PunkAssBlog.com

WalMart reaches out and snags the “World’s Most Clueless Corporation” trophy right out of Northwest’s hands.

Faced with workers talking about unions and public demonstrations about how much they suck, WalMart phones it in with a “wide-ranging new program intended to show that it appreciates its 1.3 million workers in the United States and to encourage them to air their grievances.” I am, for some reason, reminded of Homer Simpson (”Marge, I ate a pie, I took a nap, what more can one man do?”)

As part of the effort, Wal-Mart managers at 4,000 stores will meet with 10 rank-and-file workers every week and extend an additional 10 percent discount on a single item during the holidays to all its employees, beyond the normal 10 percent employee discount.

Whoooo! Don’t go ’round spoiling those employees, WalMart. A weekly dog and pony show AND an additional 10% off of the original 10% your employees already enjoy off of your everyday low prices. Damn, I can see why you had to limit that to one apiece; gotta set some boundries or they’ll be walking all over you.

Why the magnanimous gestures? Oh, yeah:

Over that time, Wal-Mart has sought to create a cheaper, more flexible labor force by capping wages, using more part-time employees, scheduling more workers at nights and weekends, and cracking down on unexcused days off.

I think every one of us who has ever had a crappy service job can read between those lines.

But hey, as long as WalMart appreciates it, who cares if you can’t get 40 hours or if your pay is kept arbitrarily low unless you can jump through sufficient hoops to get one of them leadership positions.

And appreciate they do.

The program includes several new perks “as a way of saying thank you” to workers, like a special polo shirt after 20 years of service and a “premium holiday,” when Wal-Mart pays a portion of health insurance premiums for covered employees. Sarah Clark, a spokeswoman for Wal-Mart, said the program was a “a more formalized, contemporary approach” to communicating with and collecting feedback from its fast-growing work force.

Let’s go over that again: a special polo shirt after 20 years of service. The paying health insurance premiums during the holiday season is a great idea, too bad even that can’t overcome the stench of suck that flows from the rest of the appreciation program.

I think it’s the heartless insincerity that’s causing most of the problems:

Kory Uselton, a 35-year-old overnight floor cleaner at a Wal-Mart in Tyler, Tex., said his store manager offered “robotic” company-approved responses during a recent meeting when workers questioned the new attendance policy, which originally called for disciplinary action after three unauthorized absences (although it was later revised to four unexcused absences).

Asked if absence for a family emergency, like a sick child, would be authorized, Mr. Uselton recounted, the manager said, “No, it’s not.”

And the staggering cluelessness:

Among other things, she said, there was a toll-free hotline workers could call to report ethical lapses, a Web site on which chief executive H. Lee Scott Jr. answered questions and a policy, known as the “open door,” that permitted anyone to bring complaints to officers at the highest level of the company.

Sure, who’s going to volunteer to use thier whole weekend’s worth of unexcused absences to go down to Bentonville and narc on the management that takes their own cues from the very people in Bentonville with the open door policy.

“Excuse me, High-Level Executive? Umm, management is very harsh and everyone is upset because they don’t make enough money to pay the doctor when their kid is sick and they’ll get fired for staying home to nurse it. Can you do something?”

“Oh, yeah, sure, the instant callousness stops being so very profitable.”

“Umm, any idea when that will be? And could you maybe up the discount to 15% so we can afford more children’s fever reducer?”

“No. And no.”

Anyway, why waste your time with meaningless appreciation tokens when no one appreciates it?

Cleo Forward, a 37-year-old support manager at a Wal-Mart in Dallas, said the new program was promising, but that it fell short in recognizing long-time workers who felt unappreciated by the changes.

“They are going to spend $15 on a Polo for you after 20 years? Give me a break,” he said. “We would rather they lift the wage caps.”

Jeez, what a bitch, huh? Just between you and me, I don’t think she’s really earned that polo, if you know what I mean.

Also, aren’t good polo shirts closer to $30? Jesus, even with their employees’ everyday low expectations, WalMart still comes up a day late and a dollar short. Maybe if there was a hoody or a fanny pack or something in 5 year increments to tide them over until they earn that polo, maybe then they’d stop talking to union organziers? Don’t look at me like I’m the crazy one. Desparate times call for desparate measures.