It’s an accessory, not a choice.
Published by Kyso Kisaen July 7th, 2006 in Celebrity, Fetii, For the ladies, What Patriarchy?MSN hits all the targets of bad taste when it asks the question, “How on Earth did it get so cool to be pregnant?” and then titled their answer “Hip to be Round” complete with a 15-year retrospective of pregnant celebrities.
Speaking of pregnant celebrities…satire, meet reality. You two have more in common than you think.
Anyway, enough scariness, back to the article-mocking.
Maybe there’s something in the water. Even the most casual pop-culture consumer has probably noticed that the latest must-have celebrity accessory is, apparently, a belly. Check out the July 10 issue of Star magazine. It features the “Hollywood Bump Brigade” with pictures of preggo Jennie Garth, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Sofia Coppola. Britney Spears channeled her inner-Demi Moore by posing naked with her bump on the cover of this month’s Harper’s Bazaar. Angelina Jolie took it all to a whole new level by commandeering a coastal African country for her delivery.
Unless the water of New York and California is filled with radioactive super sperm , I highly doubt the water is what is causing this red-hot trend. But I’m not a doctor, I’m just someone who gets annoyed when people who are paid to write start off with a lazy inappropriate cliche.
Ok, for starters, Britney Spears has no inner Demi Moore. Britney Spears has a worthless husband, suprise second pregnancy, poor parenting skills and a need to stay in the spotlight so her career doesn’t fade any more rapidly than it was before she starting churning out K-Fed spawn. She needs a divorce lawyer and some decent advice on everything from hair dye to childcare. Bazaar making her look all cute and toned and airbrushed on the cover of a magazine like everything in her life is OK, enviable, even, is not helping. Bazaar, stop enabling Britney Spears!
Secondly, Jolie’s sealing up an entire nation so she can have a baby was one of the greatest abuses of power ever in history orchestrated by a someone who was not royalty. That’s not a “whole new level” that is a “shameful act for which she should be smacked about the face and head by the very human-rights organizations that she has helped in the past.” She’d thank them later. Also, please note that that baby was all of 7 days old before the grocery store headlines went from “Oh gurgle gurgle look at the sexy awesome family” to “Baby ruining relationship, oh my God! It’s all over!” so maybe you don’t want to draw any more attention to them in this article seeing as…
You’re point seems to be that a properly cared for an Pilates-ed up “bump” is an accessory, when in fact it is a fetus, which turns into a baby, which is a whole nother thing entirely and which should not be taken lightly as it is a life changing event that can not be sent to the thrift store once it is no longer fashionable.
Julia Beck, founder of Forty Weeks, a marketing company that studies expectant and new parents, says there has indeed been a bump in the number of visible bumps. The culture of pregnancy, she says, is undergoing something of a rebirth. What was once something to be endured—a practically taboo means to an end—has become the end in itself. It’s hip to be round.
Let’s try that again, with honesty this time:
Julia Beck, founder of Forty Weeks, a marketing compnay that studies expectant and new parents, says that there has indeed been a bump in the number of visible bumps. As it turns out, she says, pregnant woman are a rich, wonderful, almost mouth-watering market who until recently were swaddled in tents of such embarassing colors and patterns that they could hardly be seen outdoors. If we can show them sexy pregnant celebrities wearing sexy expensive maternity clothes, then we can tap into their deepest insecurities at a time when their hormones are doing most of the work for us and get them to spend sooo much money, oh, god, it makes me want to orgasm just thinking about it….what? Oh, yeah, printable quote…uhhh, culture of pregancy, hip to be round, something like that ok?
That seems a bit more like it.
So Julia’s totally plugging the baby-industrial complex here. She’s not even trying to hide it. There are a bunch of wonderful ways to snark this article, but I think it’s best to watch Julia machete her way through this infomercial with all the grace of those Disney Ballerina-Ostriches.
NEWSWEEK: It seems like pregnancy is almost hip right now.
Julia Beck: It is definitely hip to be pregnant right now.Why is that?
I think what we’re looking at is a shift from pregnancy simply being a means to an end—in other words, it was a 40-week obligation, there was a gestational period going at the end of which that’s when the fun began. The exit strategy was literally a baby’s entry into the world. So we shifted.When did that start?
The major shift was about five years ago. It became much more experiential. People began to see pregnancy as a major accomplishment and they really began to think about it as the moment itself. So you then began to see products that are answering that call.
That’s right, pregnancy is cool now because we got all introspective - and everyone knows you can’t spell “introspection” without “complete range of new products and services - ask me for details!” Well, you can’t in American English, anyway.
What kinds of new products and services, you ask? Well…
First of all this whole notion of being very pleased with your pregnant self, this notion of finding ways to celebrate pregnancy by having very interestingly themed baby showers or very well-thought out nurseries or a higher standard of baby carriage.
Finding ways to celebrate services! And products of a higher standard! What is a pregancy without an interestingly themed baby shower or a monster freaking expensive baby carriage?
No, really.
Yeah, higher standard of baby carriage, but some of them go for $800 or more. It also gets to the edge of ridiculous.
It does get to the ridiculous. But at the same time it’s all about range of option and the one thing you can’t argue with is more options. More women are able to really find what they want and parents are able to find the right parenting tools for themselves. Before we had a really, really narrow field. I have an 8-year-old and I couldn’t decorate that nursery in anything that wasn’t really typical duck and bunny look. But then people came out like Amy Coe and she started to infuse vintage-inspired fabrics into a nursery. More sophisticated, more elegant
Julia’s loathe to agree that an $800 baby stroller is silly, because she is focused like a laser on her message (Message: Any money spent on goods or services to make your pregancy perfect is money well spent. Ask me how!). What it’s about is options! Wealthy self absorbed pregnant women can’t have too many options, you know. The non-wealthy ones, eh, fuck ‘em, they hardly pay for goods or services at all. As a marketing executive, Julia can’t even see them. Sometimes she actually sits on them on the subway because she honestly thought the seat was empty.
I’m not a parent and hardly a pregnancy expert, but I have to call bullshit on the idea that decorating for a child in a way that won’t drive you insane requires the help of Amy Coe. My mom did it on her own. The walls were yellow. The furniture was wood. And the decorations were toys. Done and done.
Are you a new mom? You need Julia. Are you the type of woman who generally feels like she’s in charge of any situation? Then you just need to hand Julia a blank, signed check right now.
Women are waiting more often now than they used to. Why are they waiting and how does it affect their lifestyle to suddenly become pregnant?
You take a woman who has accomplished great things in the career place. She’s used to having support personnel under her; she knows how to solve problems. You’re literally throwing her down on her back at the bottom of the learning curve. What that does is open a whole new industry which is the expert baby advice, because they are less likely to go with their intuition. That is one of the elements that is the most troublesome to me.
Are you past child-bearing age, not actually a woman, or not even necessarily human, but you know someone who is or might one day be pregnant? Then you need Julia, too.
Any sense of what the next big thing is going to be?
I’m fixated on everyone else trying to pretend they’re pregnant—I call it pregnancy by association. Expectant fathers, expectant grandparents, expectant siblings and expectant pets. There’s products for everybody right now. There are diaper bags just for dad. There are “I’m a Big Sister” T-shirts. The other trend that is here but growing by leaps and bounds is the green baby. Certainly celebrities are embracing that trend, and, as always, they’re the first. They’ve been doing organic baby food on the West Coast for a while.
Julia, she’s available. Julia. With so much at stake, can you afford to not give Julia money? Call Julia now. Operators are standing by.
BONUS! Entry-level patriarchy blaming! Practice here if Twisty won’t let you comment yet!
Amanda has discussed the fixation on pregnant celebrities before, although I can only find one example of it I know she’s attacked it a couple of times.
Analyze Julia’s statements, and tell us what part of the patriarchy/conspicuous consumer culture she’s pimping for most offensively, and why. For those of you who don’t meet Twisty’s standards, this is an excellent opportunity to hone your patriarchy-blaming skills. Don’t be shy, now. There’s plenty here to work with.
UPDATED: I googled Amy Coe, and oh my jesus freaking criminey, I didn’t realize it was that bad. I must have been thinking of someone completely different - I swear to god the baby-room designer I read about in People or wherever at the laundromat wasn’t that bad. It didn’t occur to me that there could be more than one baby-room designer. I am shamefully naive. And wickedly tempted to send the link to my pregnant pending-sister-in-law.
I have an 8-year-old and I couldn’t decorate that nursery in anything that wasn’t really typical duck and bunny look.
Who the fuck does she think nursery decoration is for? Babies (well, past their eye-focusing stage) LIKE ducks and bunnies! One thing my son emphatically did not say as he first learned to talk was “Gib me bintage favrics!”
What does the baby’s preferences have to do with it? It’s your pregnancy, let the parasite get its own, is I think the general message here. There is a definite disconnect between marketable fantasy and reality designed into those rooms. That Amy Coe splash page looks more like an aisle at Bed, Bath and Beyond than an actual room where a baby lives, spews, and excretes.
“It’s your pregnancy, let the parasite get its own…”
I couldn’t have said it better if I were an OB-GYN!! I just hope I’ll remember it the next time I see some insufferable excess of attention over a pregnancy. And for the record, I love my daughter and am forever indebted to her mother for the 40 weeks and after. Having her almost makes up for the fact that mom is a pathological liar.
The word “bump” to describe a woman’s distended pregnant belly will be the end of me, I swear. “Bump” makes it sound like you ate too much cheesecake and need to hit the gym. It has no relationship to the giant belly pregnant women get. It’s an insult to pregnant women’s effort.
OK! I’m only doing one sentence.
“What we’re looking at is a shift from pregnancy simply being a means to an end”.
Here goes blamin’:
1. If pregnancy were an end, that would make sex the means.
2. If pregnancy were an end, children would be a waste product.
3. However, pregnancy is clearly not an end but a means, as evidenced by the fact that sane people are distressed by stillbirth.
Julia’s statement therefore manages to satisfy at least five criteria of patriarchal loonspeak, asserting:
i. women shouldn’t have sex for fun,
ii. women ought to get pregnant, and - as pregancy by all accounts sucks -
iii. ought to enjoy pain and debilitation;
iv. real already-born people are comparatively unimportant.
Also, (v) it’s obvious and complete mooseshit from start to finish.
That’s five blames in 16 words, a highly concentrated 31.25% blamability. I’d translate these units into some kind of logarithmic scale and then name it after Twisty, but I am unworthy.
These people aren’t for us normal people. And that is about the only time I will lump myself in with anyone normal.
You know the parents that sign up their child for preschool before they are born? These $800 strollers are for them. Same with the rest of this nonsense. The ones who throw tandrums about not getting into the right preschool, kindergarten, etc. This screams them. They need to top everyone. “Look at me! Look at what I can provide my child” Nevermind that all a child needs is love and caring after.
(can I swear on your blog?) Forget that!! (of course, replace forget with another “f” word)
As the mother of two boys, none of this is necessary. Babies do not require material stuff. Expensive strollers, decorated bedrooms, nothing. Babies want to be held. And coo’d at. And rocked, sang to, all that stuff.
Yeah I’m rambling, I should just go to bed. Those people just annoy me tho, and should really get a clue to life and what it really means to raise a child and be a parent.
Can you swear on our blog? Of course you can! We’d could hardly call ourselves punkass if we got all upset over a couple of naughty words. Or in my case, using the word “fuck” to preceed words for no other reason than I say fuck alot when I speak, so why not use it when I write?
Color me amused with a side order of disgusted.
Granted, I had my babies so long ago (1974-1978) we made do with stone knives and bear skins, but this mania for pricey specialised goods makes my head spin.
Vintage fabrics? What the hell? My base line for baby-related fabric was ‘can this be washed to get out the vomit/urine/feces which baby will inevitably cover it with at 3 A.M.?’. Pre-registering your fetus for nursery school and music teachers? How about you wait to meet the poor little critter and find out what he/she is like as a person? Maybe the little darling will have a, wait a minute, what’s the word? Oh, yeah, a mind of its own.
I blame the patriarchy, which is clearly trying to lure women back into the nursery by bribing them with costly goodies and gadgets. Not to mention getting a head start on training the babies to be good little consumers. Can’t have them thinking, in their silly baby way, that blocks and balls and maybe a pan and a wooden spoon to hit it with are actually entertaining, now can we?
As a marketing executive, Julia can’t even see them. Sometimes she actually sits on them on the subway because she honestly thought the seat was empty.
Oh my god, Kyso. You’ll make me embarrass myself.
First of all this whole notion of being very pleased with your pregnant self, this notion of finding ways to celebrate pregnancy by having very interestingly themed baby showers or very well-thought out nurseries or a higher standard of baby carriage.
What vain, silly children women are these days. Pleased with themselves for being pregnant? What happened to quiet dignity and silent suffering?
Well, I’m pretty sure you can find evidence of rich women treating pregnancy like this going back centuries. It’s just more in your face nowadays because of ubiquitous media.
“The culture of pregnancy, she says, is undergoing something of a rebirth. What was once something to be endured—a practically taboo means to an end—has become the end in itself. It’s hip to be round.”
Pregnancy an end in of itself? Of course! Because there is nothing in this world better than a breeding woman and nothing more that a woman would live for.
‘The major shift was about five years ago. It became much more experiential. People began to see pregnancy as a major accomplishment and they really began to think about it as the moment itself.”
Which moment? The moment his cock ejects sperm into my throbbing cevix? Nirvana!
The wingnuts couldn’t have invented a better tool than Julia if they tried. Here she is to tell us all that pregnancy should entertain and of course fulfill. The obverse of this is of course, that if you don’t want a pregancy what kind of woman are you? Now you are not only a sinner, but you are completely out of touch with fashion!
And just in case you career woman forget yourselves and got to thinking you are smart and got it all together in the office, or even the world, you ain’t seen nothing yet when the sperm meets the egg. Now what? Call Julia of course!
“You take a woman who has accomplished great things in the career place. She’s used to having support personnel under her; she knows how to solve problems. You’re literally throwing her down on her back at the bottom of the learning curve.”
women are stupid and especially when they are doing the most difficult and arduous task in the world, they need to Julia’s in the world to tell them how. Never mind that the rest of the living creatures on earth manage to breed and nurture with little more than instinct.
Then she can’t help it, she opens her mouth a little wider and suddenly we catch a glimpse of her fangs:
“I’m fixated on everyone else trying to pretend they’re pregnant—I call it pregnancy by association.”
And apparently, since she believes that all of us who grew up in, or raised kids in the seventies, or say, the past thirty years or raised kids and read books and used our own brains are all dead, she makes this assertion:
“The other trend that is here but growing by leaps and bounds is the green baby. Certainly celebrities are embracing that trend, and, as always, they’re the first. They’ve been doing organic baby food on the West Coast for a while.”
Celebrities, the Great Gurus of middle class America. Has anyone asked them what we should do about Iraq or if they know who the next pres will be? Oh, wait a minute, I’m a woman, I should go get pregnant or something and shut up.
I’m especially fond of all the assumptions loaded into “organic baby food.” You can tell it’s not your hippie-dippy co-op neighborhood gardener organic, but your expenisve store-bought organic which may or may not actually be pesticide-free since the last loosening of the FDA’s rules about what can and can’t be called organic.
But it’s trendy! And creates all kinds of extra effort and opportunity for douchebaggery. It would certainly be harder to say, leave your kid in day care while you work if you’ve set an arbitrarily high standard about what it can and can’t eat. Rich people can get nannies to do the shit work, of course. Everyone else is just going to have to deal with their inadaquacy as a parent.