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Ah, the new year. A time of resolutions and rejuvenation. For the first bit of January, it seems like everyone’s an optimist about the upcoming 12 months.

After all, who knows? Maybe you’ll get that new job you’ve been angling for. Maybe that itch will turn out to be just a rash. Or maybe we’ll all get blown to bits:

Evangelical broadcaster Pat Robertson said Tuesday that God has told him that a terrorist attack on the United States would cause a “mass killing” late in 2007.

“I’m not necessarily saying it’s going to be nuclear,” he said during his news-and-talk television show “The 700 Club” on the Christian Broadcasting Network.

“The Lord didn’t say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that.”

Robertson said God told him about the impending tragedy during a recent prayer retreat.

God also said, he claims, that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September.

(h/t Pam)

Now you know why Pat Robertson is my official patron saint of Christmas cheer:

I bring tidings of Jesus’ love to all the little boys and girls!

Unfortunately for him, Pat’s revelation leaves us picking from three options to believe, none of which make him look too good.

The first choice is that he’s full of something other than Jesus’s love — say, for argument’s sake, shit. In that case, there will be no bomb, there will be no mass death, and Pat’s just trying to see if he’s got the power to raise our alert level by himself. A cynical person might even say he’s attempting to scare voters into remaining loyal to the hate-and-war machine of the far right.

If so, Pat fumbled at the goal-line. I can practically hear the PA in his earpiece shouting “No, no! 2008! 2008! The presidential election’s in 2008!” after Pat muttered that terror will strike “sometime after September” in 2007, can’t you? Because, come January ‘08, we’ll still be here, and all the folks who’ve been shivering in the corner for eleven-and-a-half months will be pissed enough to consider voting Dem.

The second choice is that Pat knows there will be an attack, but not because he’s in league with God. Rather, it’s because he’s in cahoots with the terrorists. This = bad for Pat for several reasons. One, if his version of God is real, that God’s gonna have the holy hell whupped out of ol’ Pat for eternity for helping the terrorists win. Two, those terrorists aren’t going to have much use for an elderly white Christian in the new regime of the DevilKoran. Three, Pat is clearly bad at keeping secrets (like, say, that a giant surprise attack is coming), which means it’s only a matter of time until he slips up and mentions his wicked awesome spelunking vacation in the foothills of Afghanistan with his buddy “‘Sama.” I doubt his other good buddy Howard Dean will appreciate that, don’t you?

The third choice is that Pat is telling the truth. He and God are tight, God gave him a heads-up about some major pending carnage, and Pat’s passing the dutchie on the left hand side. Should this be the case, Pat has finally given us proof that his God is an asshole.

Imagine if I told you your car was gonna blow up, and I knew when and where so you could avoid it, but decided not to give you that last little detail. You’d be pissed . And you wouldn’t truck with the old “you’ll learn a valuable lesson from this,” either.

I hope Pat knows that’s how a lot of us are going to feel about God if this comes true. The Bible’s full of His selfish, spiteful viciousness — the kind you see from spoiled rich kids who start torturing animals just so they can feel something — but I would like to think God’s done some growing up in the last couple thousand years. If Pat’s not fibbing, though, I’m left to conclude that God’s still an immature, manipulative prick and that I’d be happier hanging out with the Devil. At least you know what you’re getting with that guy.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 3rd, 2007 at 1:47 pm and is filed under Filtered Propaganda, Godbaggery. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.