Let’s make loss and death sexy again!
Published by punkass marc January 13th, 2007 in A Punkass Original Production, Bush is a cock, Filtered PropagandaAdvertising is as American as apple pie made from the blood of infidels. We are the land of product placement. Our biggest sporting event of the year is equally known for its commercials. And, by God, we’ve got Man Laws.
So it makes sense that the president, facing staunch opposition in and out of his own party, has decided all his delusional double-time death march into Iraq needs is a little salesman spit-shine to get the country on board:
US President George Bush has invited the Republican congressional leadership to his Camp David retreat to shore up political support before a potentially epic constitutional clash over his Iraq troop increase.
With the clamour of protest showing no sign of dying down and senior members of the Bush Administration grilled for a second day in the Senate, the White House embarked on a major effort to try to win back support.
The actual title of the article is even funnier: “Bush faithful to brainstorm ways to sell troop increase.”
As I hear it told in the history textbooks, when the leaders of this country need help, Americans roll up their sleeves like Ronald the Riveter and get to work. Allow me, then, to assist the president and his droogs by offering a few brainstorms of my own on how we might sell the troop increase to our people.
First, we’ve got to think of the children. Not just the ones we’re sending to die in the field, not just the ones they’ll also be killing in said field, but the stay-at-home Saturday morning cartoon demographic. If they’re hip to something, it’s only a matter of time until it becomes a breakfast cereal of best-selling video game. That kind of ubiquitousness is a key element of selling an idea to the public.
To get kids playing and eating Troop Increase, we’ll need an adorable mascot with whom they can identify. I dunno about you, but I find there’s nothing more adorable than cuteoverload.com. Using one of their background images as inspiration, I created Camo, the Magical Troop Increase Flying Hamster:
Isn’t he angelic? Don’t you just want to cuddle up with Camo and play the Margot Kidder to his Christopher Reeve as he flits from oppressed nation to oppressed nation, sprinkling new troop dust on all the insurgent boys and girls?
His catch phrase could be anything from “More troops equals more fun!” to “(*giggle*) I bring 16% more love to every country in need!” Mmm. I can practically taste the Frosted Camo-Flakes now.
Once the kiddies are hooked, we’ll need to turn our attention to their mothers, and women in general.
This one’s easy. Ladies like dudes who are hot, so let’s drive home an obvious selling point by publishing realistic fiction about the benefits we’ll incur in this arena by increasing our troops:
More guys in the Army means more guys working out and taking pride in their bodies. Why not get behind our president and increase our national sexiness?
As for selling the idea to men themselves, maybe we should piggy-back off the aforementioned campaign that’s taking the nation by storm:
I hope these ideas will be helpful in showing the positive side of the troop increase. Sure, in one sense, the increase will cause more death at home and abroad while digging an even deeper hole for ourselves in this hopeless pit of despair and agony, but in another sense, it brings hope to men, women, and children everywhere.
It’s all in how you spin it.
Love the hamster picture. I’m dying.
It’s about time our generation learned a little respect for Burt.
The Bush administration has shown zero creativity so far, so I’m assuming they’ll all go to Camp David, play some golf, party hardy, and at the end of the weekend wonder at the absence of new ideas. And then they’ll fall back on the same old sales routine they’ve used before (which seems to work very well, repeatedly…) which is: put a fine wine label on the bucket of piss, then watch a generation raised on soundbites lap it up.
Want to violate 6 amendments of the U.S. Constitution? That would mean you’re a traitor. Let’s call it the Patriot Act.
Want to quit funding the schools where most of the kids will never graduate anyhow? Let’s call it No Child Left Behind.
My guess is they’ll come back from Camp David with a new act: The Soldier Reduction Act of 2007. It’ll take the NY Times half a year to figure out troop levels actually increased. But Bush and Co. be flying bombing sorties over Tehran by then.
Hah! Great points, Joe. I love it: The Soldier Reduction Act of 2007. It’ll go well with the Fair and Just Taxation of the Wealthy campaign they’ve been conducting the last 6 years.
But Bush and Co. be flying bombing sorties over Tehran by then.
Oh, I only wish. After all, Iran just took delivery of the last of $700 million’s worth of anti-aircraft weapons…I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America –
I screwed up! Sorta, anyway. Everything from ‘Oh,’ to ‘weapons…’ is supposed to be struck out. It looked right in the preview, anyway. Sorry ’bout that. And how do you do a strikethrough that’ll stick, in this thing?
Huh. I always just do the strike tag — let’s test:
STRIKE MEYou gotta use the whole word “strike”, not just an “s”, which is all you need some other places– including the previews of your comments on this blog, misleadingly enough.