Lips and Assholes Revolution
Published by punkass marc August 16th, 2006 in Health, We EatWhether it be the meat or vegetarian kind, many of us have had a hot dog at some point in our lives. Sure, we’ve boiled or grilled them on occasion, but if we need to save time, we go for the zapper.
When microwaving a hot dog, I would wager your process goes something like this:
1) Remove hot dog from packaging
2) Microwave hot dog for 30 seconds
3) Remove bun from packaging
4) Place dog in bun
5) Add condiments
6) Scarf
Maybe you’ve taken to storing your buns in the freezer, which radically modifies the experience thusly:
1) Remove hot dog from packaging
2) Microwave hot dog for 30 seconds
3) Remove bun from packaging
4) Heat bun for 10 seconds
5) Place dog in bun
6) Add condiments
7) Scarf
This is an exceedingly detailed account of the process. Short of mentioning you should continue to breathe during the process, there is almost nothing I can add.
Based on the steps above, a single hot dog takes, at worst, about 45 seconds to prepare. Apparently, though, the people at Kraft consider that way too much time wasted in our workaday world, because now they’re bringing you Fast Franks.
Yes, folks, if you look carefully, that would be a hot dog and bun prepackaged together. I’d like to claim I made up their press release, but I can’t. This is actually what they had to say:
It’s mouthwatering to imagine — a tasty, hot and juicy Oscar Mayer hot dog wrapped inside a soft and warm bakery-fresh bun. And now imagine only having to wait thirty-five seconds for that first delicious bite.
35 seconds. That’s the selling point.
As my scientifically advanced research noted earlier, even if the bun is frozen, you’re looking at a max of 10 seconds saved in the worst of all possible scenarios.
Has American life gotten this bad? Have we lost so much of our day to work, family, friends, and binge drinking that this 10 seconds means you’ll pay the price of 8 naked weiners for 3 prepackaged bun/dog combos? Or are we so lazy that the thought of opening the hot dog packaging and the bun packaging sends us into fits of groaning despair?
Perhaps Kraft has concluded we waste a lot of time screwing up during hot dog preparation. Maybe scores of people waste countless hours trying to remember how to insert a hot dog into the bun. I can’t say I recall seeing any instructions on how to do this on either my bun or my hot dog packaging; maybe neither industry could agree on who is responsible for teaching the children of today how to efficiently preside over the holy blessed union of the frank and the bun.
Taking that a step farther, maybe Kraft feels the bun industry’s been riding their coattails. When you think about it, why should these breadmakers be scamming money off the hot dog industry? Without any dogs, there’d be no need for buns, but do you see those fatcat bakers handing over any profits to the hardworking suits at Kraft? Nein. So perhaps Kraft is muscling those doughboys out of the game by producing their own buns and blocking bakery access to the hot dog by already enveloping them in Kraft-approved bread products.
Or maybe they think this Fast Frank will simply taste better:
The great taste and convenience of hot dogs in a bun come together with Oscar Mayer Fast Franks. Each individually wrapped Oscar Mayer Fast Frank tastes great thanks to a specially designed microwavable paper tray that heats the bun just right — so it’s soft and warm right out of the microwave.
Sorry, I’m not buying it. I bet they put a lot of R&D resources into that specially designed microwavable paper tray, but even the savviest paper-based technology can’t prevent the zapper from destroying any and all freshness qualities of bread products. It’s just its nature.
Short of selling cereal and milk in a bowl or a pre-microwaved microwave pizza, I’m not sure how much more ridiculous it gets than hot dogs and buns bundled together to save you 10 seconds of prep time.
Fast Franks embody everything ugly about American eating habits. They are superfluous, entirely preprocessed, barely nutritious, and certainly overpriced. If this product succeeds, we have all failed.
48 Responses to “Lips and Assholes Revolution”
- 1 Pingback on Oct 2nd, 2006 at 11:47 am
The other day, one of my co-workers had a a mustard and mayo sandwich for lunch. It left me dumbfounded.
It’s an education issue. A lot of Americans (think: Goldstein’s audience) probably get confused about where you put the hot dog in the bun.
I wouldn’t rush to blame America for this, it reminds me of something I read yesterday about something that was spotted in a supermarket in Melbourne, bubble and squeak.
Damn, I meant to say frozen bubble & squeak.
Dude, if you’re not going to grill it, why even bother?
It’s an education issue. A lot of Americans (think: Goldstein’s audience) probably get confused about where you put the hot dog in the bun.
Well, their confusion is understandable. They see a four-inch long, three-quarter-inch thick meat cylinder in front of them, and they naturally wait for Goldstein to come by and slap their faces wiith it.
after all the time I’ve spent putting a bun between two meat patties for my Burghammer, these things look like the best thing since sliced bread
I don’t understand where the scarf comes in? you mean, wrap the hot dog and bun in the scarf, -then- eat? or eat whilst wearing a scarf? but, why?
…heh, reminds me of how much I love the instructions on the little packet of whatever the fuck it is that comes in new handbags. little pellets of somedamnthing or another, meant to keep the thing fresh. instructions: Do Not Eat
I saw a worse one: Campbell’s tomato soup with the cup of water pre-added to the can. And it cost more than a regular can of Campbell’s tomato soup. That’s right; you pay more for the privilege of having the water already offered to you.
Um, I’m sorry, they expect me to heat it? Do I look like fucking Bobby Flay?
Purveyors of baked goods have fought back with the ingenious “Pigs in a Blanket”. Take that, Kraft Foods!
Favorite line of the press release:
By leveraging proprietary dough technology, Oscar Mayer Fast Franks have made hot dogs easier to enjoy than ever before.
Leveraging proprietary dough technology.
Brilliant.
I don’t know, I think these things are far worse — frozen crustless PB&J sandwiches. Smuckers claims that they have made one of life’s simple pleasures even simpler. I’m not sure why they think thawing out a frozen crustless peanut butter and jelly sandwich for 30-60 minutes at room temperature is simpler than just making a fucking PB&J sandwich the good old-fashioned way. Not to mention that their “even simpler” version looks simply disgusting to me.
Dang, rr, you aren’t kidding. Those things seem truly awful.
In all seriousness, the reason they do this is that people don’t want to have to buy separate packages of buns and dogs.
This new product comes three to a pack. If I only wanted three dogs, I could see buying them. Extra hot dogs can be thrown into the freezer, but I don’t think buns freeze well.
Want to bet 3 hot dogs this way costs more than two packages of dogs and buns?
There are lots of products like this that sell themselves as convenient but aren’t really any simpler than making them from scratch. I mean, how is using a cake mix all that different than actually making a cake? You have maybe 4 added in motions. There also exists FROZEN TOAST. Do you know how you prepare it? BY TOASTING IT. I simply cannot think of anything dumber, this hot dog product included.
moriarty: Bread products freeze brilliantly. I usually have some hamburger buns in the freezer, and they thaw/toast very well.
Now, if someone would get to work on the mismatched numbers of dogs and buns, they might be onto something.
I blame gay marriage! It’s because of same-sex couples getting hitched that we’ve got cats and dogs living together and hot man-on-box turtle action and ordinary Jeebus-fearing Americans not knowing how to put a hotdog into a bun!
I’ve always bought hot dogs and buns in packs of eight. I’ve never seen them offered any other way. I thought the mistmatched numbers thing was a TV myth, like women giving birth in elevators.
No!?! Surely not!
I was going to mention pre-cracked and beaten eggs in a bottle, but yours wins the prize.
Well that’s just fucking great. Thanks, Kraft, for making it impossible for me to say “that is the most disgusting way to have a hot dog ever” the next time me and the significant other discuss fried hot dogs.
“Bread products freeze brilliantly. I usually have some hamburger buns in the freezer, and they thaw/toast very well.”
Actually, now that you mention it, I have frozen homemade bread before.
I still say it’s not that outrageous a product, or at least not for the same reasons others do. I would never buy Oscar Meyer dogs to begin with, and would never microwave a hot dog. For me, the line was crossed a while ago.
fried hot dogs.
Wow. I generally refrain from meat products, though I sometimes have a hankering for chicken, and fish is technically meat (YOU CAN PRY MY TUNA FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!!!). That said, fried hot dogs scares me in a way no other meat product ever has. Something unnatural and perverse about it.
Jack, in the trailer park I was raised in, we fried everything…
BTW, is this where the cool people hang?
Fried hot dogs? Is there batter involved?
…Not that I think that sounds kind of appealing, or anything.
I get the purpose of cake mix. Some people don’t keep general baking ingredients around, for one reason or another. As a college student still confined to dorms, I don’t have any storage space for ingredients where they won’t get stolen by hungry dormmates, but the 3 or so necessary dishes to make something from a mix I can get.
This though, this is just idiotic. No wonder Americans don’t believe in evolution. We can’t comprehend the idea of being at the farthest point of development because we’re so damned stupid.
No batter. Just cut a hot dog in half and fry it. If we battered it first that would imply deep fried hot dogs, which is not a phrase I will ever utter out loud infront of the people who like fried hot dogs.
Ok, that’s a little less frightening.
Actually, wouldn’t a deep fried hot dog just be a corn dog? Who doesn’t like corn dogs?
You’re right, junk science. I had totally forgotten about corn dogs. I never really liked corn dogs. I’m OK with the coating, but there is something about wrapping a hot dog in batter or pastry and baking or frying it make the hot dog taste odd. Like, odder than hot dogs normally taste.
At least it’s not a deep-fried candy bar. I don’t think I’ll ever understand that.
Deep fried oreo cookie? Which blog was it where we talked about deep frying things and struggled to come up with a single food item that hasn’t been battered and deep fried somewhere at sometime?
Ok, here’s what I envisioned. A batter-dipped hot dog fried…while it’s in the bun. A corn-dog is okay. The bun got me.
Blasphemer! Corn dogs are one of those “nectar of the Gods” things… On the other hand, I’m a southerner, and we’ll anything that’s been deepfried in corn batter.
I think Kraft is missing the true selling point. It’s not the “saving 10 seconds” part, it’s the “finally having an even Goddamn number of buns and dogs!” part.
Frankly (ha!) I think you all are missing the biggest point. That package up there quite clearly shows a hot dog smothered in ketchup AND mustard. Nowhere is this seen on the actual dog inside the package. So basically, in order to eat the lips and assholes, I still have to go to the refrigerator and open two, TWO bottles and squeeze said ketchup and mustard onto the thing. I haven’t even gotten to the relish!!!
Yeah, I get cake mix. Every so often you want a quasi-homemade cake; just not often enough to have bigass jars of flour and sugar sitting around alla time.
I can see the appeal of deep fried mars bars: as a dessert with ice cream it’s no stranger than a fruit fritter.
Huh, I guess I’m the only person who fries hot dogs.
For the record, I shallow fry them in vegetable oil.
I dunno, i just think they taste too mushy if you boil them, and I don’t have a way to grill them convieniently. Plus, if you fry ‘em, you can throw some chopped onions in the pan and have a tasty topping without an extra step.
I fry them in a pan without anything else. Or on the George Foreman. I hate boiled hot dogs.
Oh, definitely no Oscar Meyer dogs. Sahlens, baby, Sahlens all the way. (And now Chris Clarke knows where I come from!)
Kyso — there was an episode of “Ham on the Street” where the host battered & deep-fried all kinds of stuff… including Oreos (and Mac & Cheese).
It doesn’t look like anything went into the fryer during the hot dog episode, though…
I never eat hot dogs. I did when I was little, and it was always boiled.
raging red: I’ve known day camps and the like to buy Uncrustables. You can feed a lot of picky kids without any individual preparation necessary. Lazy? Sure. But on the other hand, the prewrapped element has an advantage in our intensely germ-phobic society. You can unwrap them and eat, and you don’t need any utensils or condiments or anything. (I still think they’re stupid.)
On the other hand, there’s no reasonable argument behind these hot dogs. You need a refrigerator to store them, a microwave to heat them, and stuff to put on them. So you pretty much have to be in the same environment in which it’s easy to make your own damn hot dogs. And it’s less easy to make them in quantity, to boot.
I don’t eat meat myself, but when I did the obvious answer to the bun/dog mismatch was to get the wieners individually at a meat counter or deli or butcher or whatever. The bonus is that you get to actually eat decent hot dogs instead of Oscar Mayer Wieners.
Mm..deep fried mushrooms. I bring them up for no reason. It’s also cheaper to make your own damn hot dogs, and if you use regular slices of bread as buns, well, you just saved yourself the mixmatched buns and dogs problem!
My parents used to give me bread instead of hot dog buns because they hated me.
Yum. I suggest you try one before knocking it. It’s not the simplicity that is the major key here. It’s the wicked good taste. No better way for the whole family to enjoy their lips and assholes!!!
Hot Carl