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Some friends of some guy at the New York Times have these wives that sometimes drink wine coolers and gossip while their children play. This is not a problem as long as it is done responsibly. Seek help if you think you may becoming dependent on alcohol.

There, I did it in three sentences. So why does the NYT have to devote two freakin’ pages to the fact that women are enjoying a glass of wine with their friends as we Return to the Valley of the Dolls:

Happy-hour play dates are here. Between runs to soccer and ballet classes, fund-raisers and homework projects, some stay-at-home mothers are sipping cocktails at afternoon spa parties, drinking bloody marys at play groups and toting wine and wine coolers to parks and friends’ decks while their children frolic nearby.

These women are not out to get drunk, they say. And they insist they are not drinking out of need. Rather, they are looking for a small break from the conventions of mommy-hood…

They know they will be criticized.

You bet your sweet patoot they’ll be criticized! What if their children see them sipping! Out of fancy glassware! The horror, the horror!

They live, after all, in an age when many parents are so protective, they hire consultants to childproof their homes.

Let’s try that again:

They live, after all, in an age when many parents have too much money and time and sticks up their asses so stiff they have to jump in the air and fling themselves backwards to get into bed at night.

Something tells me this set and the “momtini” set overlap a smidge. I see nothing contradictory about hiring someone to tell you to put plastic plugs in your outlets and gates at the top of the stairs and also having to defend your right to a fruity girly girl froufrou drink to the New York Fucking Times. A round of privilege and narcissism for everyone, on me!

Sandra May of South Amboy, N.J., who has a business holding in-home spa parties, says her clients want a taste of the pampering and party time they had while single, even if that means letting a 2-year-old splash in a foot bath or serving virgin cosmopolitans to little girls while their mothers have the real thing.

OK, there is still nothing freaking wrong with this. Perhaps it’s my pre-suburban nightmare blue-collar upbringing, but my parents were not shy about drinking in front of us kids, and neither were any of my friends parents. Sometimes the even (*gasp*) let us have some, although until you’re about 16 or 17 all alcohol tastes like ass. I remember my one friend’s little brother begging his mom for a drink from their more than adequately well stocked liquor closet, and finally she just said “fine, go head, open a bottle and chug down!” knowing exactly what would happen: he became suspicious, opened a bottle, sniffed the contents, and recapped the bottle and put it back on the shelf. My parents kept our well-stocked childrens library on the bottom shelf of an antique icebox, the other shelves contained the booze and the glassware.

You want to teach those girls responsibility? Let ‘em drink virgin margaritas until they puke pink food coloring into their barbie pyjamas, then send them off to school with nothing but a children’s Tylenol and a bottle of water. That’ll learn ‘em.

“It is saying mothering will look however I want it to,” Ms. Summers said. “It might just be a way of weeding out the mothers who are righteously indignant about what other people do. I know I don’t need more mothering guilt or mothering judgment in my life.”

Sure you do, sweetie. In fact, you’re the segue between the glittery, irrepressible moms gathering together on their well appointed patios and sipping wine coolers in the sunset and the dour future that could be waiting in the shadows for any one of them…even…you.

Suniya S. Luthar, a psychology professor at Columbia University and mother of two, said her research has shown that alcohol and drug use is up among relatively affluent mothers. And there seems to be a reason.

“We are in a position right now where women can feel incredibly disconnected and lonely,” Dr. Luthar said, explaining that the apparent self-medicating she has found in interviews with clinicians and private practitioners and in an online survey could be a dangerous trend…

Susan Shapiro Barash, author of “The New Wife: The Evolving Role of the American Wife,” who teaches a class in gender studies at Sarah Lawrence College, said it is the attitude of modern martini mothers that determines whether they are repeating history.

“Is the drinking purely social or is this an underlying message that there is something missing?” Ms. Barash said. “This might be a happy event, but it certainly wasn’t for their predecessors. The drinking was just a coping mechanism for loneliness and unhappiness.”

It’s hard to make fun of people who are concerned about alcohol dependency of women triggered by their empty, uselessly privileged housefrau lives, because obviously that would suck if we really were drifting back towards the Valley of the Dolls. However, the NYT tempts me and tempts me sorely with their trowel-applied, dripping concern over the dangers Moms Gone Wild are exposing themselves to.

Dr. Luthar, the psychologist, conceded that drinking together does beat drinking alone, particularly if the women in their groups can “achieve that sense of connectedness, with feelings of being seen, being heard, and of being understood.” Others, though, see alcohol as a risky way to connect. While many of the mothers who defended cocktail play dates claimed that having children underfoot promoted greater restraint, most probably would not tolerate it from hired caregivers.

Yeah, my boyfriend’s old boss smokes a lot of pot, but that doesn’t mean he can’t fire an employee for lighting up some Mary Jane on the job. My parents also had parties in our home when I was a child, but shockingly enough the babysitter who did the same was never asked back. Funny, that.

Buried at the bottom is the real advice, but it seems difficult and possibly even feminist. Best scare the uppity housewives into not imbibing in groups, where they might start talking about ways to impliment said advice.

But even Ms. Mellor, the “Martini Playdate” author, worries that many parents seem to have heard her plea to party while ignoring her book’s greater message of not giving oneself up entirely to the children.

“It’s not just about drinking and cutting loose, it’s about giving your children the tools to be self-sufficient,” she said. “Because if you haven’t changed your general attitude, then you just end up being a really busy drunk.”

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 9th, 2006 at 8:59 pm and is filed under Family, For the ladies, Shame on you for being a woman. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.