Porn Fairies
Published by McBoing August 4th, 2006 in Cock!, Pr0n, Sex, The God Box, WorkTraining on the phones at Big Media Provider Co.
“I just got my bill, and I have to tell you that I am astonished that you have charged all this filth to my account. I would never order something like Hillbilly Honies or, Jesus, Fluffy Cumsalot.”
I’m sorry about that, Faux Disgruntled Customer. Are there children in the home? We can arrange for you to set a PIN so that nobody can order Pay-Per-View but you, sir.
“No, it’s just the two of us. We weren’t even home at the time. We were sleeping. The kids were home alone. I was at work. I absolutely refuse to pay for movies I didn’t even order.”
Well, I can see from your account, sir, that this movie content was ordered over a 24-hour period, and at a cost between $12.50 and $15.50 per six hour block, plus your regular excellent viewing content billed at the low cost of $75 per month plus tax, your bill totals at $320.57 plux tax for the month of July.
“I absolutely will not pay a penny for that garbage. I accidentally ordered one movie last week, but that was an accidental accident. Will this show up on our bill?”
I suppose the porn fairy snuck into your house and frantically ordered over two hundred dollars worth of porn while you and your wife were “away” at the “grocery store,” or whatever kids are calling it these days, just like those porn fairies tend to do with every fucking customer we have who is embarassed to admit that they wank off to titles like Xtreme Bitches 9 and Girls Gone Wild: Omaha but still remain too fucking prudish to show some goddamned penetration — and you expect me to feel sorry for you that you “accidentally” bought lame-ass softcore porn in six hour blocks (six hour blocks) and refund your goddamned bill and ruin my fucking stats because your cock wasn’t satisfied with the bad lighting and boob job scars and decided to order eighteen more bad, bad, awful, awful movies? And you are embarassed now (?!) that your spouse might discover your pathetic softcore kink? Was your Cinemax subscription an accident, too?
In other words: Would you like to pay that with cash or credit?
“I need to speak with your supervisor.”
30 Responses to “Porn Fairies”
- 1 Trackback on Aug 6th, 2006 at 11:36 am
- 2 Pingback on Aug 10th, 2006 at 9:05 pm
- 3 Pingback on Nov 17th, 2006 at 10:46 pm
Girls Gone Wild: Omaha
Go Huskers.
Damned porn fairies, destroying American values.
Um, has someone not heard of internet porn? And cache clearing?
Get thee here: Customers Suck It’s a sanity saver.
Somehow I think we work for the same Big Media Provider Co.
HPS, I’m pretty sure all porn customers and all porn fairies are uniform throughout the United States. There’s probably a union or something.
Reminds me of a customer I had at ye olde video rental store. Middle aged guy arrives in the afternoon, clean-cut, button up collared shirt, pressed slacks. Makes a bee-line for the drama section. Comes to the counter with two softcore titles, about the only thing resembling porn that our corporate-run store carried. I notice that he’s wearing a silver ring with a prominent cross stamp on the opposite hand from his wedding band. When I bag his movies, I tactfully forget to say the titles out loud, and he wishes me a good day.
Forty-five minutes later, a car zooms up to the store. A woman stomps out, slams two movies into the drop slot, and drives away.
Should be obvious at this point what two movies they were.
I still kinda feel bad for the guy.
Man. There should be some kind of internet porn awareness campaign for these poor slobs.
I believe that campaign is called spam emails.
Junk Science is strangely silent on this subject.
Junk Science is strangely silent on this subject.
Junk Science is strangely silent on the subject.
(Echo echo echo echo echo)
*flaps gums helplessly*
What the fuck is going on in here?
What happened is I totally didn’t order six hours worth of drunk college girls making out with each other, and I’m not going to pay for it.
I had an ex who actually did order a porn by accident when he first got digital cable. He was clicking through all the chanels and options and went one too far in the menus on a naughty, naughty selection. I arrived at his house about 15 minutes later to find him very, very upset about what his mom was going to say when she saw it on the bill. I thought it was hilarious, and suggested that he call the cable company before the request processed completely and they would probably put a stop on it. Why he didn’t is beyond me. He was probably never able to convince his mother that he did not watch the pornography, which is also kind of funny.
I rented a room in Reno and two buddies from Barstow (I think it was) came and crashed. One dude lost all his money immediately so he went upstairs to “take a nap.”
When I came back, he was looking shamefaced. Apparently he had ordered porn - and being money-conscious by this point, he ordered the six-hour package. Cause, you know, buying in bulk and all. However, it turns out that if you TURN OFF THE PORN that’s it, it’s over and you’re out ten bucks. So, as he put it “I only watched about ten minutes and paid for six hours.” He was totally embarrassed.
Which, naturally, got me wondering two things: 1) How did he think he would be LESS embarrassed if he’d gotten his money worth, since it would have appeared on my hotel bill either way and 2) Who in the whole wide goddamn world thinks they’re going to need six hours of porn?
Also, 3) Why did he think I needed to know that he only watched ten minutes of it, given what that time period makes explicit?
Who in the whole wide goddamn world thinks they’re going to need six hours of porn?
It would make sense if you could save it for later.
Um, maybe.
Wasn’t Sting tantric or something? He might have use for it.
I totally didn’t order six hours worth of drunk college girls making out with each other
I sure as fuck didn’t, either. What do I have to do to my boyfriend to convince you people??? Jesus.
I’ll admit it. I’d be ashamed of my partner if he bought pay-per-view porn.
Because dude, you can get that stuff for free. Quit wasting money!
But seriously, if I were Big Media company, and as such, could do whatever I wanted to my customers, I’d have a policy that if you don’t accept a pay-per-view PIN being put on it, you are henceforth responsible for all charges whether you say you made them or not. It’s the same thing why paid internet porn and 900 numbers struggle unless they’re huge - people buy it and just dispute the charges through their credit cards.
In conclusion, people suck.
“What happened is I totally didn’t order six hours worth of drunk college girls making out with each other, and I’m not going to pay for it.”
I ordered eight hours of Peter North and Jenna Jameson, and instead I get six hours of this wimpy shit!
You know, porn fairies haunt libraries too. I work in one, and an indignant man who received a mailing telling him why he was banned for a period of time (for pulling up porn on the public internet terminals) came to say that someone had stolen his library card and used it to sign onto the terminal, not him. Unfortunately, the employee who busted him was there when he made the complaint, and ID’d him. We guess that the wife saw our little missive to him, and he had some ’splaning to do.
Who in the whole wide goddamn world thinks they’re going to need six hours of porn?
I have problems following the plotlines, okay?