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Contrary to what you’ve been told, it isn’t easy for a nice guy to get the right girl.

If you were writing a romantic comedy, I’d be the leading man, a real catch played by a big star like Matthew Perry or Billy Crystal. Check the stats:
*I’m smart, and I’ve got the MIS degree to prove it.
*I’m handsome and stay in shape via my church’s Ultimate Frisbee league.
*I have a huge TV and watch everything from Two and a Half Men to CSI: Miami.
*I’ve got good moral values.
*I’m giving, caring, loyal, and ready to make the right woman my bride.

So what happened with Miss Right?

I stood outside the clinic as she approached our picket line, a blonde stunner with a rack as big as advertised; even her bulky sweatshirt couldn’t hide those bazoombas. Her thighs had a few too many tree rings, but nobody’s perfect, and anyway, the grueling pilates class at my church could churn any woman from butter to stone. This doll screamed bargain fixer-upper, and I was just the right carpenter for the job — well, along with the Carpenter, if you know what I mean.

Unfortunately, my nymph possessed one other imperfection: she was with child and ready to toss it in the garbage can (along with her eternal soul for committing such a sin). See, I’m part of Grooms for Life, a new program designed to connect pro-life men of character with single women kamikaze-diving towards an abortion due to a lack of male support.

On Tuesday, the Crisis Pregnancy Center across the street snapped this woman’s picture and posted it on our bulletin board. The minute I saw it I knew she was the One. All she needed was a knight in black-and-white armor, complete with the bowtie he tied himself. My swift intervention would rescue more than my princess, though. Her unborn jewel would be saved in time to grow into the Hope Diamond.

As she approached, my buddy Darrin have her a good whack on the noggin with his giant aborted fetus picture. Cue my heroic entrance. Right as she turned to face Darrin, I butted between them.

“Oh my god, are you okay?”

“That asshole hit me!”

I turned to Darrin with a wink and grabbed him by the Old Navy polo. “You have five seconds to apologize to the lady.”

He faked a much better harrumph than last time. “Yeah? Or what?”

“Or you’re going to get beaten to an even worse pulp than the child in that photo.”

He hung his head and apologized as I scooped up her arm and ushered her away from our small protest crowd. “What’s your name?”

“Allison,” she replied reluctantly. A few strokes to her hand caused her entire body to tense up. I could tell she was nervous about her impending infanticide.

“I’m Ethan. It’s really nice to meet you, Alli. Can I can you Alli?” I asked because I’ve found it’s better to get on familiar terms with a prospective wife as soon as possible.

“Uh, no, you can’t. You can let go of my arm, though,” she snapped. What could I do? I gave her a big hug to soothe her anxiety. The powerful masculine arms of a real man must’ve felt especially good to her because she wriggled against me furiously, rubbing every part of me against every part of her. God’s love was in the air.

Eventually she pushed me back to get a better look at the cut of my heroic jib. Her words betrayed the cracks in her soul caused by her abandonment. “Are you looking for a lawsuit, here, pal? Because I didn’t get that JD for nothing.” I crossed my fingers that JD wasn’t some new veneral disease and continued to pursue my destiny. Oh, and I hand-signaled for my crowd to circle behind us and block the clinic entrance so we could have some more time to talk.

I grabbed her wrist firmly, to show my manliness, and interlocked our fingers. “Alli,” I said, “your life just changed forever. I’m here today because I know what you’re going to do, and I believe the power of love, which is to say the Power of God, has brought us together to save you and your unborn child from eternal damnation.” Her jaw literally hung agape in ecstatic shock. I seized the moment and leaned in close, locking our eyes. “Alli, the only thing standing between you and a happy family is the right head of the household. I know you’ve been abandoned by another damaged soul, but it doesn’t have to be like that. We can bring you back to the bosom of the Lord and give you the lifelong joy of motherhood all at once. And we can do it together. Because I’m here today to ask you to marry me, Alli. Will you marry me?”

I barely got that last part out before she threw a terribly unchristian right cross to my temple. I landed solidly on my elbow and uttered an unspeakable. My fingers shot out for her ankle, but my Alli was on her way into Satan’s arms and away from mine. She burst through my gaggle of friends and entered the clinic. As the door swung shut, I could feel the door to my heart closing as well. What was I to do without my soulmate?

It was then that I felt a tap on my shoulder. God? No, it was Richard from the CPC. He jabbed a polaroid at me, and I recoiled with a wrinkled nose until I saw the leggy brunette in the picture. No tree trunks on this one.

“She went for an abortion consultation yesterday. I think you two would be perfect together.”

The Lord works in mysterious ways.