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I’m going to shock you with something heretofore unthought and unspoken in the blogosphere: Dawn Eden…

hates fun.

Take Catholic mass. (Please.)

Catholic mass is where old people go to die in peace. It’s where parents go to smack children for not entering a trance for 75 consecutive minutes. It’s where songs about praising god are sung in the tone you use to chastise your dog for peeing on the rug.

If you don’t leave mass with sore knees, a vague sense of self-loathing, and almost no memory of what transpired over the last hour-plus, you aren’t a Catholic. And Dawn Eden and friends will have you know that if you try to spice up mass in any way, you might as well be dipping your wick in the wineblood.

Recently, Dawn proudly published a letter sent by one of her friends/readers/drones to a priest that dared conduct a Halloween mass in a Barney costume. The indignant author of the letter is a former Anglican priest who decided to go Catholic (presumably for the extra guilt) and states:

What I am trying to show you is that most of what is done on Halloween has NO Christian background and therefore, your use of costumes on the Sunday before All Hallows Eve was completely absurd and a degradation of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. You should be ashamed of yourself.

The envy is palpable. Barney’s more popular than Jesus, and he spends all kinds of alone time with small kids. Most priests must loathe that lucky fucking dinosaur. And I bet this former priest is absolutely kicking himself for not thinking of capitalizing on Barney’s advantages via the Halloween costume idea before leaving the cloth, and his jealousy has driven him into a holy rage against the man who did.

Don’t hate the player, hate the game!

Unfortunately, the former priest should’ve used better logic than what was quoted above, because I’m afraid there’s another little holiday that also has no Christian background. It involves cutting down and decorating a tree in a practice that was verboten for centuries. It uses mistletoe, a fertility charm of the Druids. It happens around the same time as the mid-December festival of Saturnalia, which already involved the giving of gifts. In fact, the 25th of December was the very popular birthdate already attributed to Mithra when the Church miraculously gave it to Jesus 353 years after he croaked.

So are we sure we should let our petty grudges lead us down the path of shaming people for celebrating holidays with no Christian background? Because if we do, I’m afraid you’ll have to give up a lot more than your Barney fantasies, dude.