded sweatshirts–it’ll be just like I’m 26 again!!!
Great post. And nice “non servium” reference. Do you study theology or something?
This is just stupid. Forgiveness for one’s sins has been in every single church service I’ve ever attended. How have people who run Christian websites not heard of it?
I don’t even know what to say to that. It’s like explaining to a two-year-old why sharing your toys is a good thing.
Every page on that site has at least one statement that makes your mind go blank. For instance, take this excerpt from the don’t-you-dare-laugh “Hard Things Come in Small Packages“, which was not written by the Harris boys but is posted on the site under high praise:
Emphasis mine, on the place that made me go, WTF? I’m not sure I want any part of a religion filled with people who think that traveling large distances to take other people’s stuff and burning their villages is a good thing.
Do you study theology or something?
I’ve read The Exorcists and Paradise Lost. Does that count?
How have people who run Christian websites not heard of it?
If Junk’s right about the Kirk Cameron orgin of the quiz, then I think we have our answer right there. Kirk and pals are not exactly renowned for thier well-thought-out, air tight arguments.
so. i challenge you. wake up one morning, dress as if youre expecting to stay home all day, then go to the mall and shock the world! rebel, please!
I wouldn’t call boxer shorts and a tank top *more* modest than jeans and a sweater.
No kidding. And should I pick a day when I expect my roommate to be home or not, because there is a notable difference in how modest I am in those two situations.
“Ma’am, if your refuse to put on some pants, we’re going to have to ask you to leave the mall.”
I took the quiz and answered “innocent” to every question, and then the quiz told me that there was no way that I hadn’t ever sinned and that I am going to hell. Hilarious.
I too took and failed the test, and it seems that I am to go to Hell.
I looked up this mysterious place on Yahoo maps and discovered that it is in Michigan jsut a few miles NW of Ann Arbor, and only four hours from here (Indianapolis).
If I understand correctly, it’s warm there, so I may head on up there and escape from the sub-freezing temps here.
Thanks to all of the religious wackos for pointing me toward my next vacation spot.
I took the quiz and answered “innocent” to every question, and then the quiz told me that there was no way that I hadn’t ever sinned and that I am going to hell.
I always wondered what would happen if I did that, but I was afraid they might send me a virus or something.
I intend to whack St. Peter on the head with a broken beer bottle and sneak in while no one is looking. Screw quizzes, it’s always the final test that counts.
Wait, really? Haha! So it’s either “Get thee to hell, sinner” or “get thee to hell, person-who-only-thinks-they’re-not-a-sinner.”
Heh. Well, those two boys should have fun up in heaven all by their lonesome, doing their hard things in small packages.
Well, they won’t be the only ones, since there are others willing to lick Jesus’s ass for some tasty salvation.
I took the quiz… And I too am going to hell. What do you know? Infidel!
That said, it does seem a bit uncharitable to paint the quiz as only saying “Get thee to hell, sinner” when it does try and get you saved to heaven at the end. It’s the whole “you’re sick, now take this medicine” approach. Annoying? Heck, yeah. But it’s not exactly saying “you’re damned, loser!” as some here seem to be making it.
Wait, didn’t you just finish telling me I was going to hell for, among other things coveting my neigbor’s stuff? And now you’re telling me that killing him, raping his wife (and possibly him as well–those wacky vikings!) and taking all his stuff both seems to be and is a “noble occupation”?
O…kay.
Sophist, the question is how macho your attack upon your neighbor is. If your attack is sufficiently violent, it must be okay.
Also, the passage of a lot of time makes everything okay. Kill your Native American neighbor now - maybe (they are brown after all). Kill them 200-years ago - Cool!
(There seem to be a huge number of wingnuts/fundnuts who are trying desperately to compensate for their “shortcomings”. Many of them remind me of the character Tom Ewell played in “The Seven Year Itch”…)
You know something really strange that I haven’t seen mentioned here? The word for hell used in the original New Testament books written in Greek was “Hades,” and in Greek mythology, Hades contained the Elysian Fields section, which is pretty much like the Christian heaven, and Hades also contained Tartarus, which in addition to being good fish sauce was the location Christians associate with hell (torture, fire, Death by Oprah, etc.) Sorry this is getting really long….but, as I said, I haven’t seen anybody mention this: If you spell Hades backward, it says: Sedah.
SEDAH! Hades backward is Sedah!
Now, Sedah doesn’t really mean anything that I know of, but as I said, I just hadn’t seen it mentioned.
When I need to say something, I wanna say it clear. Also this is my idea and if you don’t enjoy what you hear, then my advice is to go on to another website. If you don’t appreciate my idea it is bad for you, not for me. I just love what I thinkit is real. Part of myself is really scared and preoccupaid about cash spent on things not necessaries but the other side couldn’t give a shit. Unluckily, my husband is not the same. Please, send positive vibrations, do a magic ritual what ever to bring the positive vibrations this way and keep life this way. I have the echo of his words blattering about [url=http://www.
soundlabs.info/sitemap4.html]ringtones music[/url] ringing in my head, and how says he’s going to hate another insignificant evening. Unfortunately, it was also not false. Barbara and I were going through a not so long duration period of being an happy couple when he asked an innocent enough question. Fair enough.
Thanks
I echo the BS comment above. Did ANY readers wait for the end of the survey?
http://www.therebelution.com/good/022.shtml
“God demonstrated His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)
“Christ redeemed us from the curse of the Law, being made a curse for us.” (Galatians 3:13)
Do you see God’s great love for you? Do you see your need for His forgiveness? Do what He commands and “Repent…that your sins may be wiped out and times of refreshing may come from the Lord.” (Acts 3:19)
Doesn’t look like anyone’s going to hell without a second chance. Why don’t you get the facts straight before making a *dumb*ass of yourself?
Nick, I’m just not fond of the idea that I have to convert to your religion to earn God’s forgiveness. Whoever made that smug, judgemental, self-righteous survey can not possibly have the inside skinny on who God will forgive and who he will not. The rapist cmparison is particularly odious.