Men’s News Daily has two, two, two! great sides of the same misogynist coin practically side by side today. The topic? Women, aren’t they obnoxious but so damn cute? Sure, they look harmless…until they try to steal your purity of essence and render you obsolete, bwa haa haa!
The paranoia is brought to you by science. Specifically biology, the girliest of the sciences. It is now possible to use stem cells to create eggs and sperm, paving the way for new infertility treatments for both genders. Of course, y’all wouldn’t know about the egg part reading Jeremy Laurance’s ominous little commentary:
The discovery that sperm can be grown from embryonic stem cells raises the prospect- though still distant – of a cure for male infertility. But it also raises the spectre of a baby born without a father.
If it is possible to create sperm from a collection of embryonic stem cells grown in a laboratory, then men may be redundant – a species who have served their time and are now discardable. Using stem cells in this way, even were it technically possible, would be illegal in the UK.
Scared yet, manly man? Good, stay that way. Always remember that scientists and women want to take your balls! And/or your money! I for one find this to be a justifiable fear, since we all know that if women didn’t need men for their 33% or so greater wages and personal sperm launching jet packs, there would be no reason on earth for us to put up with them. To suggest otherwise would be laughable, implying that men and women could partner up because they (*gasp*) liked each other. And that’s just silly. As for the scientists, they just hate you. Yes, you, personally.
OK, now we can spend the rest of the essay discussing about how your boogeyman will actually be prohibited, and move on to that boring IVF shit the procedure will actually be used for, then a quick mention about how it’ll be a few years before the technology reaches the point where cheap and accessable sperm in vending machines allows women to release their fembots and destroy the men who pollute our earth. Faster, Pussybot! Kill! Kill!
I would just like to take one more paragraph to point out that if you read about a new stem cell treatment that involves creating gametes to treat infertility of both genders, and your first thought is “Oh no, now they can finally eliminate us all!” maybe it’s time for some introspection. Your problem could be simpler than a feminist conspiracy to use technology to eliminate men – you could just be an asshole. Try being not a complete dick for awhile, see if the women around you remain cartoonish supervillians.
Did I say cartoonish supervillians? I mean, cute as kittens, oh yes they are!
Eric Johnson is not gay.
First, I’m not gay.
Just because he likes his kids and his overpriced coffee, and has maybe expressed an emotion or two, doesn’t mean he likes the cock. It is important to make this very clear to the MND audience, I guess.
To prove that he is not gay (NOT GAY, I tell you!) Eric goes on to wax poetic about a female composed entirely of stereotypes in a touching ode to femininity entitled, Worth the Hassle?
All that aside, I want to know why women seem to have such a natural fascination to men? (Ok… it sounds like a dumb question, but bear with me…) Is it genetics? Are we hardwired to enjoy the female form? I think so… Is it culture? All of us good chivalrous Christian and Jewish males who were raised right have some burning need to protect a woman… we like knowing we’re needed in capacities other than oil changes and revenue production… that too has something to do with it. Women…
I guess knowing it is a weakness, their incredible grasp over our attention, is the first step in maturity and managing the effects… the slender arms, the round eyes, the smiles, the impetuous playfulness and all those lovely curves… God I love women. All they have to do is be themselves… silly, giggly, attention whoring… and you love them all the more.
There’s no accounting for taste, I guess. Some people like lizards, some people think potbellied pigs are cute. As for Eric himself, he likes women. Crazy! I know! But they’re soo adorable that they’re almost worth the hassle. Well, some of them, anyway.
And you know… some are actually worth the hassle of the emotional, moody trauma they dish out and inflict upon us (and themselves.) For me, the only things I want to care about are myself and my kids and my job… and that’s it. Simplicity… but women… they have that ability to reach in and grab you… to make you want to compete and win to gain their favor. To provide for them, to prove your manhood in their eyes. But why? With all the lovers I’ve ever known, I also enjoyed watching them get ready in the morning… brushing their hair, looking for the right outfit, putting on the make up. So different they are from we men… We’re very utilitarian, us guys. Shower, shave, get dressed, go…
I wanted to cut so much out of that paragraph, but I realize that then you, the reader, would be unaware that I had removed text and replaced it with an ellipsis of my own. It felt dishonest so I had to make you read the whole thing. My apologies.
Anyway, Eric here has a thing about watching alien beings in his bathroom donning thier strange garb and grooming thier mysterious protein strands. Even when they get creeped out and shut the bathroom door in his face they’re so cute he’ll forgive them these strange moods.
Eric the divorced straight man who just wrote a whole blog post about how women are inconveinently incomprehensible but irresistably necessary then wraps up with some quick advice to single men about whom to marry and some insights into the thoughts and feelings of all women.
It is so hard for a woman to do anything wrong in the eyes of her man… so gentlemen, choose well and when you find one who you can love, love without reserve. Our culture may be lost in a confusion unisexual nonsense, but real women love real men… they love a strong man who can think for himself and won’t buckle under to her. Most will never admit it, but they want the freedom that comes from the security of a strong man: to be a mom, a wife, a loved possession. Find a real woman and together maybe you can build a real life. Someone once said ‘love is for fools… and the lucky few.’
Something tells me that Eric considers his ex to be not a “real woman,” but is this enough for the MND audience? NOO-oooo! There is only room for one feeling towards women on this website: unfocused, vaguely-articulated hatred. Anything less, including the praise of an imaginary woman for being everything that bitch who left you wasn’t, is simply unacceptable. Eric the Not Gay, you didn’t have to spill your heart out to learn that. Denise Noe could’ve told you as much. Look, you even put the phrase “to be a loved possesion” in there and they’re still not happy! What a bunch of fuckers, ya know? They just want to complain.
A sampling from the comments:
dapoet said,
Ar women worth the hassle?
NO!!!!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!
Why are men fascinated with females?
The answer is really quite simple Eric:
When it comes to females the vast majority Of menare just flat out STUPID!!!!!!!
July 12, 2006 at 6:02 pm__________________
DcFather said,
The male sex drive makes the world go around, but the taxes on it are very very high. They’ll even take your children, then use that as an excuse to tax you some more.
Someday there will be a pill, an anti-Viagra of sorts, that just eliminates the sex drive in males. If such a thing becomes popular, and government doesn’t shut it down, either men will have rights too or the world will collapse.
July 13, 2006 at 5:05 am
___________________
fourthwire said,
“And sounds like dapoet has not found the perfect mate yet.”
Was that a diplomatic way to suggest that dapoet has already met his fair share of more typical American women, Joyanna?
July 13, 2006 at 8:24 am
Eric Johnson is not gay. Just sayin’.
But that’s just because no “tramp-stamped, pierced, rode-hard-and=put-away-wet American woman” is good enough for Eric’s little wiggler. He has to make sure his wife doesn’t know what a real dick looks like.
“Loved possession”? Seriously? This is what real women want? Is “Real Women” a brand of blow-up doll or something?
Some suggestions:
1)Dude…just…try thinking of women as PEOPLE. Seriously. Just try it. See what happens.
2)For the love of Jebus, don’t ever refer to anyone as “ridden hard and put away wet.” Like, ever. No, seriously. It is the universal code for “I am a misogynist douchebag, ladies – stay far, far away from me.” (Of course, the fact that you’d even think this is evidence that you need to refer to 1) above).