Jesus and the liberals, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g
Published by punkass marc January 8th, 2007 in Godbaggery, Politics, WingnutsConservatives hate it when liberals take their hard-earned tax dollars away from them. They loathe it when we impede their right to wage war on the non-whites of the world. Apparently, wingnuts like D.R. Tucker are also worried about us taking away their Jesus, too:
Although similar claims have been made about the 2000 and 2004 elections, the next presidential election will unquestionably be one of the most consequential in U.S. history. A significant factor in this election will be the left’s effort to finally achieve a goal it has pursued for decades: convincing a majority of Americans that liberal “social justice” and traditional Christianity are one and the same.
My god. They’re through the looking glass. I better hurry up and distribute all my liberal Jeebus propaganda:
For years, the left has pushed the notion that a permanent welfare state, social “nonjudgmentalism,” environmental eccentricity, staunch pacifism, and wealth redistribution are virtues consistent with the teachings of Jesus.
It’s a seldom-mentioned fact that Jesus hated welfare. For example, did you know he charged 7.9% APR on each magically-generated fish he distributed to the hungry?
And don’t talk to me about nonjudgmentalism. The Lord is all _about_ judging. You’ve got to follow the commandments and not curse his name and always due worship stuff and never forget to give him thanks and prayer. Sheesh. And check out how pissed Jesus got when he realized some poor schlep had the gall to wear white after Labor Day:
“And they went out to see what had come to pass; and they came to Jesus, and found the man, from whom the demons were gone out, sitting, clothed and in his right mind, at the feet of Jesus: and they were afraid.” - Luke 8:35
Don’t fuck with the Jesus, am I right?
I also have no doubt he would consider recycling, the pursuit of renewable energy, and a desire not to bake humanity off the planet totally “environmentally eccentric.” Frankly, compared to what Noah went through, we’re acting like whiny bitches. If the sea level’s gonna rise, you don’t go green — you build an ark and start a petting zoo.
The pacifism point seems a sticky one until you realize how much Jesus’s pop, God, loved the carnage. Sure, Jesus had his hippie phase, but if he had matured a little, he’d have gone violent, too. As the saying goes, if you’re not a liberal in your 20s, you don’t have a heart. If you’re not a conservative in your 30s, you don’t have a brain. And Jesus definitely had a brain. I bet Jesus was just about to wise up until Pontius Pilate got all excited and erected his monument to Jesus a little prematurely and with some unfortunate materials.
Same thing with wealth redistribution. The Bible has a strong track record of defending Pharoahs and Romans and all kinds of folks. And it never seems to show much kindness to enslaved folk, does it? No, I reckon the Bible can be summed up by this Ayn Rand quote: “If any civilization is to survive, it is the morality of altruism that men have to reject.”
According to Mr. Tucker, only recently have we begun have success confusing people about the real Jesus:
On the surface, the left-wing endeavor to associate salvation with “social justice” has been a disaster. However, a closer look reveals that the left has, unfortunately, had some traction in this effort.
One example would be the way we’ve tricked African-Americans into somehow believing the Republicans are out to get them:
Despite vigorous and virtuous attempts on the part of the Republican Party to reach out to African-Americans of faith, the black church, sadly, remains a wholly owned subsidiary of the Democrat Party; the left has propagandized far too many Christians of color into believing that the GOP is inimical to their interests.
Yeah. Kinda makes sense a wingnut would default to the word “owned” to describe one’s relationship with people of color, huh?
Still, times have changed. If only the Republicans could reach out to the black community and share some of their recent slogans:
“The Republican Party: Trent’s back!”
“The Republican Party welcomes all blacks who made it out of New Orleans safely! You are the ones God has chosen to survive!”
“Vote Republican! Why? Because if you don’t, we’ll make the machines say you did anyway!”
But it isn’t just African-Americans we’ve tricked:
The left has also made inroads into the American Catholic Church, convincing scores of believers that the church’s teachings on the sanctity of life and marriage are invalid and obsolete.
Yeah, in fact, I got that picture of Jesus above in a joke email forwarded by the Pope. He’s really softened up.
However, now that six years have passed since Clinton left office, the left is anticipating that Clinton’s moral faults are no longer prominent in the American consciousness, thus giving “progressives” an opportunity to emphasize the alleged moral failings of Bush.
Emphasis mine, because it sure has been hard to pin something immoral on the squeaky clean President Bush, hasn’t it?
Finally, Mr. Tucker gets to the heart of the matter, revealing our plans for duping American Christians with this laundry list of LIES:
The left will seize upon the difficulties in Iraq and in post-Katrina New Orleans, presenting these controversies as “proof” that the GOP is a party that has abandoned Christian principles. They will slander the party as an institution of iniquity, accusing the GOP of tending to the wealthy’s needs and ignoring “the least of these,” blasting the party for supposedly investing in wars instead of the poor. They will declare that Jesus wouldn’t stand for “two Americas,” wouldn’t ignore the “cries” of the “polluted” earth, wouldn’t give “tax cuts to the rich”—and, of course, wouldn’t have led us into an “unjust” war.
How does Mr. Tucker respond to this? How does he refute the idea that the Iraq war, the abandonment of New Orleans, the absurd protection of the wealthy, and the destruction of the planet are deeply un-Christian? How will he counteract our devious plan?
Will it work? Don’t assume it can’t…
Oh. Right. He didn’t refute it because he couldn’t.
You really showed us crazy libs, Mr. Tucker. That littering, gun-toting penny-pincher we call Jesus would be proud.
The left will seize upon the difficulties in Iraq and in post-Katrina New Orleans, presenting these controversies as “proof” that the GOP is a party that has abandoned Christian principles. They will slander the party as an institution of iniquity, accusing the GOP of tending to the wealthy’s needs and ignoring “the least of these,” blasting the party for supposedly investing in wars instead of the poor. They will declare that Jesus wouldn’t stand for “two Americas,” wouldn’t ignore the “cries” of the “polluted” earth, wouldn’t give “tax cuts to the rich”—and, of course, wouldn’t have led us into an “unjust” war.
Uh, yeah, that pretty well sums it up. I will sit here and wait patiently for you to come up with the part of all this that is supposed to be so outrageous. Perhaps you accidentally left it in the car?
I think DR Tucker believes that if you put something in quotes it automatically becomes false. Er, “false.”
He’s kind of reminiscent of Bill O’Reilly, actually. There’s this part at the begining of “Culture Warrior” (I only read the begining) where Bill’s all like, “Those secular progressives want X, Y and Z!” where X, Y and Z were things like “high quality education for children.” And I’m sitting there reading it thinking, what, does he expect someone to apologize for that? What the fuck?
Wow, they aren’t even trying to pretend their Jesus is the same as the Jesus of Nazareth, are they? I mean, I think religion is crap, etc., disclaimer, but c’mon! Why don’t they just say that Jesus blessed the war-mongerers and that he predicted the strong will inherit the earth? I mean, if you’re going to lie, do it up right! I guess they figure their followers will never actually pick up a Bible and read it.
Got to love the non-judgmentalism thing, too. I wonder if Tucker’s Bible has a different ending than mine on the story of Jesus happening upon the crowd fixing to stone an adulteress. I bet he scratched it out and rewrote it so that Jesus grabbed the first stone, ran up and screamed, “Kill all feminist bitches before they destroy the American family!” And while it’s technically true that he spent time with a prostitute, you have to remember that only got out because Mark, Luke, Matthew and John were Librul Media Elites in cahoots to smear Jesus’ good name.
And while it’s technically true that he spent time with a prostitute
No it isn’t. That’s just what the patriarchy decided to call a woman brazen enough to actually hang out with Jesus, as though her spiritual life mattered as much as a man’s. I mean, she may not have been his wife, but she wasn’t a prostitute, either.
My bad. And you’re right. Referencing the common myth. *abashed*
Your patriarchy detector must be on the fritz.
I was too busy thinking of cheers for the Promiscuity Cheerleaders.
Victory, we wanna come,
Do it again
C-O-M-E Sluts will come,
C-O-M-E Sluts will come!
Well Jesus is very judgmental about behavior, he believes sinful behavior should be reformed, he is not judgmental about personage, he talks about Hell a lot but he also talks about repentance and forgiveness. He preached that everyone, everywhere, should believe in him and be saved. This is not a message that is conducive to tolerating other religions but it is not a message that calls for suppressing other religions either. Theologically liberal churches are off base in certain ways but so are many many conservative churches because the means to acheiving the spread of the message is love, charity and non-violence. It is explicitly in the text but self-restraint and unbridled generosity towards others is incredibly difficult.
It is easier to indulge in selfishness, fear, anger, bloodlust and pride…and then tithe.
“A significant factor in this election will be the left’s effort to finally achieve a goal it has pursued for decades: convincing a majority of Americans that liberal “social justice” and traditional Christianity are one and the same.”
Yeah, “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need” is so unchristian.
Tucker: Yes, the partially psychotic, happily hippy, only white dude that lived in ancient Jersalem is our man, hands off. But the real fact is that his mama, Mary is damned pissed and her rage is melting the polar caps. You been using her boy for your own means and she don’t like you screwing with the family like that. Yeah, the liberals gonna getcha Tucker and we got the right people watching our backs, so watch it boy!
The NYTimes has killed 3,000 soldiers in Iraq. Wake up.
You know, it gets REALLY EXHAUSTING to read how the rightie-tighties just NEVER STOP with the LIES and the LYING.
I just want to say THANK YOU to al of you for having the wherewithal to stay on top of it.
My head exploded YEARS AGO, listening to Christofascists disembowel the teachings of Jesus. I honestly have a difficult time believing that ANY Republicans have EVER read the New Testament. I really don’t think they have any idea what Jesus preached.
It is shocking that D.R. Tucker even WROTE this, because he CLEARLY is referencing the text, proving he at least has Access to a Bible. Yet there he is, insisting it doesn’t say what it actually says.
Well Thank you anyway, PuckAssBlog and Amanda, for keeping up the good fight. Because they just NEVER STOP, do they?