There’s no such thing as a cheap swimsuit.
Published by Kyso Kisaen December 16th, 2006 in Public ProcrastinationSo this finals week, I went to the gym a few times to work off some nervous energy. Since I had more than an hour to work with, I finally got a chance to go swimming. Now I love swimming, it is my least loathed form of exercise, but I haven’t done it regularly in like four years so I suck. And I’m all pudgy and my swimsuits didn’t fit. So back in September, when I told myself that this was the year I’d really, really start swimming again, I purchased a swimsuit. I didn’t want to spend a lot of money, since my intention was to swim until I was thinner and then buy a flattering expensive swimsuit. But this semester, I just needed something functional to cover my ass as required by the rules of my university pool.
It was the end of summer, so I figured I could get a good clearance deal on a swimsuit. And I did, $20 at Land’s End. The swimsuit came, and it was ugly and a little bit low and tight around the chest but otherwise OK. I was more concerned about the amount of pubic hair and ass coverage, which in this particular swimsuit was adaquate.
It sat in my dresser for a few months, then I finally got a chance to go swimming. I got into the lap pool with 5 rather hairy middle aged guys and began to swim using the front crawl stroke. I swam one and a half laps, then paused because something felt wierd. I looked down and saw…
BOOBS! BOOBS EVERYWHERE! C-cup floation devices had burst free from my swimsuit! Nipples exposed to oxygen!!! Gaaahhhh!!!11!
Thinking it might have been an isolated incident, I as discretely as possible shoved my ta-tas back into my discount swimsuit and swam another lap, when I discovered that it happend again. So again I cram the flesh pillows back into my piece of crap Land’s End ugly ass swimsuit, finish the lap and climb out of the pool looking like someone who can’t even do more than three laps in a row - how embarassing.
The upshot of all this is that I need a decent suit and am now willing to spend some cash. Any suggestions?
I’m off to visit the quasi-in-laws. Back tomorrow when I will hopefully write something worth reading.
13 Responses to “There’s no such thing as a cheap swimsuit.”
- 1 Pingback on Jan 16th, 2007 at 7:56 pm
Speedo has this “grab bag” thing where they sell last year’s suits for a lot cheaper than usual (still not so cheap), but you can’t pick the style. It’s here.
I ordered a suit that way a few years ago and ended up with an ugly suit with an odd, patriotic pattern on the front. It seems like the sort of suit only a US Olympic swimmer ought to be wearing, so I always feel like a big poser. But once you’re swimming the pattern doesn’t matter much anyway, and the suit itself is pretty good.
We always pay, we either have to pay up front or we pay in the end (sometimes both if we are easily dazzled by shiny things and brand names) but we always have to pay in one way or another. Time, money, labor or frustration.
Unfortunate but true.
Good for you Ann Althouse wasn’t looking!
I gave up on swimsuits some time back, what with the worrying about the escape of bulgy body parts or hair-that-must-be-hidden, and have been quite happy using a sports bra and surf shorts (the short kind, not knee-length jams) instead.
Also, if you’re not bothered by a used suit, check at thrift stores and you might get lucky on size or style — just make sure its elastic is still stretchy, and then give it a wash. Good luck!
Butter, I like your top solution, but the gym requires an honest-to-goodness patriarchy-approved swimsuit.
Would they allow you to wear a tshirt over it? I know the 15-year-olds that run our city pool have issues with that, but my attitude is basically, fuck off. I paid to swim, I’m not going to drown, I’m wearing the shirt.
Lands End will take the suit back if you send it to them. Yay for guaranteed returns policies!
maybe it was an isolated land’s end incident? i’ve always found their suits to be kind of old ladyish and not very flattering, but very functional and pretty much indestructible. they have a live chat helper on their site. maybe they could advise you
good luck!
I laughed really hard reading that story. You know you made the holidays for the guys in the pool right? The last suit I bought was Body Glove. It doesn’t fall off. Ever. You can white water raft in Body Glove, body surf in Body Glove, nothing shifts, slides, or is exposed. Ever. The label designs for sports. Gets a little excitable about colors. But hey, better the suit colors than your colors, when you are flashing.
When I used to swim a lot in college, I always picked up discount Speedo suits in the women’s clothing section of Costco & Sam’s Club (yes, evil.) They ran about $20-30 and were high-necked and great for laps. That was only 3 years ago so they probably still sell them there. There were two problems, though (apart from the basic evil of the venue): 1) ugly UGLY colors, although I lucked out with something cute once or twice and 2) nowhere to try them on. I usually just guessed and then took ‘em back if they didn’t fit. Oh! And they come on thin clear plastic torso thingies sometimes, which are great for art projects/room decorations.
Like the commentor above, I also hate regular suits/bikinis/etc. I casual swim in an old boyshort bottom from Marshall’s and a lycra haltertop I found at a thriftstore for $10. Looks very 1950s!
Having had a girlfriend that worked close to and -eventually- at a waterpark, I can tell you bathing suits are far more a fashion issue for women that us guys. After lengthy, involved trips to multiple swimsuit shops, she settled on Body Glove-style suits for swimming laps. I agree with the previous poster that B.G. stuff is built like iron. Even the imitators seem to put together some well-made scuba/surf suits. They all had bright colors and zippers down the front. She never had to “rearrange the goods” when getting out of the pool. I was present when she got compliments, too. They weren’t just guys saying, “you look good in a swimsuit.” (and no, I didn’t feel threatened by that) There were also women saying, “That’s a great swimsuit.” I think it is a general style that looks good on a wider range of bodies. Some of the frivilous nonsense that swimsuit makers are selling (at ridiculous prices!) just don’t look attractive unless you are an underfed model who sits on a beach lounge and does nothing. She did the whole beach volleyball, watersilde and watersports vacation thing. The only suit that came close to a bikini in her closet was a monokini. She had 4 or 5 of those suits, and WOW did she stand out in a crowd! AND she could play volleyball in one, too. My current girlfriend is a former marathoner who trashed her knees, and can’t do high-impact sports anymore. When she asked my opinion on bathing suits, I said, “get a suit like a Body Glove.” She thought it was the best suggestion she’d ever heard from a guy. Long story short: Get a Body Glove-style suit with the zipper front, colorful quality material and attractive non-trashy cut. It will give you the peace of mind and confidence that make you -and women in general- fun to be around when water is part of the enviornment. I’ll get off my soapbox now.
Get a shortish pair of men’s (or women’s, I just like em a bit baggy) workout shorts or trunks (think drawsting) and a women’s rashguard, which looks like a shirt, is UV opaque, and is pretty thick. One can wear a sportbra underneath if boobs are truly huge and houdini-like.
Bathing suits are ridiculous, IMO.