PunkAssBlog.com

Opening Sunday of the NFL season brings the joy of gorging myself on game after game via my friend Johnny Jet’s NFL Sunday Ticket and the pain of gorging myself on too much junkfood. As usual, the day brought its share of surprises and confirmations, but with one notable exception, the storylines of today’s slate of games revolved almost entirely around the quarterback position.

Mike Vick slaps around a chic Super Bowl pick.
Today’s MVP was Michael Vick, who took the Falcons on the road and kept the Panthers off balance all day with his feet and his arm. Any time Vick completes a TD pass to a wideout, you should check hell’s temperature, but if I didn’t know better, I’d say he looked downright comfortable making his reads and tossing the ball downfield to someone other than TE Alge Crumpler. The Panthers normally have some success against Vick, but today even studs like DE Julius Peppers were left sucking wind after Vick beat them for another first down. If Vick can consistently control games like this, the Falcons can win that division.

Chris Simms proves the hype machine wrong. Again.
Newsflash: Chris Simms chokes when the lights are on. He’d be a hall of fame preseason QB, but as anyone who ever watched him play a game of any import at Texas knows, the kid has zero leadership skills, even less heart, and no guts. Chris Simms brings a famous name and a hand around his own neck to a game, and that’s about it. Tampa’s rookie backup, Bruce Gradkowski, may see the field sooner rather than later after Tampa Bay was shut out by Baltimore today. Simms scored more points for the opposition than his own squad today, and I’m guessing the locker room wasn’t too tolerant of his petulant pretty boy routine after the game. Fortunately, Gradkowski might be the perfect fit. I covered him at the Shrine Game before the draft, and the kid looks born to play in Gruden’s west coast scheme of short and play action passes. Simms looks like he’s ready to throw another INT.

Brett Favre needs help. He has none.
Bless his heart, Favre still slings the ball around like Sterling Sharpe or Antonio Freeman are catching balls in their primes. Too bad all he has are a double-covered Donald Driver and some NFL Europe hopefuls to throw to these days. Favre needs to retire or demand a trade before we forget the good times and remember only lines like those of today against the Bears: 15/29, 170 yds, 2 INT. Will the Aaron Rodgers era begin soon in GB? Either way, they look primed for a 3 win season.

John Kitna sucks.
Even Mike Martz can’t fix him, people. Can we stop pretending the Lions will emulate the Rams now?

So do Alex Smith and Losman.
Smith checks down to his backs and TEs like wideouts are a disease, and Losman continues to eschew the smart play for a big one that usually never materializes.

New Orleans paid Drew Brees $10 mil, and all they got was competance.
It’ll get them wins against have-nots like Cleveland, but we’ll see how he fares against potential playoff teams. He sure looked happy to have Reggie Bush on his team, though.

Drew Bledsoe must hate reality TV.
Because once that dude has to go off the script used for the first few series, he falls apart like Jimmy Fallon trying to hold it together during even the mildest of jokes. Seriously, for the first few series of the Dallas-Jacksonville game, Bledsoe was masterful. But once he had to go away from the well-practiced opening script, he fell back on the three things that have always made him Drew Bledsoe: holding the ball too long, moving at the speed of a sleeping elephant, and throwing a clutch pick. Improv ain’t his bag, clearly.

We thought Trent Green was dead.
No joke. Cincy Bengal Robert Geathers nearly killed him and should be severely fined for clobbering a sliding Green, who was prone and unable to protect himself. Also, someone might want to tell KC to invest in a real backup QB, not a lookalike like Damon Huard. Of course, Herm Edward’s patented “play for the tie” strategy [as noted by footballguys.com writer and fellow scammer of Johnny Jet's NFL package Sigmund Bloom] doesn’t demand excellence, does it? Gonna be a long year in KC, even if Green’s okay.

Donovan McNabb haters forced to shove it. For a week, anyway.
He’ll never get his due as one of the top 5 QBs in the league. Is it racism or just the eternal skepticism of Philly fans? Methinks a little of column A, a little of column B. Either way, he fucked up Houston but good. On the other side of the ball, David Carr showed flashes of adequacy… until he took his first big hit. Then he was back to flipping out about pressure that wasn’t there, and his jitters sunk the Texans hard. He’s broken.

Jake Plummer plays chicken, lays egg.
The calls for rookie Jay Cutler to take over in Denver are probably pouring out of the Colorado watering holes as we speak. Plummer couldn’t wait to overthrow his receivers today, and a solid performance by the Broncos’ running game and defense against the new look Rams were wasted because of his Bledsoe-esque ineptitude.

Pennington shocks the world by throwing 10+ yards.
Who knew Chad Pennington wasn’t done? Certainly the Tennessee Titans looked suprised as he carved up their defense for over 300 yds passing. When we last saw Chad in a regular season game, it was week 1 last year, and he was fluttering footballs like they were papier mache and taking precisely one big hit before he was out for the year. Again. Will he take a team most people consider one of the worst in the league and make a surprise push for the playoffs? I doubt it. But he looks healed, and Jets fans like my pal Johnny found that reason enough to celebrate. Well, that and a week one win, anyway.

The exception: RB Frank Gore runs his ass off in a losing cause.
That guy will win a lot of fantasy league titles for smart drafters who selected him this year. The Niners were smart to dump Barlow and let Gore drag the 49ers into closer games than any team featuring Alex Smith has any right to play. The Cardinal defense is nothing to lose sleep over, but any time a guy drags 5 or 6 defenders a solid 5 yards into the end zone, you’re looking at a good back. When he also catches 8 passes, you’re probably looking at a franchise one.

So at the end of the afternoon, among many other things, Jets fans were probably happier than they should be as the Titans will easily be the worst team in the league, Cowboy fans got a wake-up call about the potential of any team featuring Drew Bledsoe and a crappy o-line, and the Ravens look ready to put a scare in the rest of the AFC now that they have a real QB in Steve McNair.

I’m looking ready to put a scare in some more Fritos next week.

UPDATE: Manning the middle still pwns Manning the youngest. And if Plaxico Burress hadn’t made one of the sickest catches of the day off a tipped ball in the end zone, it would’ve been even worse. The younger Manning has a knack for a big fumble or pick at the wrong time. Only time will tell if he shares his brother’s penchant for mewling during a playoff game.