Fathers Day Battle of the Bad Dads
Published by punkass marc June 18th, 2006 in Punkass!, When Dads Go BadAbsent Dad forfeited by not showing up.
Indifferent Dad showed up but gave a half-hearted fight against Lazy Dad, who just kinda rolled around on the canvas until he knocked over Indifferent Dad. Indifferent Dad didn’t really feel like getting up after that.
Lazy Dad had no chance against Substance Abuse Dad, who hit him over the head with a Jack Daniels bottle.
Bully Dad challenged Substance Abuse Dad’s manhood, taunting him until Substance Abuse Dad turned into Depressed Dad and drank himself to sleep.
Jock Dad tackled Bully Dad from behind with a devastating blow and chastised him for talking the talk but not walking the walk. Bully Dad was also apparently lacking “heart” and “hustle.”
Infallible Dad tapped Jock Dad on the shoulder and pointed out that this match was over Because He Said So. Jock Dad wanted to argue, but Infallible Dad is deaf when others try to speak. Plus, he used that tone with which you just can’t argue.
Weight-Obsessed Dad strolled in and tapped Infallible Dad on his man-gut. With a powerfully raised eyebrow, Weight-Obsessed Dad, despite being 10x fatter than Infallible Dad, managed to embarrass him out of the ring.
Passive Aggressive Dad teamed up with Manipulative Dad to out-shame Weight-Obsessed Dad with offerings like “I’m sure complaining about someone else’s weight is a fine career, I’ve just never heard of anyone actually succeeding at it,” and “It’s your life, but I’m just glad your mother can’t see you like this, god rest her soul.”
Cheats on Wife Dad convinced those two that there was unlimited blowjob potential outside the ring if they were man enough to take it. They decided they were.
Loves A Sibling More Than You Dad told Cheats on Wife Dad that kind of illicit behavior was precisely why he gave a car to his brother but not him. Of course, if Cheats on Wife Dad decided to step out of the ring, he might reconsider and buy him one, too. He did. Manipulative Dad went to the judge and pointed out that Loves A Sibling More Than You Dad stole his tactics, and judge DQed him.
Physically Abusive Dad promptly belt-whipped said judge and told him that he better just end the fight right now or there would be hell to pay. The judge scurried to get the belt, but just as he was about to hand it over, the arena spotlight suddenly focused on one of the luxury suites.
Bathed in the light was Cheney-level Conservative Dad, who blared over the PA system that if Physically Abusive Dad wanted to avoid having his house repossessed, he would bring that belt up to the suite immediately. Physically Abusive Dad had no choice. He brought it up to the suite, but Cheney-level Conservative Dad still took his house, and had a bodyguard gut the bastard anyway, just in case he got uppity down the road.
Happy fucking Father’s Day, Cheney-level Conservative Dad. You’re the baddest dad in all the land.
Daddy?
I presume a similar fest is held on Mother’s Day? Or would that piss off too many folks in Women’s Studies departments for you to bear? There’s ample material, you know. There’s Offer-Your-Infant’s-Sexual-Services-On-The-Internet-For-Drugs Mom (she made the news in the Bay Area recently). Lazy Mom ranks high, too; if I got a nickel for every woman I know who stood amazed that anyone, much a less a man, did what I did and routinely made meals for my kid completely from scratch, I’d own my favorite baseball team. My particular favorite is Use-Your-Kid-For-An-Ashtray Mom; my family has a gaggle of witnesess attesting to the veracity of her existence. One could go on and on.
Marc, I’m sure you mean well and I’m the last person to deny that many asshole parents have an XY-chromosome structure, but I’m willing to bet a cookie that maternal malefeasance is rarely, if ever mentioned on this fine blog. That’s your prerogative; still, it disappoints.
Douglas, you’re welcome to go start your own blog and write about whatever you want, man.
Thanks, Doug. We’ll keep you in mind next Mother’s Day. In the meantime, try not to berate somebody for lacking the oversight to read your mind and write on the subject you deem fit. On the outside, it looks sort of selfish.
If you haven’t had enough hating on women to satisfy you, Doug, you’re free to read the anti-woman slams available in what was supposed to be ordinary World Cup coverage. You’re also free, if you want fatherhood’s reputation to improve, to join us in disparaging men who give it a bad name.
a shorter version of Cheney:
John Kerry (D-Mass) says Mary’s gay: That bastard.
Michelle Bachmann (R-Stillwater MN) says that gays are a plague: Let’s hold her a fundraiser!