George Bush needs help. He needs help explaining what he’s doing, how he’s doing it, and why he’s doing it. The country hates him and his wars, and only the craftiest political mind could construct a speech that had any hope of producing a superball-esque Bush Bounce.
Liberal Avenger brings us Diana West’s attempt in the Washington Times, which amounts to the blind leading those with their eyeballs on fire. I thought I might offer her some assistance in smoothing out the rough spots.
My fellow Americans.
I come to you now, gravely aware that what I am about to say will radically change the course of what we have, for nearly five long years now, called the war on terror.
But not ‘radically’ like Radical Islam, nosiryoureebob. The good kind of radical, like free radicals, whatever those are (hehhehheh). And we call it the war on terror, but we mean the war on anyone who looks like a terrorist. Racial profiling is okey-dokey as long as it’s done at the international level.
On my watch, the United States sent troops into Afghanistan to destroy the Taliban and drive al Qaeda from the safe haven it used to plan attacks on our country.
Oh, sure, originally the entire focus of my plan was to capture al Qaeda leaders like Osama bin Laden, not drive them from their safe haven. That was the whole reason we went into Afghanistan. Didn’t work. But now that we’ve shut down the CIA division that tracked them for the last decade, we’re sure to catch ‘em in no time.
On my watch, we sent troops into Iraq to topple Saddam Hussein and break this link in the terrorism food chain.
Granted, this link was hidden on the end of the chain and invisible, and also impossible to touch or feel, but you can breathe easy because it’s gone now. Except for that little thing where we’ve created a completely unstable country foaming at the mouth to get revenge on the US for meddlin’ a smidge. That’s kinda like the link in the chain that Saddam was, except you can see and feel this one. But wouldn’t you be more scared of the invisible, ghost-like link than the real one that’ll actually blow your patoot to smithereens one day? That’s what I thought.
On my watch, the United States spearheaded an ambitious drive to bring democracy to regions of the Middle and Near East as part of an effort to touch brutalized peoples with the salve of freedom and see them recover their free will, forever strengthened by what we in America prize as God-given rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
We also aided and abetted the obliteration of a democracy in the Middle East called Lebanon, but they were little peon types, not a big ol’ country like Iraq. And “democracy” has, like, a bunch of definitions. The one I like best is “government that stages fraudulent elections designed to entrench the power of my puppets.” Them’s good democracies!
I didn’t, as one predecessor of mine famously put it, simply want “to make the world safe for democracy.” I wanted to make the world — that part of the world from which terrorism mainly springs — democratic and therefore safe.
Because it’s important to follow the model of how democracy took root in the United States. The American monarchy could only be toppled by the invasion of the British, who forced us to accept our own sovereign democratic rule.
Over the past few years, then, the United States has supported fledgling democracies in Afghanistan,Iraq, and the Palestinian Authority.
Those who say we’ve hung them out to dry are way harsh, man. Not cool.
We have proudly assisted in making free and fair elections possible in these places, and with excellent results — at least with regard to the freeness and the fairness of the elections.
Never mind what the people say. This was just as free and fair as the Diebold-approved 2004 election right here in the US of A.
But the fact is, when these peoples have spoken, what we have heard, or should have been hearing, in the expression of their collective will is that the mechanics of democracy alone (one citizen, one vote) do not automatically manufacture democrats — if by democrats we mean citizens who believe first and foremost in the kind of liberty that guarantees freedom of conscience and equality before the law.
Freedom to choose means you have only one choice: our way. Otherwise, you clearly don’t know how to choose and so you should let us choose for you.
On the contrary, each of these new democracies has produced constitutions that enshrine Islamic law. Because Islamic law, known as “Shariah,” does not permit equality between the sexes or among religions, it is anything but what we in American consider “democratic.”
Neither is fundamentalist Christianity, which I’ve been cramming down your throats for two-times-three years (double math points, yeehaw!). We ain’t got it in the Constitution yet, but the gay marriage bans around the country are starting to get us closer. And who knows, maybe we’ll get rid of that damn women’s suffrage so Eves can better serve their Adams.
With their devotion to Islamic tradition, then, these new democracies have, in effect, peacefully voted themselves into the same doctrinal camp as the many terror groups that violently strike at the non-Muslim world in the name of jihad for the sake of a caliphate — a Muslim world government ruled according to Shariah.
[Actually, Diane, let's strike this whole section. The only words that aren't incorrectly applied are "then" and "a." Please stop smoking your mechanical pencils while you work. Thanks - the Wash Times editorial staff]
Rather than continuing to emphasize the democratization of the Muslim Middle East as our key tool in the war on terror, I will henceforth emphasize the prevention of Shariah from reaching the West as our key tool in the war on terror.
Even though I would love to see the Statue of Liberty fight it in, like, a giant duel to the death. No no, seriously folks, what I am advocating is open religious war especially within our own borders.
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Sadly, this was only part one of her speech idea. I look forward to part two, in which she advocates the promotion of peace by lobbing a few nukes at China to show them how big our stones are.