when the status quo frustrates.

Happy 30th! You’re finally ready to learn about the birds and the bees.

Tuesday, October 31st, 2006

Hello all!

Today, I’d like to speak to the youngsters in the audience, those under age 29.

I know you’re probably horsing around in lawn sprinklers, staying over at friends’ houses on the weekends, and doing your level best to avoid a case of the cooties, but as you near the age of adulthood (30), you’re probably also hearing about things like s-e-x and how to use your naughty parts to make God angry.

Some of this information can be helpful, like learning that babies don’t pop out of mommy’s bellybutton, but some of it can be confusing and scary. You may even be feeling peer pressure to engage in intimate touching or games involving a spun bottle and a coat closet. Fortunately, the government and I are here to help you avoid making unwanted babies and/or catching diseases that’ll rot off your winkie.

How will we do this? Well, as USA Today notes, the government is prepared to spend millions to educate you about the safest sex of all: none!

The government is targeting unmarried adults up to age 29 as part of its abstinence-only programs, which include millions of dollars in federal money that will be available to the states under revised federal grant guidelines for 2007

Punkassblog was fortunate enough to receive a generous portion of these monies, and today we’ll be starting our outreach program to the 20-29 year olds who need to know the truth about carnal relations.

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Does this mean I can throw out my mascara and replace it with Manic Panic?

Monday, October 30th, 2006

It’s a tragic but common lament: “She’d be so pretty,” people say. “If it weren’t for those thin, raggedy eyelashes.”

But cheer up, ugly duckling! Your days of being a slave to fake eyelashes and burdensome mascara wands are over! And don’t even fear for a second that we’re going to tell you to just fuck it and go without, as if! Why settle for being unfuckable when a group of cosmetic surgeons are, out of the kindness of their hearts, ready to unleash a formerly obscure reconstructive procedure on a needy public. Just like it’s not fair for those masectomy patients to hog all the booby silcone goodness, there’s no reason on earth that only the scarred or burned should enjoy the luxury of eyelash hair plugs.

Using procedures pioneered by the hair loss industry for balding men, surgeons are using “plug and sew” techniques to give women long, sweeping lashes once achieved only by glued on extensions and thick lashings of mascara…

“Longer, thicker lashes are an ubiquitous sign of beauty. Eyelash transplantation does for the eyes what breast augmentation does for the figure,” said Dr Alan Bauman, a leading proponent of eyelash transplants.

Nothing says sexy like hair plugs, I’ll give them that. And at a mere $3,000*, who couldn’t afford to throw away the hassle of mascara and gain back those precious wasted seconds.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “$3,000? PER EYE? Jesus tap-dancing Christ.” I know, but sit back and think about it for a second. Think about the beauty of eyelashes, how sexy they are, how they frame your beautiful eyes, and eventually you will come to realize…”hey, if these hair follicles are coming from the back of my head, what keeps them from not growing longer than the lashes I already have?”

Nothing, my friend. Nothing at all. But when you’re trimming your eyelashes as often as you trim your bangs, just think about how much time you save all those days you’re not applying extensions, and about how often people compliment your eyelashes, and how $6,000 is like almost nothing.

Erica Lynn, 27, a Florida model with long auburn hair, breast implants and a nose job, had eyelash transplants three years ago because she was fed up with wearing extensions on her sandy-colored lashes.

“When I found out about it, I just had to have it done. Everyone I mention it to wants it. I think eyelashes are awesome. You can never have enough of them,” Lynn said.

“I can’t wait until they’re long enough to French braid,” she gushed. “It takes my mind off the fact that my life is so empty I was able to get ‘fed up’ with fake eyelashes as though anyone gives a fuck.”

*per eye. Really.

…And I’ll build my own blog! With hookers! And black Jack!

Friday, October 27th, 2006

In the long tradition of the various unnameable nobodies who left major bands right before they were famous, I am leaving Punkass.

Do not ask why, let me instead blame it on harrassment by Ann Blartow, as everyone else seems to be atm and I feel I’m at that time in my life when I feel insecure enough in my self to mindlessly follow the pack and fit in with everyone else for once.

Okay, now for some final words:

First off, I call down a curse on feminists, the curse shall be “cuntensquirten”, I urge them to use it wisely.

Second off, I challenge the photoshoppers of Left Blogistan to incorporate the phrase (or some variation of it)…

Do it bold, do it with… Diebold Ultrathins

For when you don’t care about the results

…into something.

And last but not least, I urge everyone to keep their fellatio fingers flying. (more…)

Don’t look now, but it’s a google bomb

Friday, October 27th, 2006

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I don’t like this, but I can’t tell if it is my feminism or my environmentalism that’s doing the complaining.

Thursday, October 26th, 2006

The Ms. Magazine Annual Cruise reaches it’s third year. They sent me an email listing the top 10 reasons I should spend $1,600+ to go on their boat.

Top Ten Reasons You Should Join Us on the Ms. Cruise

10. Rejuvenate, commiserate, celebrate with feminist friends – bring yours and/or make new!

9. Receive 20 continuing education credits from the National Association of Social Workers.

8. Make stops in Key West, FL; Mexico; Belize and Guatemala.

7. Plot and strategize with feminist thinkers, writers, activists and readers on how to change the world … and not a minute too soon.

6. Get the “dish” on 35 years of Ms. – Breaking Stories ­and Making History.

5. All taxes, port fees, and gratuities are included in one price!

4. 2 swimming pools – world renowned spa – casino – all on board.

3. Dine with Tyne Daly, Dolores Huerta, Ellie Smeal , Martha Burk … and that’s just the beginning.

2. Enjoy exclusive Ms. port excursions in Mexico and Belize. Meet with feminists on the ground in those countries — discuss the environment, gender equality and women’s health.

1. As you vacation, you are helping raise funds for Ms. Magazine – the voice of the feminist movement. Think of it as enjoyable giving!

I think it’s numbers 7, 2 and 1 that piss me off the most, but #4 and the website remind me about how much I dislike cruises in general.

Anyone else uncomfortable with a Ms. cruise, or am I just being uptight?

Let the bodies hit the floor! (But don’t count them).

Thursday, October 26th, 2006

Yesterday, George Bush made an even stronger case for being considered both an imperialist and a war criminal. Thanks, NRO!

“We have made a conscious effort not to be a body-count team,” Bush said, in a clear reference to the tabulations of enemy killed that became a hallmark of the Vietnam War.

30,000! 665,000! Potato! Po-tah-to! Let’s call the whole thing… er, let’s stay the course.

“My buddies are saying, are you doing enough, not are you doing too little. They want to know, are we winning. They want to know, this mighty country, are we doing what it takes to win?”

This mighty country. Asskicker of Panama. Pwner of Grenada. Defender of Somal- er, pass me a Keystone and the beer bong! I’ll show you mighty.

“The frustration is that the definition of success has now gotten to be, how many innocent people are dying?” the president said. “And if there’s a lot dying, it means the enemy is winning.” He paused. “That doesn’t mean they’re winning.”

I mean, shit, it’s ain’t like the ENEMY’S the one out there killing all them innocent… ah, look, sometimes we have to do a little raping and pillaging to… uh, what I mean is, how many innocent people would be alive today if we hadn’t… er, we’re not a body count team.

In World War II, Bush said, progress, while hard to gain, was easier to describe. One could point to ships sunk, and battles won. “We don’t get to say that — a thousand of the enemy killed, or whatever the number was,” Bush said. “It’s happening. You just don’t know it.”

I promise you those bloated, tortured corpses rotting in the street are our fau- er, like Chuck Norris’s secret agent work, our wonderous successes in the battlefield are mucho classified.

“A lot of people are just saying, ‘You’re not doing enough to win. We’re not winning, you’re not doing enough to win, and I’m frustrated, I want it over with, with victory.’ And I’m trying to figure out a matrix that says things are getting better. I think that one way to measure is less violence than before, I guess…”

See, less violence and killing, especially of innocents, is the way you tell if you’re winning the… er, WE ARE NOT A BODY COUNT TEAM.

“We’ve had a lot of people out there saying, split up the country,” Bush said. “That’s not going to work. But there are ways to achieve a more balanced federalism from what some people think is going to happen to them. There could be more — like Texas, we always want less federal, more state. And that’s the way — this balance can be achieved through negotiations. That’s what they’re trying to do.”

Iraqis look up to Texas — it’s bigger than France, for Christ’s sake. And it has an airforce where you can stash your kids in a time of war- er, it hates the federal government, of which I am the- er, Texas executes shitloads of people too, and we can barely count them, either. See? I told you they was sister states.

“If we can’t win, I’ll pull us out,” the president said.

But we all know the pull-out method don’t work, so I might as well just shoot my load inside the squirming, uppity bitch so me and my buddies can show her how mighty we are. It ain’t like we’re going to count her anyway.

A story in six words

Wednesday, October 25th, 2006

Margaret Atwood’s is my favorite:

Longed for him. Got him. Shit.
- Margaret Atwood

Manos, (gay) hands of fate

Wednesday, October 25th, 2006

Yesterday, Shakes Sis linked the story of a gay man who will likely be denied the option to open his own home business:

Members of the Manassas City Council are hearing plenty of opinions on whether a gay man should be allowed to open a massage therapy business in his home.

Howard Daniel is a former Marine Corps reservist who is also a certified massage therapist. He wants to open the business in his home, but nearly two dozen Manassas residents have spoken out against his application.

Daniel already offers his massage therapy services at the local hospital and in the homes of clients.

The Washington Post reports that the Manassas City Council has approved two other applications for home-based massage therapy businesses over the past three years. But at least three of the six members of the county council say they vote against Daniel’s application.

Our punkassresearch team investigated the claims against Mr. Daniel, and I’m pleased to bring you an exclusive look at some of the letters filed against him in the enlightened community of Manassas, VA.

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The case of the missing name. And the missing party affiliation. And the missing integrity.

Tuesday, October 24th, 2006

I suppose no one was suprised to find out about the Hart InterCivic e-voting snafus in Virginia. Usually we have to wait until after the election was fixed to determine how it was fixed, but in this case, we’ve been given an awesome sneak peek into the 2006 version of the Republican e-voting advantage.

U.S. Senate candidate James Webb’s last name has been cut off on part of the electronic ballot used by voters in Alexandria, Falls Church and Charlottesville because of a computer glitch that also affects other candidates with long names, city officials said yesterday.

Yes. Other candidates who also have long names. Long like ‘James Webb.’ Whew. Hold on a sec. I need a swig of Gatorade after pounding out all the characters in ‘James Webb.’ Shit, I did it again. If I’m not careful ‘J-a-m-e-s W-e-b-b’ will soon spell ‘c-a-r-p-a-l t-u-n-n-e-l.’ I hope you guys are still reading after having to pour through all the text involved in reading ‘James Webb’ a few times.

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Daily Mail offers a sneak peak at 2007′s elegant new “Hey, shouldn’t you be breeding?” talking point.

Tuesday, October 24th, 2006

So you’re a modern feminist -a selfish, man-hating, family-despising, money-grubbing, over-educated, careerist, emasculating bitch, and life is good, yes? You managed to get a decent job in marketing despite your Women’s Studies degree, you found something with a penis (we hesitate to call it a man, but a feminist has to take what she can get, ya know) that is willing to share its life with you and you’re thinking that maybe in four or five years when that promotion comes through and you and your heterosexual lifemate finally own some property maybe you’ll settle down and have 2, maybe 2.5 kids.

Sure, you’ve heard that it gets harder to concieve as you get older, but as smarter people than you have said, it’s not like you go through menopause at 27. And you’re just the kind of career-driven, over-agressive, too-masculine slut that you’ll play them odds if it means you can have it all!

But wait! What if those odds weren’t yours to play?

Women who delay having children could be condemning their daughters to the heartbreak of infertility, warn researchers.

A new study suggests older mothers may bequeath a devastating legacy by passing on biological flaws that will make it more difficult for their own daughters to get pregnant.

Now, no one can tell you how to live your own life, and no one can stop you from sabotoging your own chances at the ultimate feminine fulfillment. But to fuck over your own hypothetical daughter…well, it’s your choice, but you know, if you loved her, you’d have her about five years earlier than you planned and damn the consequences.

Lord Robert Winston has also warned that women are sacrificing maternal happiness for career success. He said it was a “social problem” that could be remedied by measures encouraging young women to take time out from their careers.

America, the land of WTF

Monday, October 23rd, 2006

It doesn’t surprise me that the Foley scandal will impact a very small minority of voters. What surprises me is that 1 in 25 American voters is actually more likely to vote for a Republican as a result:

Less than one in five voters say the page scandal will affect their vote; 12 percent are more likely to vote for the Democratic candidate in their district as a result, 4 percent are more likely to vote for the Republican, and 1 percent less likely to vote in general.

We’ve discussed the harcore 30-percenters before, the deep Republican base that would vote “R” even if President Bush and Dennis Hastert cooked and ate a baby on Rachel Ray’s show, but the Foley 4-percenters are a bit harder to explain.

Presumably, if they are “more likely” to vote Republican, this means they were recently a little soft on the Republicans, or maybe not even Republican voters at all. That Mark Foley was revealed to have doggedly pursued sex with children has provided 4% of those polled with a new resolve to vote Republican.

If Wikipedia is right, 70% of Americans are registered to vote. Let’s say that half of that 70% actually call themselves voters, which means we’d be looking at a pool of 105 million American voters. While poll data comes from a small sample, and its +/- can often be even larger than 4%, what if this were right? 4% of 105 million = 4.2 million people. Even if the poll is off by a wide margin, we could be looking at a million people more likely to vote Republican after hearing about Foley lusting after kids. I’m sure membership in NAMBLA is larger than I’d like to think, but I doubt it can count a million people among its ranks. So how come 4% of people polled are more likely to vote Republican than they were before hearing about Foley’s obsession?

The answer may lie in the morality double standard in politics. Any Republican scandal also reflects poorly on the Democrats:

Two-thirds of voters say they think the Republicans knew about Rep. Foley’s inappropriate behavior and intentionally failed to take action. At the same time, there is also suspicion of the Democrats’ on the scandal as 49 percent say the Democrats also knew about the behavior and waited until the election approached to release the information. A majority of independents agrees with each of these statements.

Who wants to bet that the 4-percenters are more angry with the Democrats than with the Republicans (who we _know_ actively covered it up) because these people automatically assume the Dems were playing “party politics” with the issue?

Or, in a wholly separate line of reasoning, it’s also possible that this 4 percent maps exactly to the number of Hummel figurine collectors in this country.
creeeeeepy
Nothing says ‘creepy person’ like a Hummel on the mantle!

The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

Sunday, October 22nd, 2006

Seems the diplomat who claimed our efforts in Iraq showed “arrogance” and “stupidity” has been shown the error of his ways:

“Upon reading the transcript of my appearance on Al-Jazeera, I realized that I seriously misspoke by using the phrase ‘there has been arrogance and stupidity’ by the U.S. in Iraq. This represents neither my views nor those of the State Department. I apologize,” Fernandez said in a statement.

Translation: I was possessed by a terrible demon, but the President fixed me up real good.