Happy 30th! You’re finally ready to learn about the birds and the bees.
Published by punkass marc October 31st, 2006 in SexHello all!
Today, I’d like to speak to the youngsters in the audience, those under age 29.
I know you’re probably horsing around in lawn sprinklers, staying over at friends’ houses on the weekends, and doing your level best to avoid a case of the cooties, but as you near the age of adulthood (30), you’re probably also hearing about things like s-e-x and how to use your naughty parts to make God angry.
Some of this information can be helpful, like learning that babies don’t pop out of mommy’s bellybutton, but some of it can be confusing and scary. You may even be feeling peer pressure to engage in intimate touching or games involving a spun bottle and a coat closet. Fortunately, the government and I are here to help you avoid making unwanted babies and/or catching diseases that’ll rot off your winkie.
How will we do this? Well, as USA Today notes, the government is prepared to spend millions to educate you about the safest sex of all: none!
The government is targeting unmarried adults up to age 29 as part of its abstinence-only programs, which include millions of dollars in federal money that will be available to the states under revised federal grant guidelines for 2007
Punkassblog was fortunate enough to receive a generous portion of these monies, and today we’ll be starting our outreach program to the 20-29 year olds who need to know the truth about carnal relations.
Lesson 1: Sex is dirty.
Would you ever hock a loogie and spit it all over your genitals? Of course not. Yet, every single day, thousands of unwitting twentysomethings engage in their first sexual activity without realizing just how many gross fluids will be involved. Trust me when I say that, by the time you’re done having sex, you will be coated in various sticky substances, some of which may smell like Cheasapeake Bay.
Lesson 2: Sex is complicated.
No matter your gender, your body possesses many protusions and a large number of holes. With all of these combinations, who can keep track of which thing goes in what hole at which time? If you get careless, you could break a toe or burst an eardrum. Best to wait until you’re 30 and can make mature decisions about what bodily violations are right for you.
Lesson 3: Sex is mainstream
Like smoking dope and nipple rings, sex is for the kids who want to fit in by “rebelling.” Let the poseur slacker types play at conformity while you stick it to the man by sticking nobody with nothing.
Lesson 4: Sex is distracting
Your 20s ought to be spent doing 2 things: binge drinking and advancing your career. Why let sex keep you from the things that matter most?
Lesson 5: Sex is dangerous.
Some people have heart attacks during sex. Others die from AIDS. Women get knocked up and men get stuck footing the bill. Don’t load the gun and spin the chamber until your best years are already behind you.
There you have it, kids: 5 big reasons to just say no to sex.
I turned 30 this year, and I can’t tell you how great it felt to have waited until then to have my first sexual experience. Sure, my balls imploded back when I was 27, but that just ensures I won’t cause any unwanted pregnancies. See? The program’s working already.
Sure, my balls imploded back when I was 27, but that just ensures I won’t cause any unwanted pregnancies.
Thank god for Neuticles!
Now in Abstinence-Only Human Size®.
you will be coated in various sticky substances, some of which may smell like Chesapeake Bay.
BAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sticky fluids destroy society!
God, I can’t wait to turn 30.
Like smoking dope and nipple rings, sex is for the kids who want to fit in by “rebelling.” Let the poseur slacker types play at conformity while you stick it to the man by sticking nobody with nothing.
Is there some sort of mark I can put on my body to display how abstinently non-conformist I am? My hand has looked so empty ever since I washed those two X’s off of it.
Dear Mr. Faletti,
I can’t thank you enough for this valuable abstinence-only educational information. And you’ve posted this just in the nick of time. See, I’m turning 30 in exactly two weeks. Unfortunately, I have already engaged in the foul activities that you describe. I’ve tried too many combinations of protrusions and orifices to list here. I’m not sure exactly how many partners I’ve had — I stopped keeping track once I hit double digits.
I used to think that as an adult citizen of the United States, the government shouldn’t care what kind of sex I have and with whom I’m having it, so long as nobody’s getting hurt. But that was five minutes ago. Your post has shown me the error of my ways.
So I have just one question for you — do you know where I can get a revirginization procedure done before November 15th? I’d like to start my 30’s off right.
Sincerely,
raging red
Raging Red –
Thank you for seeing the error of your sinful ways. To initiate revirginization, please accept Jesus into your heart and purchase one of the following purity rings to wear to remind fornicators about how happy and superior you are.
Also, please do not neglect to get married on the eve of you thirtieth birthday in order to keep any sex you may have in the future not-sinful.
Kyso Kisaen - “To initiate revirginization, please accept Jesus into your heart and purchase one of the following purity rings to wear to remind fornicators about how happy and superior you are.”
Where on your hoo-ha does the purity ring go? I never really understood that…
So I turned 30 in September, does that mean I can now start giving it to the husband with a clear conscience? Because all the fucking these last 8 years has really been weighing me down. And also, do the two offspring I’ve produced for Satan’s glorious army count against me, or is it just the fact that my heathen self and nominally Hindu husband are raising them without religion that is causing the problem and not the army of Satan? A swift reply would be greatly appreciated as I don’t want to upset our great and glorious government.
Mike, please think harder. How is a person supposed to see a ring that is placed upon your sacred hoo-ha when no one is supposed to be looking there? Since your espoused will have the key to your ornately decorated chastity belt, this is a non-issue. You wear the ring on your finger, on a chain around your neck, or if people aren’t mentioning it enough, on your nose.
KS, I think it would be best if your children were raised by a less hell-bound couple while you and your tragically misguided husband wait for the 30-39 re-education program to be released. It should be a convienent online course, so keep your operating system up to date. Should you complete the program satisfactorily, you will be allowed to attend the same church as your children that you may listen to them sing in the choir. Praise the Lord.
Shit, were we supposed to keep this thing secular for a few more years?
Kyso, I figured the ring was supposed to stop people from using your hoo-ha. Seeing it on a finger or something is too easy to ignore, but if it physically stops the unholy violation - there’s security!
Besides, I heard that most chastity belts use a really cheap lock that opens with a common key (like those Diebold voting machines). What kind of security would that be?…
Won’t someone think of the hoo-ha’s?…