PunkAssBlog.com

This is Mike Adams’ brain on attempting to be funnny.

What I love is that Mike Adams’ fake Al Gore still manages to sound smarter than him, that and how Al Gore has to be shouted down for mike to make any sort of point. What the hell is wrong with someone who’s imaginary debate partners have to be treated disengeuously by them before they’re actually able to engage them in an arguement?

before you ask, no he doesn’t make it any clearer what sort of taxation system he actually favors ni lieu of a flat tax, only that he doesn’t support progressive taxation.

Speaking of which, this is the best bit imho:

Gore: Is it true that you support the flat tax? If so, don’t you think that it’s unfair? Should the rich be forced to pay more income tax than the rest of us?

Adams: You mean “them,” Al. You’re rich, by the way. But the answers to your three questions are “no,” “no,” and “no.”

Gore: Do you care to elaborate?

Adams: Sure. I do not support the flat tax because we tried it before and it didn’t work. Twenty years later, we have seen thousands of changes in the tax code. The IRS is, once again, terrorizing the American people and bogging down the economy. I will not support any plan that falls short of eliminating that communist organization. I hate the I.R.S. This country is simply not big enough for both of us.

Yes folks! Do not Pass go, do not collect $200, Mike Adams has just called The IRS a communist organization! But stay tuned, it gets even more special…

On the issue of fairness, you are woefully misguided. Imagine you are dining at an expensive restaurant. You and a friend sit down at a table and order only two cups of coffee and refills. When you pay your bill two hours later, is the waitress happy that you tipped her 20%? Of course she isn’t. She made eighty cents.

Now imagine that you and a friend sit down and order two appetizers, two filet mignons, four margaritas, and two desserts. When you pay your bill two hours later, is the waitress happy that you tipped her 20%? Of course she is. Same rate, but she made more money so she’s grateful. The difference is that the I.R.S. is never grateful to the rich.

Curse the IRS for failing to send Rich People hand written thank you notes written on special floral scented cards!

Now, what would happen if the restaurant imposed a mandatory gratuity of 10%? What would happen if they raised it later to 20%? What would happen if they raised it all the way up to around 50%? Eventually, people would just eat at home and the restaurant would go out of business.

I know that’s why I personally never eat in IRS run bistros. Of course no one has the option of self taxation or whatever the metaphorical equivalent of “eating at home” would be, well, except corrupt repug owning corporate fat cats.

If the Democrats had their way, half of everyone’s money would go to the I.R.S. – unless, of course, you were rich. In that case, a clear majority of your money would go to the I.R.S. The Democrats see I.R.S. employees not as public servants but as martyrs in their economic jihad against the American citizen. You either understand what I’m saying or you’re just a bad tipper.

And to put the reality of the current taxation situation into a similar matephorical basis, imagine that you had a restaurant that was divided into one section for people who earned less than $100,000 per year, in which all you could order was gruel, which represents the current social services (or lack thereof) of our great Majority Party’s government, and the other section was for people who got more than $100,00 per year, which served only the finest foods on the planet and the more a customer earned the less they paid for the food.

Oh and the Tips are deducted from the bill for the actual meal, which I note only to make the metaphor complete rather than to say I object to the tax deductible nature of giving to charity. Hell, someone earning less than $100,000 under a democratic progressive taxation system can give almost all their taxable income to charity rather than the government, so if you really want to screw the IRS, you want progressive taxation and to give a whole load of money to charity.

Anyway, due to Adams having never worked in the serivce industry, he is of course unaware of the unspoken economic practice that I recall someone once dubbed “the Asshole Tax”, this is the huge tips that rich customers leave for bar and restaurant staff to make up for their overly privelaged assholery and sexist, racist, classist behavior (which generally includes, but is not limited to, the groping and sexual harrassment of the female staff), this tip is then usually sucked up by the owners of the establishment in question before the actual staff who have to deal with these assholes’ fuckbaggery get a chance to even touch the money in question let alone take it home at the end of an evening’s hard work. And if the service personnel complain or give the rich bastard any grief about his behavior, they’re fired.

This is of course how taxation under the current right wing, DLC controlled, democratic party would probably work, progressive taxation to pay for the inconveniences of the rich fucking up american society with foreign wars, increasing governmental and corporate corruption as well as outsourcing and the bankruptcy bill’s non-repealment, but you know the idea of mike adams pointing out the actual like-the-repugs-but-with-ponies-for-the-people-they-screw-over-as-opposed-to-torture-chambers issues with the dems would require him having either foot (and possibly that penis shaped protruberence from his collar he calls a “head”) in the same universe as the rest of us.

I like progressive taxation, but man, it’s if it’s the only progressive thing happening in your political party’s policies it becomes nothing but window dressing to placate the people who get screwed over, like you me and anyone who isn’t earning more than $100,000 per annum.

Anyway, back to the Land of Milk and ‘Tard Crayons we go, and know that I don’t bring ‘Tard Crayons into it lightly, Hold on to your helmets folk, Bad Pun Ahead…

Gore: Hey, don’t bring Tipper into this.

Oooooo, did he actually have large sections of his brain, the parts that deal with comedy presumably, removed? I’ve got 7 year old godchildren who are funnier than this.

Adams: Sorry, Al. Next question, please.

Gore: You’ve been quite outspoken about the educational lottery in North Carolina…

Adams: Al, I object to your use of that phrase. It’s an oxymoron. The success of the lottery relies upon the fact that most citizens are so uneducated that they deem a lottery ticket a good investment. If the lottery – I call it the idiot tax – ever succeeded in educating vast numbers of people they would stop playing the lottery at once.

Okay buddy, “you” do not call it “the idiot tax”, I don’t know who precisely originally did, but it was was not you turd breath. Ffs, this guy is supposedly a christian professor, aside from “thou shalt not bear false witness” where the hell did you learn your academic ethics? trying to pass stuff off that you’ve copied from someone else as your own shizzle dawg, that’s called “plagarism”, and is what you want to keep doing if you really hate your academic career, you half witted hacktacular idiot.

Gore: Be that as it may, how can you oppose anything that sends money directly to the public schools?

Adams: That’s easy, Al. As soon as you tell me the money is used to fund “public” anything, you’ve lost me. If you want to use a lottery to expand any aspect of the government you are presumed guilty by me until proven innocent.

What The Hell Are You Talking About you crazy person? “presumed guilty by me until proven innocent”, if you object to the idea of poor people having access to education then just say so, don’t be such a motherfrackin dork about it

“presumed guilty by me until proven innocent”, you feckin eejit…

But public education is an especially bad investment because the value of the product keeps declining every year. If you were trying to sell me a stock, I would first have to look at a chart of the value of the stock over the last twenty years – assuming it was available for that long. If the chart showed a steady decline in value for years on end, I would put my money elsewhere. That is one thing that can be said of all people who support public education. They are simply bad investors.

The value of the product in this case is the children of this nation. But remember, Liberals are elitist, uhuh.

This is even funnier because, this being mike adams and all, the mythical chart that exists in Mike Adams’ head still probably tracks a steady decilne in the “quality” of the “product” (I’d comment about him dehumanizing every single publically educated child in the nation, but where the hell do you even start with something like that? I’m just speechless, really) with the rise of right wing loony christians like Daphne there getting more say in how schools are anally raped into the ground run.

Gore: You seem awfully sure of yourself, professor. Have you ever made a mistake in your life?

Adams: Yes, Al, I certainly have.

Gore: Well, what was it?

Adams: I voted straight Democrat in 1992.

Bu-dum… oh fuck it, I can’t be bothered to finish the rimshot there, it’s all just too lame…

Excuse me while I warm up my liver for friday with some heavy drinking and a reading of Ann Coutler’s latest TownHall column, which I shall quote in its entirety for your pleasure:

AArrrgh, feck it, millenium ham and shrimp! I told ‘em, I TOLD ‘em, traitorous godless hillaries see? Never knew what it was, giant squid, ahaha, see now, Rahm Emanuel is a former ballerina, liberals aren’t having so much fun now that the rabbit has the gun, second, Liberals are godless and Hillary’s husband is a rapist, back when there were only three TV stations and no Internet, talk radio or Fox News, buggerrem! In addition to the consensus position it used to be so easy for the MSM to destroy reputations, AAAAaaargh, feck it, Joe McCarthy, Barry Goldwater, Richard Nixon, Robert Bork, Dan Quayle, Oliver North, Clarence Thomas, Pat Buchanan, Newt Gingrich, Paula Jones and Linda Tripp, buggerrem, millenium hand and shrimp! It was even more civil in the Soviet Union where there was only one TV station in precisely five minutes on the Media Research Center’s Web site, Aaargh, Buggerrem! I told ‘em, I TOLD ‘em, Feck it…

And for those at home, see if you can guess which bits I merely copy and pasted from the original column, and which bits I made up, (seriously, I copy and pasted about half of that from the column, “unhinged” doesn’t begin to describe it), contest winners will be the first commenter to tell me all the bits I copy and pasted, and will win the fabulous prize of being eaten first by Cthulhu when he rises from his death like slumber in the sunken city of R’lyeh. Competion ends sunday.

I’m seriously tempted to start a religion around her, she could be a Baron Samedi to Prince’s Erzulie, and we could all pray to the myriad lost souls who died in pointless wars and due to archaic social policies via the medium of getting drunk and dancing. I’m not really sure how joking I am with that btw, she’s made satire redundant, if that doesn’t require worship of some kind, I don’t know what does.