BUSH: The terrorists attacked us and killed 3,000 of our citizens before we started the freedom agenda in the Middle East.
QUESTION: What did Iraq have to do with it?
BUSH: What did Iraq have to do with what?
QUESTION: The attack on the World Trade Center.
BUSH: Nothing. Except it’s part of — and nobody has suggested in this administration that Saddam Hussein ordered the attack. Iraq was a — Iraq — the lesson of September 11th is take threats before they fully materialize, Ken. Nobody’s ever suggested that the attacks of September the 11th were ordered by Iraq.
Your first reaction was probably shock, possibly anger, and definitely dubiousness, I know.
But this is great news, folks. There can be only one explanation for the statement “nobody has suggested” Iraq’s involvement in 9/11: The Bush administration has invented time travel.
My fellow liberals complained about the military budget the last couple years, but it’s clear now they jumped the gun. The entire thing was a front for funding the greatest scientific undertaking in human history.
It doesn’t appear they’ve learned how to go forward yet, but backwards time travel gives us a permanent ‘do-over’ to remake the world however we feel the truth should be.
We lied about Saddam being involved in 9/11, but that started to make us look silly and now it never happened. How can this be a bad thing?
I look forward to unkilling all the Iraqi civilians, undestabilizing the entire Middle East, and maybe even unelecting the winners of the 2004 presidential election (especially now that we know it was fixed).
I also look forward to time travel’s application in my personal life.
“Hey darlin’, is that a mirror in your pocket? ‘Cause I see myself in your pants later tonight.”
[drink in face]
>>REWIND<<
“Wanna go halves on a baby?”
[drink in face]
>>REWIND<<
“I’ve got the F, the C, and the K. Now all I need is U.”
[totally get laid]
>>REWIND<<
[totally get laid again]
Bueno! Thanks, time travel.
The benefits don’t end with the sexy-sexy, either. If you’ve ever wanted to punch your boss in the kidneys, now you can. Sock ‘em till they pee blood then back up and pretend the whole thing never happened… because it didn’t!
We better be careful, though. If everyone gets access to time travel, we could get into a hand-on-the-bat scenario where we keep backing up to one-up each other. Before long we’ll wind up back in the dark ages stripped of all our rights and at the mercy of power-mad, conquest-obsessed kings. And that would stink.
I recommend only giving the powers to really witty people who think of comebacks all the time that would kill but think of them too late. That’s only like 5% of us, right?
[...] Bush may have invented time travel, but it appears Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is now omnipotent. [...]
[[Before long we’ll wind up back in the dark ages stripped of all our rights and at the mercy of power-mad, conquest-obsessed kings.]]
WILL wind up … ? Then what the hell is this going on right now?
Exactly.
[...] Oh, wait. Maybe James meant that it’s a miracle Bush managed to trick the American people into letting the Rethugs waltz in and spray the area. After all, even Bush admits now that Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. [...]
that’s 5% of you, Amanda
Time Travel may be facilitated by using The Hyperdimensional Oscillator.