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Hey guys.

Dating’s a pain in the ass, right? You’ve uninvitedly gyrated against anything with a pulse at your favorite dance halls, you’ve drooled while talking at women’s chests all over town, and you’ve stood with a boombox outside every window in your neighborhood on the off chance someone doesn’t throw a paperweight at you. No dice.

So how’s a fella who doesn’t understand the first thing about appropriate behavior navigate the dating world in the 21st century?

Why, it’s time to go online! Here, your poor manners and bad taste can be masked behind an HTML shield of false advertising.

What’s that? You say you haven’t had any luck with dating sites, either? Well, damn. I guess it’s not so easy to pretend to be an interesting, thoughtful person, is it? Turns out you actually need to be one. Weird, I know.

But let’s say that, deep down, you aren’t as self-absorbed, sexist, and rude as your learned behaviors indicate. Maybe there’s a spark of decency inside you, something that recognizes your attitudes must change. If so, expressing it will be crucial to cultivating relationships that last longer than the 8 minutes someone tolerated you before throwing a drink in your face.

Since you haven’t had much luck chatting up women online, let’s take a quick look at how you introduce yourself.

If you fire an opening salvo like this:

Hey baby hit me up sometime. Peez- big daddy bryce

Consider that a woman may not have been given any reason to “hit you up.” Perhaps you should tell her something interesting about herself [something outside your video game proficiency is preferred] or make a clever observation about her profile that doesn’t involve her rack. Try following up on one of her hobbies or interests, though phrases like “what’s the deal with gardening and shit?” will generally illicit a negative response.

Also, avoid including pet names for yourself. Be it “da pymp” or “fast eddie” or “jackhammer,” these labels are best left out of your initial contact. Let someone decide for herself just how shallow and obnoxious you are. I’m sure she’ll offer plenty of new additions to your collection.

Finally, consider following basic spelling and grammar rules. This indicates the capacity for sentient thought, a quality increasingly in demand.

On the flip side, don’t send a message like this:

Hey sexy! I was really impressed with your profile. I’ve been looking for a soulmate since I was 9, and I think you could be the One. I’m the exact same age as you and I also like going to movies and hanging out with friends. How wild is that? Actually, I don’t have that many friends right now, but that just means more time for us to spend in each other’s arms. You seem like the kind of girl who would give a nice guy a chance (for a change!), so drop me a line if you’re ready for something Real. Yours truly, Aaron

You, uh, might be coming on a little strongly there, Aaron. Though star signs, occupations, and religious preferences may say a lot about a person, commonality in some or all of these doesn’t necessarily equate to soulmatery. Hard as it may be to accept, you only know enough about her to warrant further conversation, so communicate casually — and try not to mention your grandmother’s engagement ring right away. Follow some of the advice we gave to “big daddy bryce,” and don’t make a move to meet in person until she’s had a chance to decide if you’re worth her while.

Oh, and drop the nice guy routine. Seriously.

Provided you’ve written a less-than-embarrassing email, the odds are good a prospective date will investigate your profile. Given that some sense of your personality has been derived from your note, she’ll probably be interested in your picture.

It’s absolutely crucial you are not this guy:

No matter how hot your bod, an unsolicited display of nipples this early in the introductory process can be… offputting. Sucking in your gut while holding your breath and trying to smile is also less than flattering. Try mixing in a shirt, at least in your primary profile photo. Most people like the idea that they could be seen with their significant other in public, and wearing proper attire (or even just attire) demonstrates you grasp the basics of common decency.

However, even clothes can’t save you here:

Unless you have a humpback, the only reason you’d be standing like that is because you’re pressed closely against another person. And despite the subtle cropping, it’s pretty obvious this was probably someone with whom you were close. Some might say it’s probably one of your exes, especially if you’re wearing a shiteating grin like this guy. Some huckleberries do an even worse job of hiding this:

I have to believe that somewhere a photo of you exists that shows you unattached from the cheek or hip of a previous date. Use it.

Now, assuming you’ve represented yourself competently in your photo, try to do the same in your profile. Avoid any phrases that suggest a woman must be granted the privilege to “speak here mind,” use complete sentences occasionally, and try not to sound drunk, creepy, and pathetic all at once. Do everything you can not to be like Robert:

Who am I, I am Robert. I don’t know what to really say about myself. So here is a try. I like to laugh, make you laugh. Not the best at it. Will always try. Enjoy companionship. I believe a lady should be treated like a lady. She should be willing & free to speak here mind. Wants to have fun in whatever we might do. I am passive in most things. I have not dated in years. It’s nuts how the scene has changed. Bar seen is not my style. I believe communication is very important. Like to talk. I tend to speak freely. I am true to my friends, love my family. Its rather large with all the nieces & nephews. No kids of my own. I have a stable life & enjoy it. Love my pets. Very dependable, always willing to help. A good listener. Value everything in my life. Figure I have nothing to lose by trying this internet thing. Not looking for anything serious. But not afraid of anything that comes to be. New friends. So what the heck lets see if there is something out here in the net. Self promotion is not very fun…It sounds so serious. Wanna know more Just ask…

It also helps not to convey immediately that your partner will be required to do all the heavy lifting, a la this gent:

I am a hard working professional with a strong work ethic; I love God, my family, myself and women. Have had a difficult time finding the right woman to enjoy life with and who will do whatever it takes to make it work.

[NOTE: Avoid saying you "love women." Just trust me.]

And if you are smart and interesting, you’re halfway there. In that case, you may think you’re special, but god help you if you demonstrate it thusly:

Have you ever thought you played the perfect match of tennis in the perfect Austin weather even though you lost toy our best freind afterwards having a chilled glass of Viognier at the Hotel San Jose succeeding an expertly poached salmon in spicy mango sauce – the one dish you can make better than anyone – just before dancing to Dale Watson across the street at the Continental Club where you laugh in remembrace of the time you went to the Netherlands last year to see Dale in concert just because why-the-heck-not all the while having that obscure philosophy passage you read perk up in your mind reminding yourself to bring it up in conversation over a cheese plate at the lounge at the Four Seasons, but definitely not before the piano guy plays your request, Sara Smile by Hall & Oates, until thoughts give way to sleep give way to dreams about tomorrow’s hike, longhorn baseball bleacher sitting, and whatever? no? why not?

This guy’s way too far up his own ass for me to help him, but it’s not too late for you. Remember, when the urge to dip your toe in the stream of consciousness waters hits you, resist. Don’t try to cram in evidence of your shameful taste in music (Hall and Oates?), and never, ever, ever play the overly-specific game. Contrary to your belief in your own gripping originality, all of this has in fact been done before. Statistical analysis shows the results from such efforts are less than encouraging.

I’d say just follow your instincts, but I think that’s what’s gotten you, and the examples here (provided by reader carrie), into trouble. Instead, I guess you should try to suck less as a person.* From there, the rest will probably fall into place — in dating and in life. [slap on the shoulder] Best of luck with that.

*”Self-improvement” advice found in the pages of Maxim, FHM, or Blender may be hazardous to your dating health. You have been warned.

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 25th, 2006 at 8:15 am and is filed under Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.