Christian Lee Hartsock waxes nostalgic over an imaginary time when women were real women and men were real men and dippy little douchebags such as himself were not scorned by strangers on blogs just because they insisted on making horse’s asses of themselves all over teh Interwebs.
Liberals are like babies. They are. You give a baby a beautiful, shining glass vase and he’ll smash it on the floor. In the same way, God gave us marriage and sex and liberals have ruined both of those too.
What we have here is a tragic attempt to mix up two metaphores. Liberals = babies and marriage = crystal vase. Christian probably could have done something not mind-bogglingly stupid had he stuck to one or the other of these comparisons. But by combining them, he managed to create a non-sequitor of such staggering absurdity that instead of being curious about his point or thinking “yeah, them babies sure can’t take care of fragile things,” I am left wondering if Christian has ever given glass to a baby, was suprised enough by what happened to note it in his next column, and how did he survive getting his ass kicked by said baby’s parents?
I guess Christian must have realized that the baby-glass comparison was weak because he doesn’t come back to it again. Instead, we dive head first into “Remember the Double-Standard, yeah, wasn’t that great?” argument.
In the 1950s, marriage was something women looked forward to, so much that they married at ages like 19 and 20. . .
To a woman, a man interested in commitment was the biggest turn-on. It was commitment that young women longed for. In fact, for generations since, the stereotype has been that women long for commitment while men have at least fourteen one-night-stands to get out of their system before they even consider settling down with a woman. (And even after they’re married if they find another one buried deep under the cushions, oh well! A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.)
Hey, a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do, you know? Hawk, spit! *grabs crotch*
Because none of those 1950′s teens were pregnant when they married (or married because they were pregnant) and teen marriages are so terriby stable and good for everyone involved, we should encourage them.
Also, Christian finds stereotypes a convenient way to navigate the treacherous waters of society, so if women could return to the days when they were one-dimensional characters without a will of their own who could be counted on to all want and do the same things, that would be great. The fact that the stereotype also allows him to do whatever he wants without serious consequence is just a bonus.
So, ladies, here’s the deal: if you agree to be all romantic and swoon over “commitment” while allowing Christian to sow his many and mighty wild oats, Christian will agree to be flattered about your devotion and not think too hard about the connection between a woman not having any financial or educational options of her own vs. her willingness to put up with infinite crap from someone who does have those option in exchange for the security that comes with them.
A relationship so simple, even MSPaint can graph it.
Shorter Kyso Kisaen: Christian! Wake up! The romantic desire for commitment of the 50′s was just a socially acceptable way for girls to want someone who wouldn’t leave them homeless, destitute and with 5+ kids after he’s done fucking ‘em.
This is what feminism has done to women. It has demonized marriage, it has demolished prudence, and it has denigrated the concept of commitment.
Waaahhhh! My dad didn’t have to do any work at all to keep his marriage together because mom did it all, but all the girls I meet in Berkely expect me to like treat them as individuals who don’t want to pamper my sorry ego for the rest of their lives! It’s feminism’s fault that I can’t be a selfish asshole and have an adoring wife that’s too scared of poverty and being a social outcast to leave me!
The only types of marriages liberals like are ones that involve male-on-male sodomy or lesbian fisting.
Uh, oh, somebody’s letting his faint memories of hastily watched forbidden porn bleed over into his political commentary. It’s OK, Christian, you’re not the first conservative writer who used his column as an excuse to say those filthy, dangerous words. But you’ll never be able to stop obsessing over the gay sex if you have to get yourself all angered up to talk about it. Try this exercise at home: think about all of the heterosexual couples you know. Now, picture them having sex. Gross, huh? Not that much worse than fisting or man-on-man sodomy when you think about it, eh? Now, think about all the gay/lesbian couples you know. Picture yourself having a conversation with them without secretly thinking about them having sex. Easy, isn’t it? Practice until you have complete control over your imagination.
Aside from seeing it as a form of chauvinistic slavery, liberals see marriage as a commitment in the same way they see talking to someone on the subway as a commitment. Remember when first base was asking a girl out, second base was kissing her, and third base was a relationship?
When the fuck was third base ever defined as “a relationship”? I thought it was getting your hands under his or her clothes (counts even if you didn’t get under the underwear).
Nowadays, for women, the prerequisites to getting married (whatever that means) are having sex with about a dozen men and having at least one abortion (and preferably a partial-birth one).
Oh, crap, is that the prereq? Well, I’m quite a few men and at least one abortion short. I guess I best get to work on that.
If liberals only knew what they were missing out on with their hedonism and their debauchery and their insistence on fornicating with every fish in the sea before they do the whole “marriage” thing, they would realize that it is devout Christians who are having the best sex right now out of anyone on the planet.
Suuure y’all are.
So who is Christian? Well, as far as I can tell through Google, he’s been a screenwriter/filmmaker and political commentator since he was 18. Shockingly enough, he has finished no film projects that he’s willing to own up to-even on his own webpage. His columns include such reasoned analysis as “Hitler was a liberal,” “Emulating the Gipper,” and “Judge Roy Moore for Supreme Court.” I think that we can expect great things from him in the future, and would certianly watch anything he manages to finish provided that I don’t have to pay for it.
He refers to someone as “my good friend and colleague” in his dopey Hitler post. I know there’s some disagreement as to this term, but it applies perfectly in this situation:
Christian Lee Hartsock is a huge fucking douchebag. He is a worthless patriarchal tool which intends to convince women their bodies are dirty and evil, but has no purpose other than to insert himself into those bodies. Unfortunately, fewer and fewer women are willing to entertain his kind.
Is that a fair analogy? I think so. “Lesbian fisting.” Yeah.
Oh, and if there’s any reason to refer to this flaming douchebag again, I suggest the epithet “Christian Wanksock,” which is so right in so many ways.
Christian Wanksock, hmmm? I like it.
Fundies can’t be having the best sex. I mean, Jesus is right there watching them, and that has to freak them out. If it doesn’t, it means they like being watched, and that’s sinfully extravagant so they have to beat themselves up for it.
And is it just me or does he look like Doogie Howser would look if you shoved a pickle in his butt?
He does have that “I’ve got a giant stick up my ass” kind of look about him, doesn’t he? And I love the fact that only male-on-male sodomy gives him the willies. I wonder if he and his classmates suscribed to the “virgin in the front, martyr in the rear” school of thought on prom night and other special occasions.
damnit, i wish i could figure out the missionary position! damn those christians and their sex!
The phrase “too dumb to live” comes to mind. Seriously, how can someone so stupid survive to adulthood? I’m astonished he didn’t choke to death on his own tongue before he hit puberty.
So, how does he know married people have the best sex? He’s not having married sex, and he’s not having pre-marital sex unless he’s a hypocrite. How does he know what it’s like?
For that matter, how does anybody know which kind is better? I mean, according to Hartsock if you have one kind you can’t have the other, so how on earth do you compare them?
I guess that if you don’t have any sex at all until you’re married, then stay with that person for the rest of your life, technically you are having the best possible sex you could have. But you’re right, it would be almost impossible to compare your experience to that of others. The only way is to leave your spouse and go try some hedonistic, decadant sex with strangers and fish-but if that doesn’t turn out to be better, you’re still stuck with it, you can never go back to Christian-brand UltraSex.
To a woman, a man interested in commitment was the biggest turn-on.
Now my female friends who whine to me about their asshole boyfriends but won’t fuck me say a guy actually has to be interesting or attractive or have a sense of humor or half a brain! It’s not faaair!
Seriously, do these guys have any idea how thoroughly unattractive it is to lecture women for not wanting to fuck them? Are they ever going to learn?
A relationship so simple, even MSPaint can graph it.
Oh, Kyso. I don’t even have words.
Graphs rule. No matter what they say, if you have one, you win the argument. That’s why I like them. Tables, too.
It’s the magic of math. Math is so persuasive that even though I’ve always wanted a tattoo, I am consistently swayed against them by Red Vs Blue’s elegant mathematical proof of why people shouldn’t get them.
I love it that he says that MSPaint created the graph, like there is some actual data he just plugged in and the program spat it out. No, he didn’t just pull it out of his ass. No sir!
No, no, I made the graph. Should I make that clearer? I thought maybe the fact that it underscored my point and not his would make that clear. It is certianly pulled out of my ass, as I am no sociologist and therefore have no idea how you measure opportunities vs bullshit.
This is the boyfriend’s computer so I don’t have my usual graphing software available to me, besides why dignify the fake data with a real graph? I guess I could have used MS Excel, but then I would have had to think of numbers or something, and fuck that.
oh, my bad kyso.
I have the nasty habit of snarking whenever I see something to snark at.
Understandable mistake. It is a hideous and amature graph.
Actually read this time, and wow, I really misread the graph. I definitely agree that the more trollish the man gets, the less likely a woman is going to put up with it if she is given more options.
Lesbian fisting, woohoo!!!
Just remember to trim the fingernails, ladies.
It is the graph to end all graphs. Also, snarking on MSPaint is fun.
Anyone else think the last real girlfriend this dude had was in ninth grade? And he really, really wanted to go all the way, Jeebus be damned, but she wouldn’t let him? Aww.
Good lord almighty on a stick! What’s with the 1981 thin tie? Is this guy really about 42 and living alone in a rooming house in Cleveland and he posted using his high school yearbook pic?
Or is he one of those homeschooled progeny, forever relegated as the outsider from lack of socialization.
Yes, folks he’s mad. He’s mad that there are beautiful people in the world with friends, going to clubs, dancing, laughing, getting laid and they don’t ask him out and he’s too shy to go there alone. Nope, better to stay at home and wank it sore and hate and hate and hate. ‘Its not me, its the world that’s wrong.’
Like my daughters when pre-teens used to chant with that obligatory thumb and forefinger positioned in an ‘L’ on the forehead, “LOSER!”
Also, which brings me to this quote i just have to note: “so much that they married at ages like 19 and 20. . .” Me wonders if his first draft read, “So much that they married at ages like 13 and 14…”, then he thought better of it. Damn liberals, controlling his life at every minute!
Lesbian fisting? What about handballing, for god’s sake?
That’s Sean Hannity’s racket, McBoing.
Shorter Kyso Kisaen: Christian! Wake up! The romantic desire for commitment of the 50’s was just a socially acceptable way for girls to want someone who wouldn’t leave them homeless, destitute and with 5 kids after he’s done fucking ‘em
- and it didn’t bleeding work, from the divorce rates in the 60s.
But, Kyso, isn’t demolishing this single-digit a bit unfair: even with one cerebral hemisphere tied behind your back*, it’s still a onesided fight.
he has finished no film projects that he’s willing to own up to
although his longing for man-on-man and lesbian sex certainly suggests what he’s been working on
The only way is to leave your spouse and go try some hedonistic, decadant sex with strangers and fish-but if that doesn’t turn out to be better, you’re still stuck with it, you can never go back to Christian-brand UltraSex
but, isn’t that the point of the great Sky Fairy, that you can *bing* be forgiven and washed clean of your sins, and re-virginated, unlike all the nasty libruls?
Oh, crap, is that the prereq? Well, I’m quite a few men and at least one abortion short. I guess I best get to work on that – and the line is already around the block ..
“For that matter, how does anybody know which kind is better? I mean, according to Hartsock if you have one kind you can’t have the other, so how on earth do you compare them?”
That reminded me of this one time in my English class (AP, no less!) last year. One of my (female, very Catholic) classmates said something to the effect of, “If you have sex before marriage, it will just be so trite on your wedding night.” When I heard that, my jaw dropped and somehow I managed to sputter, “you’re a 17 year old unmarried virgin! How could you possibly know that?!”
Because that’s what her 55-year-old priest who’s also never had sex told her.
I see that Master Wanksock has written no new columns lately. Guess all that jism must have fucked up his keyboard.