Or why you need to hate yourself and how
We all judge people (via), how we dress, the way we comb our hair, little things really, but have you ever noticed how big a deal we can make out of those little things? For instance, a man may walk a certain way or sleep with a certain gender and suddenly people start labeling him “gay”! The reason I bring this up is to highlight the carefully guarded secret that feminists don’t want you to know: Everyone is judging you, that stranger you passed in the street, your parents and loved ones especially.
Now of course a feminazi would suggest that you find a way to have self esteem that didn’t rely on other people’s opinions and judgments of you – but think about that for a second, do you really not want to care whether a stranger thinks you’ve got a fat ass? For one thing, it fails to in anyway deal with the problem at hand – namely your fat ass – and for another, it completely ignores the fact that as a woman you in no way deserve to feel good about yourself.
And that is the most important lesson of all: You are ugly and therefore worthless as a lady.
But despite you sucking toast like there is no tomorrow, you probably don’t hate yourself quite as much as you should, even those really ugly women (you know, feminists) have some remnant of childish self worth after all, so what you need is some sort of arbitrary and objective way of measuring exactly how much you can ugly up a room when you walk in.
Now there are, in theory, many ways to measure your objective worth as a person, from professional/academic achievements, monetary or social status or how many children your partner had using your vagina, the trouble lies in the fact that ladies can only really have worth that’s worth having based on one thing: Their appearance.
Sure you can act like a man, with your high heels and shoulder length hair, but when it comes down to it, all women are like houses – it doesn’t matter what’s upstairs when you’re being entered by dinner guests, and no amount of academic achievements are going to make it rise in value as much as wood paneling on your pelvic floor will.
But appearance is a matter of subjective preference right?
My God, how stupid are you to ask me such moronic questions? Of course it’s not, why do you think they call them “beauty” magazines? But how do you actually take such an objective external concept of beauty and turn that into a accurate way of measuring your personal level of ugliness? Well the first step is to find a good example of externally agreed upon beauty, like say Paris Hilton or Ann Coulter, cut out all the pictures of this woman you can find and stick them all around the full length mirror you are going to have installed, before you strip completely naked in front of the mirror and start comparing yourself according to my freshly patented Hate Scale™.
The Hate Scale
It is a well known fact that men have a way of judging women on a ten point scale, with one being the lowest and ten being the highest. Now what is not so well known is that, free of the essential stupidity that is caused by having a vagina, men have actually come up with a method of judging feminine beauty that has been proven in study after study to be scientifically objective, in each study of multiple men the researchers asked to rate women with a number between one and ten, they all gave the women a number between one and ten (and it don’t come more objective than that). And while judging a woman objectively with no external frame of reference is something so utterly beyond women that even a set of 5lb prosphetic testicles and a love of playing with them won’t help you do so, you can use the scientifically proven method invented by men to hate yourself to a better (i.e. better looking) you!
So you’re naked, in front of a full length mirror surrounded by the pictures of Paris Hilton or who ever you’ve picked to be your reference point, now what?
Write down “10″ on a piece of paper, and, by comparing your mirror image and the reference, subtract from that number every single difference you see between the reference’s body and your own and keep doing this until you run out of differences even if you go into negative figures, is your nose a different shape? Minus one, hair not blonde? Minus one? Eyes not empty souless holes that open up onto a bottomless abyss of despair?Minus one…
Now after you’ve finished comparing, add to your score so far, one point if you…
- Look like you recently recovered from a heavy crack addiction
- Wear too much makeup
- Have an incredibly large jaw designed for crushing bones of carrion up for better digestion in your hyena like digestive system
- Suffer from a permanently bad dye job
Okay, you’ve finished and you want to know how you did, well here’s the handy dandy scientifically objective scale that tells you exactly how ugly you are:
Between 10 and 5: You’re a very good replica of Ann Coulter, you can now fuck into spermatozoic slavery any leading townhall pundit who’s dick you can actually find.
Between 4 and 1: DAMN you’re Ugly, but not join the islmaofacist cause for the burka privileges ugly.
Between 0 and -5: Put the five course meal down and step away from the fast food joint.
Less than -6: if you go out in public you’re a selfish, inconsiderate person ontop of being a hideous creature no doubt spawned from the fevered imagination of HR Giger after a night of heavy drinking with his good buddies Escher and Lovecraft.
Now you may be thinking, “but I don’t really hate myself that much now, even after doing your stupid test, where’s my refund?” but you must just be patient with me and allow time for my patent pending Hate Scale™ to work it’s charms, you’ll only really start to feel the hate after you take an hour or so out of your day to perform this exercise for a week or two (you don’t have to shout “Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate!” while you do it, but my test subjects say it helps).
But when you finally really got your hate on, we can move on to phase 2: Hating yourself to a slimmer, more antifeminist you.
Tune in next weeks folks, same Betters Blogger time, same Betters Blogger idiot…
R, you rule.
What if your bad dye job doesn’t cause you any suffering? Does it still count? And while I don’t have a chisled jaw, I do have shoulders you could land a plane on…I can’t add any points at all to my score, can I?
Well, then I guess we can skip to the lesson about internalizing the self-loathing. Will I need to bring #2 pencils?
Give me a million bucks and I’ll look like Paris Hilton if you like.
Give me a million fucks with right wing pundits and I’ll look like Ann Coulter whether you like or not.
Give me a law degree my daddy paid for and I’ll hate women who got one themselves.
Give me a husband to pay my way and I’ll hate women who pay their own.
But right now, if you give me a full length mirror, I might break it over your head.
Thank you.
And while I don’t have a chisled jaw, I do have shoulders you could land a plane on…I can’t add any points at all to my score, can I?
According to the Antifeminist Guide to the Female Reproductive Organs, broad shoulders are a good indicator of your ability to give birth – which is the true indicator of your RealLadytude.
You know, I’d love to fulfill that mission, but the ortho tricyclene is just so damn tasty that I can’t help but have at least one every day.
all women are like houses – it doesn’t matter what’s upstairs when you’re being entered by dinner guests, and no amount of academic achievements are going to make it rise in value as much as wood paneling on your pelvic floor will.
Poetry.
Does this mean carpeting is out, by the way?
Does this mean carpeting is out
God, I hope not.
Yeah, me too.
hey, toast.
now i’m hungry.
Give me a law degree my daddy paid for and I’ll hate women who got one themselves.
As much as it pains me to say this, Ann Coulter went to my law school, so I know that, even if her daddy paid her tuition, he didn’t buy her degree. She earned that, just like the rest of us did.
[...] UPDATE: Speaking of tasteless stuff, I forgot to include this post by PunkAssedBlog in which she Mildred Speaks of the Importance of Hating Yourself. [...]