Hi, Tucker Carlson. Punkassychiatrist Marc here.
I know you’ve spent your life hiding something from yourself. It’s the main reason lots of people become become so violently anti-rational about social issues. But I’ve put the pieces together, and I know your secret.
It’s time to stop pretending. Really, this sort of thing is no big deal. I know you’ll take some heat from your former friends on the right, but think of how much sweeter life will be when you can finally unclench what must be the tightest butthole in all the world. In fact, depending on your preferences, this might be crucial to enjoying your new life.
My Raymond-Burr-esque sleuthatorial trail-o-thon uncovered your true self at BattlePanda, where Angelica noted:
Tucker Carlson was roundly excoriated on the left for pointing out, as positives, that they sold condoms in his hotel in Lebanon and that they had gay bars.
Tucker, you were in Beirut, where news stories were everywhere. But instead of covering any bombed-out sites, it seems as though you couldn’t take your eyes off the gay bars. And the condoms.
Someone who actually looked around Beirut might’ve had a few more talking points beyond those two things. What on Earth could’ve had you so distracted?
For the repressed soul, a foreign country + gay bar + condoms available on your way back to your hotel room = dream come true. Or perhaps it equals agonizing torture when you’re a journalist, to be so close to setting yourself free — if not for those damn cameras following you around everywhere.
But imagine if, during your upcoming season on “Dancing with the Stars,” instead of partnering with the lovely Vivica A. Fox, you were able to choose Joey Lawrence or that scrumdilliumptuous Harry Hamlin? Instead of an uptight waltz, you might feel more like dancing this way:
And then maybe you would shut the fuck up.
His partner needs to be Jon Stewart. No questions asked, just all Fucker Carlson and Jon Stewart, all the time. I will cheer and bring popcorn. (Jon Stewart won’t mind. He’s all about teh funny.)
Hopefully the gay clubs in Lebanon keep the lights low.
He needs to make sure to wear a bowtie.