What with Iraq collapsing and the Republicans suicide-bombing their future, FOX News has turned to covering what really counts: the Britney Spears party watch.
Both the TV network and its website are ogling the newly single Ms. Spears’ forays into hardcore clubbing with America’s favorite professional lush, Paris Hilton:
Spears and Hilton were snapped on their third night out in a row in Los Angeles, drinking and dancing with a bunch of sex-crazed guys — and then swapping one sexy stocking with each other.
You wouldn’t think moral, flag-humping chickenhawks like the fine folks from FOX would stoop to discussing such drivel, but now that the country’s fallen into the hands of sex-crazed hedonists like Nancy “Paris has me on speed-dial, too!” Pelosi and her liberal hooligans, even our finest role models can’t help but go woozy from that pleasure roofie the voters surreptitiously placed in our national drink.
Just look at the sexy sentence quoted above. Even FOX couldn’t help but mention ‘sex’ in it twice, which is tres sexique, and it effortlessly conjures the alluring mental image of Britney grinding that pert bottom against countless lusty crotches. The pournalism fantasy wouldn’t be complete without lesbian overtones, though. Fortunately, the stocking swap detail places that cherry on top.
And with it, all systems are go. Conservatives may now commence masturbation, followed by the climax, the traditional post-coital heaping of shame and self-hate upon oneself, and, finally, the lashing out at others who dare enjoy the simple pleasures but somehow manage to skip that shame/self-hate step.
I also find it interesting FOX always asks women to cover their trashiest subject matter. If you think about it, though, these assignments align quite well with the network’s goals. One, it keeps the ladies from having to talk substantively about complicated man-subjects like war and Terry Schiavo. Two, it helps News Corp dodge accusations like “my, aren’t you a gaggle of sexist assholes?” Three, it saves all those dudes with hard-ons from having to think with their heads after viewing this snapshot:
Just think what it’s like for the FOX newshounds who’re forced to stare down that picture: God, that makes me want to ejaculate. How dare she act like she can just flaunt those tits! Isn’t she a mom? Shouldn’t she be at home with babies hanging off those things? I know what I’d do with ‘em. Dammit, no woman should be allowed to dress like that unless she’s gonna put out. And Britney wouldn’t fuck me. God, that sucks. That bitch has some nerve showing me titties I can’t have. And those legs. Mmm. And grinding against those douchebags in some club. Who the hell does she think she is? Maybe if I just rub my tip a little it’ll go away. Damn, she looks sexy. And happy. Fucking bitch.
Here’s hoping that the women working for FOX — like the author of this piece, Heather Gilmore — write their softcore erotica just to mess with them.