35% of all liberals worship the devil
Published by punkass marc July 17th, 2006Update: Bwa-hahaha! Shelley is satire? Thanks to the commenters pointing this out. I’m as bad as the dude who missed the boat on that Onion article. Feel free to ignore my commentary, but I recommend the post; I found it entirely believable… for a wingnut.
You know, sometimes we like to write inflammatory headlines as an eyegrabber, or a way to make fun of what the right is saying. Unfortunately, I’m not actually exaggerating with this one. Shelley the Republican cheerfully asserts some amazing “facts.” I feel compelled to bring them to you one sentence at a time, so as to make sure they properly register.
The big influence of European Atheism is pushing more and more Americans in worshiping the devil!
Yep. Atheism always leads to satanism, doesn’t it? Step one: believe in absolutely no god or supernatural beings at all. Step two: DEVIL!!
It makes sense, really, because the devil isn’t a god. He’s real. I mean, the greatest trick he ever played is making people believe he didn’t exist. And how could he play that trick unless he was real?
Come on. I just blew your freaking mind. You can admit it.
Why, just the other day I heard PZ say the real reason he loves cephalopods is that he believes our Satanic master will come to life as a giant squid and wreck all our god-fearing oil tankers. See what happens when you start down the path of rationalism? You end up worshipping devil squid lords. Tsk tsk.
Also, I commend Shelly for pointing out that European Atheism causes the most harm. I know Europe, with its Vatican and whatnot, is the heart of all anti-religious belief, and American Atheism is more of an Atheism Lite. We say we don’t believe in a god, but we’re just trying to look cool for the Parisians. [puff puff]
So anyway, this devil stuff’s really coming on. I heard there’s this great new movie coming out called Rosemary’s Baby, and it’s all about the newfangled fad sweeping the nation. I also heard there’s a witch-burning tonight in the town square. Rumor has it Simon Cowell will emcee.
I just hope they’re atheist witches, don’t you?
In liberal communities, satanism is the religion with the strongest increase of members by far.
I guess Shelley forgot the footnote on there, but I’m sure he would’ve cited some source for this if he hadn’t been so busy spreading God’s love.
You don’t need evidence, though, do you? Just think about all the radlibs under whose spells you’ve accidentally fallen. I heard Jill went to Greece because their ritual goat-slaughtering techniques are way cooler than ours. Auguste quit Malkinwatch because he needed more time to steal post-abortion fetii for the demon-summonings. Amanda seduces teenage boys with her feminine wiles so she can harvest their souls for Beelzebub. And don’t even get me started on Townhouse. Did you know it’s an anagram for “orgasm cult?”
An estimated 35% of all American liberals are satanists.
See? I told you he said it.
In Satanism the sacrifice of humans (preferably: virgins) is these days thankfully illegal, but is still being done!
Definitely our biggest national crisis. Iraq? Afghanistan? Health care? The loss of reproductive rights? The loss of immigrant rights? The loss of privacy? The total lack of a reasonable minimum wage? Uhhhh, look over there! Satanists!
This is what happens when you allow liberal democ-rats to control parts of the country.
Yes, yes. After centuries of plotting and failing, the libs have finally taken over parts of this country, as though we were the Taliban. Never before have Democrats controlled any aspect of government; if we had, we’d have broken the hell out of the Guiness record for virgin murders. And we’d have gotten away with it, too if it wasn’t for meddling do-gooders like Shelley. Curses!
The Clinton years were probably the most destructive in our country’s past.
Hooboy. I mean, if you’re going to write this, you might as well end with the biggest doozie of them all, right?
Just so we’re all on the same page. =)
“ShelleyTheRepublican.com is a satirical entertainment web site.
“Shelley”* and her friends are fictional characters (*created 1999).
Shelley’s opinions are an amalgam of many of the right-wing pundits
who are frequently featured on conservative TV and talk-radio.”
In Satanism the sacrifice of humans (preferably: virgins) is these days thankfully illegal, but is still being done!
Yep. Anton LaVey was arrested a long time ago for killing all them virgins.
In liberal communities, satanism is the religion with the strongest increase of members by far.
Hmmm..what exactly constitutes a liberal community and what exacly constitutes an increase? Because if it’s anything other that the correct definitions, your arguments are full of shit.
And finally,
The Clinton years were probably the most destructive in our country’s past.
Damn! I mean…DAMN! Has he even read any of American history? You do know about the Civil War, right? The Gilded Age? THE GODDAMN GREAT DEPRESSION?! Man, it’s HAS to be satire. Otherwise, I’m really fucking terrified for our country.
Yup, Shelley is satire. Unfortunately, it’s becoming increasingly hard to tell the satire of the extreme right wing from its actual beliefs.
Hah! Thanks, guys — the article’s been updated. I love it. I completely bought Shelley as just another wingnut.
I did too, when I first encountered her. She’d “attacked” some friends of mine, and it took a good half hour for me to decide it was, in fact, satirical. I was impressed, but I wonder if that’s a good thing…
Yeah, you lefties have an obsession with labelling anything you disagree with as satire! You’re free to ignore STR.com’s well researched and vetted articles (for now) if you wish. I like how evil_fizz (nom de plume for one of satan’s little wizards if ever I saw one) makes something up out of whole cloth and you immediately believe him/her. Cite? Link? Proof? No, need. You can’t handle the truth!
And “Evil Bender?” Another of satan’s minions. You’ve been p4wn3d, marc, by your own commentariot. Read more of STR.com’s factual articles and you may yet be saved!
It’s easier to label as satire that which you cannot believe than to realize the shining light of truth!!1!!one!!
truth!!1!!one!!
too obvious
My comment was obviously edited, Mildred Pierce. Cue funny edit to discredit me, yet again. You far left liberals are way too obvious in your sneaky tactics.
only 35%? Geez, you better get working
and
don’t say that - you’ll treble the population of Austin with the stampede
My daughter’s grandmother (not my mother, her father’s mother) sent home with her an article about the thousands of people turning to satanism as a result of reading the Harry Potter books. Unfortunately, if it *was* a satire, she didn’t present it to my little girl that way. What a nut.
But, stuff like this makes it hard to tell when these are satires and when they’re not. Some of these people *really are* that crazy
Ah, Shelley is just upset because the Church of Satan prohibited proselytization and because LaVey believed churches should pay taxes like everyone else.
My comments were edited on Shelley’s site. I posted several times about the site being satire and to ignore it which were just deleted. but when i posted about how much one of thier stories made me laugh they changed it to say that i agreed with the article.