Congratulations! You’re our ten-billionth confused customer!
Published by punkass marc August 9th, 2006 in Feminism, Mutterings Of The DisturbedHi everyone,
I just want to congratulate Amanda Sposato from Associated Content for becoming the 10 billionth customer of Misunderstanding Feminism, Inc.! When my great-grandfather started this company back in 1901, he knew that, with a little hard work and determination, we could successfully confuse the entire world about feminism.
Most of you reading this blog haven’t received my materials because I know that once they fall into your hands, you’ll probably want to “do something” about it. Fortunately, sites like punkassblog, Feministe, Pandagon, Feministing, I Blame the Patriarchy, and others have shown me readers and writers to avoid.
But today we’ve officially gotten so popular that I can reveal our sinister plans for spreading misinformation to the world.
You might be wondering, “Golly, mister, what kinds of ideas do you perpetuate?” Come here and sit on my lap and I’ll show you. Even better, I’ll let Mrs. Sposato do it for me while I fondle you inappropriately:
Sure, I’m grateful I can have a job, vote, and run for public office if I wanted to. I don’t take those liberties lightly. But I’m also grateful for the fact that I can have a baby if I want to, or be a stay at home mom, or make my boyfriend, someday husband, a great meal. I’m completely fine with paying for my own movie, bringing home a paycheck, and paying my own bills. I’m also fine with the man taking me out, contributing to the house fund, and buying me a nice piece of jewelry every once in awhile.
From what I’ve seen, feminism has begun to turn into nothing more than tyrannical womanhood. Why give up that part of us which made us a woman in the first place? Why not enjoy a man’s attention, his touch, or his offer to be a man? I’m a feminist in my own mind. I hold a job, work to make myself better, and wouldn’t want less pay than a man for the same job. But being a feminist doesn’t mean I have to stop being feminine. Men should feel free to pamper me, hold the car door open for me, and ask me if they can buy me dinner. It’s that little bit of manliness thrown my way that reminds me of the true and natural power I have as a figure born with breasts.
It isn’t easy to confuse 10 billion people, but through my 5-step package available on DVD and Laserdisc, I teach people the following:
1) Feminism hates female bodies.
If feminists liked boobs so much, why wouldn’t they get the kinds of ridiculous implants I see when the porn fairy brings me presents and a clean-up towel? Got you there, didn’t I? Yes, boobs have the “natural power” to have manliness “thrown at you,” but if you really respected that capability, you would want to augment it with 46DDD POWER.
Also, if feminists loved female bodies, they would try to turn them all into Calista Flockhart’s. I mean, she had Harrison Ford’s manliness thrown at her; what feminist wouldn’t want to be the one to tame the dashing rogue responsible for Han Solo and Indiana Jones, hmm?
2) Feminism hates happiness
Do feminists seem happy to you? Of course, it’s hard to be happy when the grass is perpetually greener. Feminists constantly bitch about what they don’t have — contraception, choice, fewer black eyes, whatever. Feminism is officially obsessed with that junk. And that makes them pro-grumpy.
3) Feminism hates Christmas
The feminists would have you believe men aren’t ever supposed to buy women anything nice or lavish them with diamond-studded luxury anymore. They say this generosity would be a way for men to buy your subservience, but come on. We know they’re just anti-happiness, and that includes being anti-gift. And if someone is anti-gift, how, then, would they expect a couple to celebrate the most wonderful time of the year? A man can only wrap up his testicles and hand them over once.
4) Feminism hates Jesus
Can’t love Jesus if you don’t love Christmas. I’m just saying.
5) Movements against oppression and prejudice aren’t just seeking to provide balance. They want to destroy The Force.
I thought this one would be the most trouble, so I saved it for last.
Feminists would have you believe that the reason they are so vocal about challenging assumptions like “women want to get pregnant someday” is because they are working to make them _not_ assumptions.
For example, Mrs. Sposato opens her article by criticizing a woman for being angry that her boss assumed she cared about maternity leave policy. Despite being our 10 billionth customer, Mrs. Sposato already has my misinformation down pat:
Apparently, the man’s mistake had been in assuming that she’d ever want children in the first place, and that it was highly sexist of him to assume that just because she was female that she was automatically required to understand how the company could help her were she to decide to ever carry a child. My own sarcastic nature, a bit outraged, decided that it would be great if she took that to court. Not only would it make her feel justified, but then all the poor women in the workforce who actually did want children at some point could be left completely in the dark when it came to their own employer’s pregnancy leave polices. Feminism at its ignorant best.
Yes, Mrs. Sposato, that’s right. Don’t let the feminists tell you that a boss should let a woman _ask_ about maternity policies if she is interested. Even better, I like that you imply a woman would be either too helpless or too stupid to ask about them. She must be spoon-fed them by her masculine supervisor for her own good.
If you’ll allow me, I’m going to put on my feminist hat and talk their talk:
“If an assumption is ingrained or institutionalized in our culture, it doesn’t need protection from oppression — nor does it need those who would prefer _not_ to have the assumption applied to them offering constant reminders that they are not trying to eradicate from the earth all options stemming from the status quo assumption. To say this more simply, you should assume that any fair/legitimate life options currently protected by the status quo are also protected by feminism. They just don’t need our help or attention.
“For example, feminism is not about taking away the choice to have children or to learn about maternity leave options. Feminism is about teaching the world that any woman may be just as likely to choose never to get pregnant as to choose to get pregnant. This means she should be the one to inquire about maternity leave if she is interested, or at least be presented with a question like “Are you interested in our maternity leave plan?” Because just launching into it implies you see her as a baby machine by default, and that can be a tad insensitive. So we fight against this without reminding everyone that opting to have a kid is also okay because it’s functionally impossible to take that choice away. Also, I love Hitler!”
Okay, I added that last part in, but you know they’re all thinking it.
Anyway, I worried I would never be able to convince people that the above line of thinking was a lie, because it sounds so true. But it turns out I barely have to do any work at all. It appears tons of people who like anything considered a part of the mainstream are prepared to line up and denounce feminism for trying to take it away from them.
Whether it’s having children, waiting for sex until marriage, getting married, or being given a present, scores of morons customers come to me already terrified of feminism trying to steal it from them. And it’s my job to make sure they never realize THAT FEAR IS TOTAL FUCKING BULLSHIT.
Chivalrously Yours,
Joe Francis McBigot IV
29 Responses to “Congratulations! You’re our ten-billionth confused customer!”
- 1 Pingback on Aug 10th, 2006 at 1:23 pm
- 2 Pingback on Dec 7th, 2006 at 4:04 pm
Swoon.
Why not enjoy a man’s attention, his touch, or his offer to be a man?
Does “be a man” mean “have an erection”? Because she could have just said that.
I want a feminist hat.
I think my boobs are broken. I keep flinging them around and they keep not granting me super powers. Should I be pointing them at some kind of satilite like recievers or something?
You have to have some manliness thrown on them first, Kyso.
I see. I’m going to have a hard time convincing my fiance to help me out here if the end result will be a mysterious boob-power that will make him a door-opening diamond-purchasing slave to my feminine wiles. Damn these eglitarian relationships and their lack of baubles!
She was reasonable (but misinformed about feminism) right up until she whipped out the “special womanly power” canard. The concept that women wield a special power over men via their sexy femininity is an unpolished turd retrieved straight from the reasoning of Victorian misogynists. There’s nothing inherently wrong with using sexuality to get what you want (although I personally find it distasteful) but that “special power” is designed to justify removing actual power from women. You don’t need to vote, dear. You can influence your husband to vote in the right way.
It’s a very common element of “choice” feminism, often mixed with the rhetoric of sex-positive feminists, but it’s thoroughly Victorian.
Why not enjoy a man’s attention, his touch, or his offer to be a man?
“I’m not a man now, dear, but I can grow a penis by flipping this switch on the back of my head.”
“No? Are you sure? Well, all right, but the offer stands if you change your mind.”
Hehe, I want a hat too, JackGoff.
And I think Ms Sposato is, indeed, confused.
You people make me giggle.
Really? My boobs give me magic powers? Is being sexually harassed a super power? Or back pain? Or having to spend $60 on a bra? I have crappy super powers man.
Or having to spend $60 on a bra
I bought three bras for my girlfriend and I ended up shelling out $115. A travesty, I must say. But worth it also, so I shouldn’t be complaining. It just sucks for women to have to deal with this bullshit.
I love this post so much.
First of all, because that would destroy my plans for a matriarchal lesbian island, that’s why. Second of all, I’m thinking, I’m thinking, I’m thinking very hard, but–no, can’t say as I recollect ever having a man offer to be a man to me, and I’d look at him like he was stupid if he did, besides.
“Let me be a man to you.”
“Huh?”
“Let me be a MAN to you.”
“What are you even talking about?”
And no one else’s.
Maybe all *your* boobs are malfunctioning, but mine totally have super powers. Not only do they grant wishes, but also they can leap tall buildings in a single bound and turn lead into gold. Oh, and if you stare directly into my nipples you will be hypnotized into thinking you are a monkey. My boobs can walk on water and swim on land (credit to king missile). They can slice, dice and give you healthier, shinier hair.
However… they will not accept your offer to be a man unless you are offering it at a low low price of only 19.99 a month, with at least a two year warrantee. Then, they will consider it (especially if it comes with a cheese grater).
She was born with breasts?
Feminism hates Jesus
Can’t love Jesus if you don’t love Christmas. I’m just saying.
Ha ha ha … Ya know, there are actually people who think this way! Funny — they must not have heard of the Puritans!
*
And speaking of the bra — now there is a product in need of better design: my mom is very, er, well-endowed, and has to wear special bras. Now these special bras, which supposedly give her extra support, are so fragile they cannot be washed in a machine but must be hand-washed? … it confuses me greatly: shouldn’t a bra designed to deal with an ample bosum be sturdy enough to wash in a machine?
LOL, that was great and to the point exactly. ps: i want a hat to.
i know you’re a feminist, and it wouldn’t be legal in 98% of the states, but will you marry me?
Are men not allowed to marry women now, either?
This liberal war on marriage is really getting out of hand.
First of all, because that would destroy my plans for a matriarchal lesbian island, that’s why.
I’m very good at waving palm fronds.
Just sayin’.
Miss Kendra, I think our marriage would be technically legal, seeing as how it would be the holy blessed jesus union of man and woman. But that probably takes all the fun out of it, huh?
Maybe miss kendra is saying it’s not legal for her to marry feminists in 98% of the states.
Now, my name is ALSO Amanda Sposato. And, like my predecessor, I am a sometime writer and column contributor. However, this older, and seemingly unwiser, lady needs to find another hobby as her constant unnuanced assaults on what she finds to be heavily patriarchical generation y issues are unwarranted, unfunny, and, quite frankly, unwelcome.
Ms. (Mrs.?) Sposato, you can’t both praise and ridicule a concept at the same time. That has been left to Oscar Wilde. Much the same as, to use familiar concepts, cooking dinner while having sex doesn’t work: you need specificity and conviction.
I appreciate your current view of american-brand feminism as misconstrued and a tad backwards, but I really think that you just want to put yourself out there as a woman impressed by self-labeling while feeling the need to
a) justify your longing to be a housewife
b) show everyone that ever told you you’d never get the chance to be a housewife, that you, indeed, will.
Congratulations on your forthcoming marriage (perhaps) and leave the writing to those of us that are actually out living the experience.
HA! I’m so glad I found this. It cracks me up that so many people take one opinion and freak out about it. But hey, whatever does it for you. For the record, it would be Miss Sposato, I will never be a housewife, and since the last post is a few months old, I’m hoping everyone has found a life since then.
Come on, give yourself some credit. You’re hideously amusing.
I did give myself credit actually. Who would have thought that that article (one of the first I wrote) would actually be noticed? At any rate, I don’t take offense. An opinion is an opinion. I do think the fact that I was about to be ripped apart should have been brought to my attention in the first place, but then it would have been a pissing contest. And no one really wants to get pissed on, now, do they….
Yes, boobs have the “natural power” to have manliness “thrown at you,”
is she talking about bukkake here?
Or the whole bobbit incident?
can anyone come up with a way in which “manliness” is “thrown” which doesn’t involve me being squiked?
It cracks me up that so many people take one opinion and freak out about it.
Good to see Kos’ clone has finally grown to the ripe old age of 12.