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A quick google search for “sluts galore” and maybe some stolen images would have really rounded out Ilana Mercer’s “Things that have irritated me this week” column at WorldNetDaily. At the very least, it would have distracted me from the text, which had very little to do with sluts, galore or not galore.

Above: Ilana starts each column with a stream of consciousness prewriting exercise, which is then published as is.
Picture by Travis Parkin Giclee

At first, I thought Ilana was angry because Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends were getting attention and lucrative television deals despite not being at all like Audrey Hepburn or even Egypt’s Queen Nefertiti. And truthfully, who wouldn’t be enraged by such a travesty? However, it turns out that it’s the fact that Barack Obama’s mother misspelled his own name on his own birth certificate that has her panties in a wad, and upon learning this I became sorry that I used up all my rage on Hefner’s bunnies.

The sublime 1350 B.C. bust of Queen Nefertiti showcases her fine cheekbones and graceful neck. Her Western contemporary look-a-like, down to the perfectly shaped dainty face, was Audrey Hepburn…

But forget these regal beauties; they, apparently, have nothing on the double-chinned, large, flat expanses that make up Britney Spears’ crude mug. Nefertiti, Hepburn, Deneuve – your patrician pulchritude no longer excites the “porn generation”; the sly, weasel-like looks of a Paris Hilton do.

The culture’s aesthetic preferences are now shaped by the basest of instincts. I call it the porn aesthetic, another example of which is Hugh Hefner’s harem of hos . [She linked to urban dictionary. For the word 'hos'. Really. - K.] The three kept creatures are currently starring in a reality show called “The Girls Next Door.”

Now I know that you’re angry that Hefner’s girlfriends got their own television show, and you’re absolutely furious that they’d call it “The Girls Next Door” which has always, to the American mind, implied girls that weren’t sluts. You know, the kind of girl that would make you marry her before you finally got to see her naked. It’s this kind of co-opting of pure Americana by cynical Hollywood types that just makes you so mad at publishers like Judith Regan.

No. Really.

Still, these Jenna Jameson clones are benign compared to, say, the aspiring publisher of O.J. Simpson’s manual for murder. Judith Regan stood for the latest low in American publishing, although her confidence in the salability of such a how-to instructional was not entirely unfounded. Market indicators were on her side.

Regan claimed she was seeking “closure, not money.” Since when is every self-appointed proxy of pain in a position to seek closure (whatever that means) for suffering she has not endured?

Well, at least she got the firing that she deserved, so I guess we can all just relax and settl…OMGTHERE’SSOMETHINGTOBEANGRYABOUTOVERTHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Michael fucking Richards! Like, it’s OK that he’s a racist but does he have to be so uncouth? So very crass? My delicate ears prefer a softer, more euphamistic distaste for the darker among us.

Michael Richards’ worst offense was to have sent Paula Zahn scuttling to ferret out the racists of America. Richards’ second worst offense (besides his role as Kramer in the crappy series “Seinfeld”) was what set Zahn off. He assailed the blacks in his audience with racial slurs, after they heckled him (way too mildly) for being unfunny…

As I see it, the unwarranted verbal aggression Richards unleashed was far less disturbing than his gutter manners and lack of inhibitions in voicing this foul repertoire. Richards, who should have been banished forthwith from polite company (that excludes the pulp press and TV), was beamed via satellite into David Letterman’s “Late Show,” where he gruffly proclaimed: “For me to be at a comedy club and flip out and say this crap, I’m deeply, deeply sorry. … I’m not a racist. That’s what’s so insane about this.”

Hey, speaking about black people reminds me of Barack Obama! And speaking of a softer, more euphamistic racism…aw, hell, who am I writing for, anyway? On to the jokes about his name.

Oprah’s Obama, now there’s another emblem of fin-de-siècle America. Barack Obama mania was started by no other than the Queen of Kitsch. So swept up in it has everyone become, that we clean forgot who was responsible for this debutant’s vertiginous rise.

The Democrat’s beau ideal and his artful “ideas” represent the Oprah-ization of American life, down to his exotic multicultural names. Mind you, had he been christened “Barak,” Obama’d be the namesake of an impressive “military general in the Book of Judges.” Alas, if this indeed is the genesis of his name, his mother misspelled “Barak.” His middle name – “Hussein” – Obama shares with Saddam and many millions of Muslims. Whatever.

You know everything you need to know about Obama’s stance on Iraq by reading this quote from this other guy who was making a generalization about Democrats, so you see clearly that he’s way worse than fantastically wealthy sluts, currently unemployed publishing executives, or washed up comedians. Oh, and he’s black and has the same middle name as Saddam’s last name, which might actually be treason. But even if it’s not, he’s totally black. And a Democrat. A black Democrat. BOOGA-BOOO sluuuuuuuuttttttttsssssss!

*Updated to add: Dammit, Ilana, this is how you hate on the hos, year-end-retrospective style. Pay attention!