PunkAssBlog.com

Haditha. Abu Ghraib. A massive civilian death toll.

We need to turn those frowns upside down, people, and the US military will pay $20 million dollars to whoever can put on the happiest face:

U.S. military leaders in Baghdad have put out for bid a two-year, $20 million public relations contract that calls for extensive monitoring of U.S. and Middle Eastern media in an effort to promote more positive coverage of news from Iraq.

The contract calls for assembling a database of selected news stories and assessing their tone as part of a program to provide “public relations products” that would improve coverage of the military command’s performance, according to a statement of work attached to the proposal.

The 21st century isn’t about being successful or good; it’s about Wolf Blitzer saying you are. Still, by offering such a princely sum to provide cover for their actions, the military’s explicit admission of this fact shows we’ve managed to reach a new low in a Mission Accomplished that’s full of them.

I can see the stories now:

Military leaves no cavity unsearched in quest for evildoers
“Today, the US sent a military search team into a teenage girl suspected of harboring terrorists in her womb. No evidence of terror was found inside the girl, and, unfortunately, her grandmother’s M-16 accidentally misfired, killing her and her entire family. The military would like to take this opportunity to remind Americans to always leave on the safety.”

Iraqi cabal of secrets destroyed
“All around the country, Iraqis were cheering the demise of a small village known as Haditha, which translates loosely to “Islamofascistville.” After it was discovered one person living in the village might know something about someone who may have built an IED, Iraqis staged massive protests against the village’s tacit endorsement of terrorism. US soldiers initially arrived as peacekeepers, but one of villager’s M-16 accidentally misfired, killing the entire village. The military would like to take this opportunity to remind Iraqis to tell the truth at all times because Allah works in mysterious ways and you never know when a stray bullet might puncture your lying artery.”

Soldiers and Iraqis enjoy mingling, party games
“Nation-building can be an exhausting enterprise for the occupied and occupiers alike. While tensions sometimes run high, Iraqis and US soldiers are finding creative ways to blow off some steam, and the result is spelled F-U-N. One place you’ll find citizens and soldiers unwinding is a small resort called Abu Ghraib, where visitors play games like headsack races and Human Pyramid. This singles hotspot gets rowdy after hours, often becoming clothing-optional. Look out, Club Med, you’ve got some competition in Iraq!”

US extends pre-emptive strike policy
“While Iraq was never a part of the attacks on 9/11, it was conceivable that Saddam Hussein could theoretically participate in such an attack sometime in the undetermined future. As a result, the US enabled regime change. Today, Secretary Rumsfeld announced that the 100,000 dead Iraqi civilians represented an extension of the same idea. ‘You can never tell who’ll be the next Saddam Hussein. Better safe than sorry,’ he said. The Secretary also noted that food shortages could be reduced with fewer future terrorists to feed and that mass sterilization was also under consideration as a means of easing the burdens on the Iraqi people. It should be noted that the vast majority of civilian deaths occurred when one of Saddam Hussein’s hidden M-16s was discovered and misfired. The military would like to take this opportunity to remind the rest of the world that their leaders may also have buried weapons that could misfire in the same way and kill all of them, too, if they aren’t careful.”