Clearly, the left blogosphere has been annointed the moral police of the world. In case you hadn’t noticed, everyone on the Right gets incensed whenever we fail to erupt in outrage over whatever’s got their momentary goat. This can only mean one thing: they need our moral validation.
It’s mighty big of wingnuttery to just hand over the needle of the moral compass to us Western-facing souls, and we ought to handle our job with care. Certainly, we have demonstrated we’re much better equipped than they are to point out immoral behavior, but it seems they expect us to be everywhere condemning everything at once. If we’re condemning Mel Gibson, we’re failing to condemn some mass murderer. If we’re condemning Michelle Malkin, we’re under-condemning Deb Frisch. If we’re condemning Bush for his lies, we’re excusing Reuters for felonious smoke enhancements.
Whew. This condemnation work is exhausting.
I understand that the Right can work themselves into a panic when we forget to guide them on an issue. They screech and flail their arms like a baby facing option paralysis, unable to make up its mind in the face of confusing and overwhelming information. For example, when Dennis Prager hears about a man shooting up the Seattle Jewish Federation, he can’t believe we wouldn’t be up in arms over it.
Sometimes, wingnuts, we liberals forget that you all don’t find some events condemnable on their faces. To us, this mass murder is obviously evil, just like all the other murders that we don’t blog about every day. But you guys lean toward supporting murder, especially mass murder, like everything going on in the Middle East. As such, I bet it can get pretty confusing as to when you should and shouldn’t condemn something.
To help our wingnut friends out, I would like to provide a permanent liberal condemnation checklist. These items are always assumed to be condemned, even if we don’t blog about them obsessively. We want those in need of our moral leadership to carry this list around with them to help when they aren’t near a computer and start to think it’s okay to napalm babies in Lebanon.
In no particular order, we on the left permanently condemn every instance of the following:
-Murder
-Rape
-Violence
-Torture
-Abuse
-Molestation
-Threats of murder, rape, violence, torture, abuse, or molestation
-Bob Seger and Toby Keith
-Racism
-Sexism
-Holocaust denial
-Oppression
-Exploitation
-Shower Boobs
-Porn Fairies
-Environmental abuse
-Calvin urination decals
-Bestiality
-Pedophilia
-Bad plastic surgery
-Wood paneling
-Corruption
-Children playing with matches
-Animal cruelty
-Not paying your website bill and blaming it on us
-Lying (except to immediately prevent something else on the list)
-Cheating
-Poisoning Halloween candy
-Hypocrisy
-Dehydration
-Police Academy VII
-Tax Evasion
-Oval Office BJs
-Kantian “Nihilism”
-Gratuitous Hitler comparisons*
-Fraudulent reporting
-Excessive photoshopping
-Genetically splicing a ferret and a manatee
-The Family Circus
-The end of the universe
*updated to add
There. I hope this helps. Feel free to refer to these items when confused about where you should stand on an issue.
Lol, Marc, Lol. That’s brilliant. I need to place that list on a T-shirt …
Hey, I kinda like Bob Seger. Is he a wingnut or something?
I’d like to add “Advocating wars in which you are able, but unwilling, to serve.”
I second Bob Seger. What an idiot.
And just to add, I condemn any Star Trek episode with Lwaxana Troi. Just because she’s Roddenberry’s wife doesn’t mean she gets to screw the series over.
Wood paneling
Damn carpenters and their misogynistic propaganda.
I see you left out “running with scissors.” Yet another flagrant example of the moral bankruptcy of the left. You people make me sick.
Well, I’m a moral relativist as well as a porn liberal, so excessive photoshopping is ok by me as long as it’s Chris Clarke at the computer.
Kyso: Excessive photoshopping means Reuters-level conspiracy work designed to aid terrorists with GRAPHICAL LIES.
But Chris is so funny-how can excessive photoshopping be wrong when he can use it to bring such joy to teh internets? I can’t believe that it’s always bad all the time, I just can’t!
Chris’s photoshopping isn’t excessive, see? Just Reuters. But I can remove it from the list if you are a terrorist-loving Reuters humper.
Well, as long as Chris gets a pass, you can leave it on the list.
You know, I can draw this up for a nice t-shirt. Cafepress, anyone?
I would buy one. Just as a reminder to the College Republican sitting behind me in class.
But what about sex in public bathrooms? Liberals can’t condemn public sex acts because that’s the main Item on Teh Gay Agenda.
I’d like to join the call to have Bob Seger removed from the list. I’ve always found that his music speaks to a certain free spirit and strength within the working class, it doesn’t just portray blue collar people as dumb redneck dipshits. I’ll never understand why all the white poor people I grew up with enjoy music and comedy about how they are all stupid. It’s bad enough having rich folks call you lazy and stupid, why take that shit from artists who claim to be one of you?
But then again, I always hated country music and Jeff Foxworthy.
I’d totally buy one. I don’t have enough shirts that say “Fuck you” on them.
And bestiality can be funny! So there!
Ooo! I want the teeshirt!
call me naive, but what’s a porn fairy?
/porn: the one word you never want to have to put into google.
see, I read that as Bob Saget, which would make perfect sense. Bob Saget should be on the list.
even if it would mean blasphemy:
http://www.bobsagetisgod.com/
I like Kantian Nihilism…..
To which I can only respond, kill Bob Seger right now
I third the “what’s wrong with Bob Seger?” query. And what’s so bad about Oval Office blowjobs and porn fairies (whatever they are)?
I fourth the “what’s wrong with Bog Seger” query.
Just goes to show what moral relativists we liberals are; can’t even agree on a moral condemnation checklist.
Heh. Shows how young I am. I forgot that wood paneling used to be popular on cars.
And for those asking what’s wrong with Bob Seger, just that he’s written the same song for his entire career. And made money doing it.
If Bob Seger doesn’t already piss you off, there isn’t much I do to help you feel the pain. But this list is about universal condemnation, so I will strongly consider his removal… provided Toby Keith can stay.
Also, oval office BJs are on the list because we want to make our friends in the international community feel comfortable when visiting our president. If they have to sweep the couches and chairs with a blacklight first, that ‘s kinda gross.
And this is a porn fairy.
The Family Circus
Can we change this to “The Family Circus and Mallard Fillmore”? Neither has ever been funny.
But then again, I always hated country music and Jeff Foxworthy.
Foxworthy I can see your point, but country music doesn’t portray working class white people as stupid, at least not until recently. In fact, it mostly has a wry sense of humor and a genuine sort of existential angst to it.
Seger no longer condemned. Mallard Fillmore… not sure it’s worthy of making the list, though I hear what you’re saying.
Anything else?
A large roll of plastic wrapping at all entrances would be sufficient – come to that, it might already be there if GWB is up on his Mel Gibson movies.
For that matter, what’s your problem with the end of the universe?
C’mon firefalluk, the end of the universe is like Hitler.
Ooo. Can we all agree to condemn this?
You left out “driving like an idiot under the influence of a cell phone,” which proves you’re in favor of it, which proves you’re like Hitler. Also, you forgot to include “gratuitous comparisons with Hitler.”
[...] Right-wing blog littlegreenfootballs.com found Reuters to have added and darkened smoke in a photo. [Please note excessive photoshopping has been permanently condemned by the left.] [...]
My god Tara, you are so right. The Hitler comparison issue belongs on the list. And yes, by talking on my cell phone while driving, I am like unto Hitler.
Is it possible to condemn the accusations of being unpatriotic, Unamerican, treasonous, or unsupportive of the troops simply because I have opted to use my American rights to express my patriotic opinions to support my troops by bringing them out of a war zone?
JackG:
NINE DOLLARS AND ELEVEN CENTS!
Damn.
Jack -
Those coins are sick. I saw an infomerical for them about a week ago while watching the Dog Whisperer at like 2 am and I was completely struck dumb… and of course no one was awake to share my outrage. That is so incredibly fucked up. I’m shocked that anyone would use silver covered in blood and human ash as a selling point and even more shocked that somewhere some dumb fuck is buying them.
punkassmarc, can we add exploitative disaster commemerative coins to our list of things we oppose? Or maybe we can just blanket statement comemorative coins in general…
As long as porn elves are still OK, I’m cool.
Porn elves are cool. It’s the porn fairies, who put porn on your bill for your spouse to see, porn you never ordered and surely never watched of course dear, that are evil.
I second exploitative disaster commemerative anything.
I saw that same commercial during Dog Whisperer. I only noticed because my dog was barking at it. Smart dog. He also barks at those Head On commercials.
Actually, Auguste, that was just Shake’s Sis making fun of it. But that doesn’t detract from the sheer vomit-inducing nature of it.
Oh, whoops. Still, it’s totally believable.
I just want a momentary goat – is there just one and does it belong to the right?
Me too. Unfortunately, fleetingly existential goats are found exclusively on right wing farms.
(And by existential I don’t mean Existential. These aren’t pretentious French goats who sit around and debate “No Exit” all day. If they were, they would’ve been killed and eaten by the wingnuts long ago.)
Let’s see… Hmmmm?
-Murder, Rape (of course)
-Violence (except on the football field)
-Torture, (listening to country music. Gotcha!)
-Abuse (There are all kinds but I get the idea)
-Molestation (of course)
-Threats of murder, rape, violence, torture, abuse, or molestation (Unless it’s against wingnuts)
-Bob Seger and Toby Keith (or otherwise nationistic blowhard, fascist cheerleaders)
-Racism (We’re all racists. I hate the human race so that makes me a racist)
-Sexism (Vague term. It’s hard for some to understand what constitutes sexism. By today’s standards the way I treat my mom would be considered sexism and I love my mom more than my own life)
-Holocaust denial (except when jews do it)
-Oppression (except when it’s against my kids. I need to keep them in line)
-Exploitation (This one is stupid. Everything we, the human race, do is an act of exploitation)
-Shower Boobs (I thought they were kinda funny)
-Porn Fairies (Don’t know what these are.)
-Environmental abuse (Sometimes I have to pee outdoors. Does that constitute abuse?)
-Calvin urination decals (see above. I think these things were kinda cool. I have one that has Calvin pissing on the GOP acronym. I’ve seen some that show him pissing on the state of Texas as well as the Bush/Cheney 04’ logo and ‘W 04’’ logos. Sometimes these things are cool.)
-Bestiality (Who in the world can do this who isn’t insane?)
-Pedophilia (Same as above. But this will piss off the mormons: then again I don’t care if I piss off the mormoms!)
-Bad plastic surgery (On vain persons it’s ok as it teaches them a lesson. On children with birth defects needing corrective surgery it’s not ok.)
-Wood paneling (on station wagons to boot, UUUUGGHHH!!)
-Corruption (Unless I’m the one doing it)
-Children playing with matches (unless they’re boyscouts and know how to properly handle them)
-Animal cruelty (unless you’re in a jungle where the animals can get their chance at revenge)
-Not paying your website bill and blaming it on us (It almost worked. It probably helped his numbers.)
-Lying (except to immediately prevent something else on the list) (only to women. I don’t like telling the truth to women. It usually always gets me in trouble.)
-Cheating (on Monopoly. Yeah I hate it when that happen too. The kid playing the banker is always ripping off hundreds and fifties when nobody is looking)
-Poisoning Halloween candy (Sometimes poison helps improve the tast of candies popcorn balls. Those things need all the help they can get. Hint, hint folks?)
-Hypocrisy (except when it involves driving)
-Dehydration (Unless you’re beef jerky maker)
-Police Academy VII (Or Friday the 13th VII)
-Tax Evasion (I am sorta for it after all that has been going on the last 6 years. Would you want to fund PNAC’s little Irac adventure?)
-Oval Office BJs (Unless they’re consensual, and only if they didn’t involve Hillary Clinton)
-Kantian “Nihilism” (It’s fun!)
-Gratuitous Hitler comparisons* (after everything we’ve seen the last 6 years how in the world could anyone suggest that they aren’t pertinent to the current administration?? These guys have more connections to nazis than any admin in history.)
-Fraudulent reporting (sometimes stupid people need to be lied to to get them to stop being stupid.)
-Excessive photoshopping (unless you look like my ass)
-Genetically splicing a ferret and a manatee (actually if they pulled if off it would be quite nice)
-The Family Circus (I liked reading this when I was a kid. It’s better than BC which is a comic dedicated exclusively to ridiculing evolution)
-The end of the universe (sometimes I get tired of this shit and wouldn’t mind)
MYOB’
.
Calvin urination decals
Which are unauthorized (I love you, Bill Watterson.)
If I were you, I’d be tempted to put Bob Seger back in there.
I’d also add “Confederate flags”.
Yeah, all Calvin decals are bootlegs . . . but at least Calvin pissing on something fits his character. Here in Fort Worth, I see a lot of Calvin praying before a giant cross — and that’s totally bogus. I have the complete strips set, and there’s not ONE strip about going to church or even belonging to one. But there’s at least one strip about Calvin pissing his name in the snow!
you know, BC used to be funny and not grossly ignorant, but I’m thinking of book collections my parents have from the 70s or early 80s. The ‘caveman’ was unfrozen from an earlier era, and there weren’t any dinosaurs. I cringed when I saw he’d recently added dinosaurs.
also, I’m in favor of Oval Office blow jobs. I think they’re a great idea and that every president should try it at least once. But obviously they should be clean about it – that’s expensive furnishings in there.
I saw a Calvin pissing on the UN sticker on a truck covered in anti-Bush stickers. What’s that all about?