WASHINGTON, DC — While the Bush administration continues to take heat for the failures of its crown jewel addition to American bureaucracy, the Department of Homeland Security, a lesser known cabinet addition has been raking in the accomplishments and achievements.
The Department of Self-Fulfilling Prophecies, created shortly after 9/11, was charged with a simple mission: make sure the threats we face are real.
“People don’t understand this, but George Bush is so ahead of his time that he’s fighting enemies before they exist,” said the department’s director, Mr. Mxyzptlk. “Like all employees, it’s our job to suggest policies that meet our leader’s visions. In this case, though, it just so happens his visions are literally visions. So we work to make his dreams come true.”
Little publicity surrounded the creation of the DSFP in 2001 due to the initial internal ridicule it faced. Members of the President’s inner circle scoffed at the idea they needed any help remaking the world in George Bush’s image. However, a critical conversation in 2002 would change many a mind on the value of the fledgling department.
“We’d wiped out the Taliban a little too easily,” boasted Afghanistan operations director Robot Santa. “And dumb ol’ bin Laden couldn’t go more than a few days without getting caught. We were worried someone would eventually find out we had him one of those times and the jig would be up.”
Middle Eastern policy advisor Bob Terwilliger agreed. “There was great dismay over the prospect of losing momentum in the fight on terror. Certainly, a lack of terrorists would be devastating. Then somebody in the room said, simply, ‘Iraq.’”
The first round of discussions centered on a limited nuclear strike, based on the assumption that such a bold, unprovoked attack would send the entire Middle East region up in arms.
“It was nukes, nukes, nukes, nukes, all around the table,” said DSFP meeting stenographer Doctor Claw, “until Mr. Mxyzptlk banged his wee fist on the table saying, and I quote, ‘gentlemen, nukes scare the hell out of people. We want Muslims to rise up against us, not poop their pants. Only a bumbling ground offensive can take us to the promised land.’”
Mxyzptlk outlined the value of a tepid ground war. He argued that person-to-person combat makes civilian casualties feel more personal, and an extended occupation would create longer-lasting hatred of America. “But I stressed we couldn’t be too successful, or they’d think we were unbeatable,” recalled Mxyzptlk. “That was the part that took the most convincing.”
A tentative agreement was struck to follow the DSFP’s recommendations, and shortly thereafter, The US invaded Iraq. Clearly, the results speak for themselves.
“I couldn’t have hated America this much any other way,” said a recently-certified terrorist who asked not to be identified. “This invasion pisses me off worse than anything ever of all time for eternity, but also gives me hope that you infidel dogs have your heads so far up your asses that we can beat you. It’s a win-win.”
The department also wanted to make sure fear at home remained high, in case they ever needed to be scared of the terrorism threats the administration was trying to gin up in the future. To help, the DSFP enlisted the aid of networks like Fox News and national icons like Pat Robertson to spread the world. And it seems to be working even better than expected.
Yesterday, the AP reported that “59-year-old woman was from Vermont and became so claustrophobic and upset that she needed to be restrained. The FBI in Boston said the woman, a U.S. citizen, was arrested on charges of interfering with a flight crew.”
It seems the fear of terrorism became so overwhleming for one woman that she became a terrorist suspect herself. She was heard mumbling about Pakistand, and her flight was diverted and escorted to the ground by F-15s, further increasing fears of everyone on board and everyone who heard about the story.
“I’ll be honest,” admitted the head of domestic operations, Cruela DeVil, “this beautiful cycle came as a bit of a surprise to us. We knew fear tactics would make people scared, but we didn’t know they’d drive people bonkers, in turn making them act like terrorists, which increases the fear factor and presents the image of more threats. Sometimes we’re almost too good at our job.”
So what’s next for the Department of Self-Fulfilling Prophesies? Mr. Mxyzptlk suggested the toughest road lies ahead.
“Someone gave the President a bunch of Lovecraft books. Now he’s starting to believe in Cthulhu, and we’re working around the clock to bring about the arrival of Zoth-Ommog and Nyarlathotep. Fortunately, I come from another dimension and have many powers. As long as I stay focused, I believe we can succeed even in this endeavor. I just need to remember not to get sent back to my home dimension by saying ‘Kltpzyxm.’ Oh, s-”
With that, Mr. Mxyzptlk was gone. But the legacy of the Department of Self-Fulfilling Prophecies has only just begun.
Well, this explains why they give awards to people who fuck up and dismiss people who do a good job in Iraq.