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Ever since achieving “slightly darker smoke via photoshop” fame, little green footballs has wasted time complaining and panicking about the most irrelevant media discrepancies.

Today, though, California state employee Mike Patterico really took picking nits to a new level of pointless hysteria. He’s obsessed with proving the use of the word “later” in one LA Times piece back in May was wrong.

I can barely stand to accept that there are people this unable to see the forest for the trees. I asked Bluey the Body Rights Thingamabob to come teach the wingnuts what’s important in simple terms they could understand, but this isn’t really his area of expertise. Instead, he sent his best friend to talk some sense into the world.

Say hello to Fixateur D. Perspective:

Fixateur:
Bonjour, bitches. It is I, the superhero Fixateur D. Perspective.
Kids:
Hi Fixie!!
Fixateur:
Do not call me that or I will spit on the graves of those you love the most. Comprenez-vous?

Kids:
Oui, merci!!
Fixateur:
Whatever. Today I am here to talk to you about what is important. But first I must ask a question. How many of you wretches have ever told a lie?
[a few hands go up]
I call the bullshit. Confess immédiatement, you lying mongrels!
[all the kids raise their hands]
Bien. Now, is telling a lie ever “okey-dokies?”
Kids:
Nooooo!!
Fixateur:
[rolls eyes] Obviously not. Despite all the suffering in the empty, meaningless abyss of life, what little joy we find is rooted in truth.
Kids:
Yaaaay!!
Fixateur:
But do you screeching enfants know what truth is important?
Kids:
[silence]
Fixateur:
Of course not. You are like blind monkeys tossing dookies and humping wall sockets. But I am the great Fixateur D. Perspective, and with the help of my invincible Perspo-Goggles, I will teach you to see.
Kids:
Yaaaay!!
Fixateur:
Shut up! This is not the playtimes. This is serious time. We must look for the important truth, and this means we must not become distracted by lesser lies. For while all lies are pus sores on the face of truth, some are the little white kind and some are the blackheads which cause you to throw yourself off a bridge in shame.
Kids:
*gasp*
Fixateur: Tranquillité. Let’s begin our lesson with the first photo:

This photo has been altered. In other words, it contains lies.
Kids:
*gasp*
Fixateur:
Now, if there were no smoke in the real picture, would that be important?
Kids:
Yes, Fixie!!
Fixateur:
No shitting, Watsons. It would mean there was no bombing. But what if the smoke was darkened, and some was added to the top of the photo? Would that make the soul of the picture a disgusting lie?
Kids:
Nooooo!!
Fixateur:
You bitches must eat less suger. Yes, yes, it’s a lie, and lies are never okay, but this lie doesn’t impact the basic truth of the picture. Can your tiny little minds grasp this?
Kids:
Yes, Fixie!!
Fixateur:
Then you are not morons. Here is the second photo:

If this car and the bomb damage had been staged, would this be important?
Kids:
Yes, Fixie!!
Fixateur:
Why are you so excited about such obvious truths? Yes, it would mean the picture is a lie. Now, what if that sign was placed on that car by someone before this picture was taken. Would that make this picture a lie?
Kids:
Nooooo!!
Fixateur:
Your shrieking is like knives into my mind. Anyway, the basic truth of this picture is unaltered by the placement of a sign, especially when the photo captions do not contradict this possibility. For this next test, though, I’m not going to use pictures. I’m going to use words.
[the kids groan]
Ingrates. Now, say that a congressman is accusing a group of men of murder, and that these men did in fact commit murder. If I told you the congressman had a meeting with the bosses of the murderers first, would that matter?
Kids:
Nooooo!!
Fixateur:
So if that turned out not to be true, would that make the men innocent of murder?
Kids:
Only a moron would get caught up in something this irrelevant!!
Fixateur:
Oui. Better. But there is one final test. If the Médias Traditionnels made the above lies, would this be less important, equally important, or more important than the following lies:

They wrote matter-of-factly of Washington’s plans for a confrontation “over Iraq’s banned weapons programs” (Washington Post, 1/27/03). And they referred to debates over whether Saddam Hussein was “making a good-faith effort to disarm Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction” (Time, 2/3/03).
[...]
Over on Fox News Channel (3/23/03), the headline banners were already rolling: “HUGE CHEMICAL WEAPONS FACTORY FOUND IN SO IRAQ…. REPORTS: 30 IRAQIS SURRENDER AT CHEM WEAPONS PLANT…. COAL TROOPS HOLDING IRAQI IN CHARGE OF CHEM WEAPONS.” The Jerusalem Post, whose embedded reporter helped break the story along with a Fox correspondent, announced in a front-page headline (3/24/03), “U.S. Troops Capture First Chemical Plant.”
[...]
On April 26, ABC World News Tonight blared an “exclusive” report: “U.S. troops discover chemical agents, missiles and what could be a mobile laboratory in Iraq.”
[...]
On April 11, a Fox News report, still posted to the network’s website as late as July, announced: “Weapons-Grade Plutonium Possibly Found at Iraqi Nuke Complex.” Sourced to an embedded reporter from the right-wing Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, the story was soon debunked by U.S. officials (AP, 4/15/03).

Kids:
Less important!! Way less important!! Not remotely in the same damn league!!
Fixateur:
You suck much less than I thought. As you can tell, these lies are far more egregious, for they enabled dirty-dog America to go to the wars and kill tens of thousands of innocent civilians in the process.
Kids:
Booooo!!
Fixateur:
Absolument. Due to your powers of proper perspective, I name all of you smarter than even the smartest conservative merde-face.
Kids:
Yaaaay!!
Fixateur:
Do not flatter yourselves. A sloth with a head wound passed the test I just gave you.

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 17th, 2006 at 9:02 pm and is filed under Media hackery, Wingnuts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.