New Pert Plus, now enriched with the blood of the innocent!
Published by punkass marc July 29th, 2006 in Dudes, HumorSamhita at Feministing brings us the sexiest, most confident object a man could have in his shower, the Shower Breasts:
But I’m on the fence about whether to buy. Let’s take a look at the product description from BoysStuff.co.uk…
Squeeze the boob to release the gel… Having a shower has never been so much fun!
Well, I’m relieved to know I won’t have to drag my RealDoll into the shower with me anymore in case I get a fake-tit craving. Showers are normally stressful and boring, but when it comes to taking it away, Calgon ain’t got shit on plastic boobs.
Do you fancy fondling a pert pair of bosoms in the shower every day? Actually that’s probably a silly question.
It is! But we’re probably thinking of different reasons why.
Well now you can do just that, and make them squirt into the bargain.
I, uh, don’t speak British well enough to know what making them squirt “into the bargain” might mean, but it sounds delightful. And as long as my lactation fetish is sated, I could really care less. Now, if they can just make shampoo that tastes like ladymilk, we’ll be all set.
Before this descends into Carry On territory, we should make it clear that the Shower Breasts are a fun and saucy shower gel/shampoo dispenser. Well what else could we have been insinuating?
Oh, the Brits. The poor chaps felt compelled to apologize for their innuendos already.
Shower Breasts are guaranteed to make you want to wash more often. This naughty nipple-topped pair attaches to your shower wall with the suckers provided, with each bosom having a compartment for shower gel, shampoo or conditioner. To dispense, simply squeeze away – but be warned, you could run out of shower gel very quickly…
Did he say suckers? I’m sorry, I got distracted. This is all very complicated. I have to put what where? Then do what to them how? And I orgasm when?
A great fun gift, Shower Breasts are so tactile that you’ll be ready to move into the shower. In fact, if any female Boys Stuff fans out there are having trouble with their man’s personal hygiene, this could be the solution. And all that squeezing is sure to help build his biceps, so everyone’s a winner.
That’s Boys Stuff for you — always thinking ladies first. After all, they also sell the popular gentleman’s ball scratcher, which is silver plated, dishwasher safe, and “crafted in the shape of a delicate female hand.”
I heard Dubya’s a big fan of Boys Stuff, but his fetishes are pretty unique. A candid white house shower scene below the fold.
28 Responses to “New Pert Plus, now enriched with the blood of the innocent!”
- 1 Trackback on Aug 23rd, 2007 at 10:10 am
“Into the bargain” + coherency —> “as well” + Dihydrogen monoxide
I’m trying to think of who would buy this and the only thing that’s coming up is those guys in the Christian “ex-gay” programs who are trying to convince themselves they like women.
The same men who buy personal masturbation devices shaped like a random porn star’s vagina, who would buy a real doll and talk about it as preferable to live women, if only they could afford it (it’s tough financial times living in mom’s basement), the same men who buy coffee cups with exposable breasts on them from Spencer’s…
Not that I wouldn’t run screaming from any domicile containing a RealDoll, but…this is actually kind of funny. Heh.
For me it’s kind of like those plastic testicles you can hang on your back bumper. I find it funny that they exist and can laugh at a picture of them, but the first time I ever saw a pair actually hanging off of a truck, I had to assume the driver of said truck was an enormous asshole. A boobie soap dispenser would be a deal breaker unless the man who used it could prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was owned for irony purposes only.
I have a hard time seeing this as a problem, since I have no real qualms about what people hang in their bathrooms (testicles on a car, different story). If they like squeezing a plastic pair of poorly designed boobs to get soap and shampoo, more power to them. As long as I don’t have to deal with it. But I personally would kill myself before buying something as stupid as boob dispensers.
Wait, does the shampoo come out of the nipples? Or does it come from under the boob?
It would be interesting if it came from under the boob… another way to seperate breasts from their fuction…
Well, if a gay man owned it, that would be sufficiently ironic for me. But given the product description, I don’t think the company is marketing to gay men with a sense of humour. More like heterosexual losers who can’t figure out why girls won’t go out with them.
It’s a soap container!?!
oh my.
One doesn’t quite know what to say
In fact, if any female Boys Stuff fans out there are having trouble with their man’s personal hygiene, this could be the solution.
This just kills me.
“Hey, your man won’t bathe? Why not get him a pair of disembodied breasts to play with in the shower?”
Riiiiight.
Mmmm put them a couple of feet lower, and they err could be used for something else?
Jack,
Hardly a problem, but still corny as hell and worth teasing about. I wouldn’t outlaw them, but let’s just say that if I found out a friend had them in his shower, I’d have a few new nicknames for him.
For me it’s kind of like those plastic testicles you can hang on your back bumper. I find it funny that they exist and can laugh at a picture of them, but the first time I ever saw a pair actually hanging off of a truck, I had to assume the driver of said truck was an enormous asshole.
Damn. I want to get Truck Nuts for my truck. If the driver is a feminist blogger, does that mean that I get an irony pass?
If you’ve gone as far as to own shower tits in the first place, you have to know that people are going to tease the righteous living fuck out of you. Even the most petulant junior MRA would probably feel like a moron getting defensive about them. So by their very nature I don’t think it’s possible to own them unironically.
Now, truck nuts, I don’t know. There are some serious lameasses out there.
It lacks the stately charm of the lap-pillow.
As for the ball scratcher, why don’t they just sell a fork for ten dollars? Oh wait…it appears they are…
i noticed that the scratcher is dishwasher safe and stain resistant. i don’t even want to know.
HA! I totally didn’t notice the FAQ at the bottom of the ball-scratcher page.
Q. do you have a larger size ?
A. No, only this one as standard
Mmmm put them a couple of feet lower, and they err could be used for something else?
Shh…quiet Anna. They don’t want people to know the true purpose!
It looks to me for all the world that you press the nipple and it comes out from under the breast.
No wonder guys like this don’t understand foreplay - they’re being horribly misled by their novelty items!
only if you stop to scratch them, apparently
Someone used to make a cow udder version of this — I kick myself for not buying. And it was four times the fun!
Seriously, I would SO buy a penis version — or the Truck Nutz as well.
(retreats to classily decorated bathroom)
“…I had to assume the driver of said truck was an enormous asshole.”
Amanda, this gives me an idea — giant rubber assholes that pop into the trailer hitch on large trucks and SUVs. So appropriate, and yet redundant I suppose, since they usually already have a giant asshole behind the wheel.
Like these?
This is mildly off-topic, but I’m trying to find some way to introduce these damn photos to the blogodrome, and there’s been a crazy image war recently, right? So here they are: the patriarchy in five photos. No nudity, but a lot of mind-crushing imagery.
http://www.torontopics.com/co/rachel1.jpg
http://www.torontopics.com/co/rachel2.jpg
http://www.torontopics.com/co/rachel3.jpg
http://www.torontopics.com/co/rachel4.jpg
http://www.torontopics.com/co/rachel5.jpg
The context, if it isn’t clear: this is celebrity chef Rachael Ray posing for third-tier wankmag FHM.
NOOOOOOOOOOOO
not Rachel Ray
noooooooooooooooooooo