PunkAssBlog.com

What’s the difference between these two sales pitches:

Good news about looming disaster…it’s easy, inexpensive, fun to get prepared.

WARNING!!! The purest filtered/distilled water may be more dangerous than cigarettes[!]

Answer: the first comes from the WorldNetDaily website, also home to such fearmongering ads as “How the UN will be the death of Isreal and the West” and the “Nukealert 24/7 radiation moniter and alarm” for your keychain. I guess so you can stop lugging that gieger counter around and people have to actually talk to you to discover your raging paranoia.

The second comes from Popular Science. Which really should never allow itself to be compared to WND, but it is the End Times and here we are. And they should be especially embarassed that the WND article/advertisement is more persuasive.

The ad claims that “energized water” will cure what ails you. In a freaking science magazine. The original ad must be seen to be believed.

Better scientists than I have focused on the claim that “Your hydrogen bond angle is 10° greater than ordinary water (114°)! Now we can measure the ability of the blood to reach extremities! Nothing comes close to your water!” So I’m just going to say that if you changed the average angle of the bonds between the molecules of a glass of water by 10 degrees, I’m pretty sure what you’d have in the end would not be behaving like water anymore. 10 degrees is a lot of degrees and the structure of water is kind of unique and leads directly to its some of its more interesting, you know, water-like properties.

But that’s the sort of nitpicking I’ll leave to the chemists, and their claim that people are flushing cancer germs down the toilet where they eventually end up in your drinking water, which is why you get cancer, to the doctor bloggers. There’s more fun to be had in this retro-style text-heavy advertorial:

Here’s what we did to prove that we have the only water in the world that can kil pathogenic bacteria: A town in Colorado that was fined $10,000/day because water treatment companies couldn’t stop the horrible smell coming from a 5 acre waste lagoon with over 10 million gallons of sewer waste. We sprayed our energized water on the surface of the lagoon. The smell was gone in 24 hours!

Wow! What a miracle! Certainly such a success would be shouted from the highest mountain by grateful city management. Give me the name of the town and the year that you did this so that I can give them a chance to praise energized water for saving their town!

You know what this feat reminds me of? Some other awesome but uncited, unattributed, untraceable feat this other unnamed guy did back sometime and all these other people who were like no way! But he was like way! And they were all woah! References available on request, but why wait for us to return your calls when you can just trust us?

Again, we are doing something that nobody else knows how to do or they would have the worldwide patents we have and be doing it themselves. It reminds the inventor of when he received calls and letters from engineers and scientists from all over the world stating there is a mistake in his microswitch catalog, i.e. “the differential movement on one of his switches is wrong! It should be .001 (one thousands of an inch) and his catalog states .0001 which is impossible!” They were wrong! He built 10,000 switches a day for major corporations and to this day nobody has been able to duplicate that switch in volume! Now, it’s déjà vu all over again!!

Yeah, it’s just like that. Need more proof, you skeptical bastard? Well, unfortunately they can’t offer to tell you how their machine works, because that’s propriatary. So you won’t be getting any equations or microscopy results that show this extra 10 degrees or what exactly they’re supposed to do because everyone knows that you can’t offer any proof of how your concept works without telling them how to build a machine of their own. However, Chuck Yagiar abused the fuck out of a frog and that’s good enough for me!

And still after all of this, we need proof. Well, we can prove it to ourselves. I don’t own a hot tub, but my niece has a small, two inch, fresh water African frog named “Henry”. These frogs live under the water. He’s in a 4 gallon plastic tank with some colored rocks and fish tank decorations…

I was fortunate enough to get a sample of Electron Energized Distilled Water made from a LWM Electron 4 Machine, and now it was time to prove it myself. I took the air pump and filter out the tank. I left all the same water in the tank, with all of the waste and food from the previous three months. I did not even wipe or clean the sides of the top of the tank above the water line, which were covered with a layer of film. I poured into the tank about 10 oz of the energized distilled, which is equal to about 2% of the 4 gallons. Then I let it sit stagnant and accumulate the waste and decaying food.

It has been 4 weeks and the water is still CRYSTAL CLEAR, and it still smells clean and Henry is doing great. In fact when I first poured it in, he came out of his hiding place.

Chuck doesn’t actually seem to exist outside this letter - a whitepages.com search finds no listed Yagiars and a google search for his name leads only to this letter. Smart choice, though-if I were detailing how I abused an animal for three months on the hunch that my magic water would save it, I’d publish under a fake name as well.