For all you macho men out there who drink Tab, please prepare yourself for disappointment: that brand is “ladies only.”
I know, I’m sorry. I’ll give you a moment.
Those of you angered by this sudden development are probably wondering how I’ve come to know this. Well, Coke’s introduced a new energy beverage and is using the Tab moniker to market it exclusively to women. Please meet Tab Energy.
According to their ad on the telly, Tab Energy exists because “women need a different kind of energy.” By that, I assume they mean “energy that doesn’t make you too uppity” or “energy that can only be tapped for child-bearing and driving to lacrosse practice,” but I can’t be sure without more info from Coke.
So let’s go surfing. If you want a company to give you all the ammo you need to be deeply offended by them, simply visit their product website. Tab Energy’s site tips us off quickly that thinking ladies should exit stage left.
Loading the page gives me some phunky-phresh beats, which I actually don’t hate (and I’m a guy, so that’s odd), and we are presented with a saucily-coifed model behind the slogan “A deliciously pink, low-cal energy drink — because it’s hard work being fabulous.”
“Deliciously pink” sounds more like a website where naked, artifically-enhanced women make out with each other than a phrase a woman would want to hear in conjunction with something to ingest. I’d also like to know what the ladies in the audience think pink tastes like: cotton candy? Pepto Bismol? Salmon? White people? Let me know when you think of something that “tastes pink” that you’d want to sip from a can.
Oooh, I just switched beats. I’m popping and locking, people!
And whoa! At some point while writing the above, the picture switched. My model guide is now doing her best Cameron Diaz impression at a desk while on the phone. This assures me that working women can be fabulous on the job. Maybe Tab Energy isn’t so evil, then. Let’s click on some links and find out.
I want to learn “About Tab Energy,” so I click there first. They switch models and give me a gal on the go in Luke Skywalker’s pants and Pam Anderson’s boots. I also get “nutritional information” and a Q&A. The info is what you’d expect, so let’s review the highlight of the Q&A:
Q: If Tab Energy doesn’t taste like Tab, why call it Tab Energy?
A: The Tab brand has been built on qualities like its uniqueness, its taste, low calories, beauty and style. We believe our new energy drink embodies all of these qualities as well, so it made sense to name it Tab Energy.
Anyone ever looked at a can of Tab and thought “beauty and style?” If so, I am revoking your beauty and style card. I’m sorry, it’s in the bylaws.
Switching beats again, I’m now vibing on the chill tip. Shouldn’t this beat give you more energy? Perhaps they want to induce sleepiness in the hopes that you’ll rush out and acquire some Tab Energy to stave off a nap.
Coke has decided to express Tab’s fabulousness in “Daily Thoughts” and a section called “Fabulous is…”
Good news. Fabulous is:
Style. Fashion. Grace. Ability. Success. These are all words to which we women can relate, and words we would probably use in defining the essence of being fabulous.
To make this clearer, they give us the profile of 3 women who “inspired” them. My favorite is Vanessa, who owns a clothing boutique and says you can’t have style without “knowing yourself first.” I’ve always found the best-dressed people in the world to have the most personal insight, I have to give Vanessa that. I can see why Coke was so inspired.
The “Daily Thought:”
Your inspiration for being fabulous today… Clap more.
…
Quick, look over here! You can also download fabulous desktops like this:
Soon all your co-workers will be cooing over your wallpaper. Just remember that if they’re laughing, it’s only because they don’t know themselves well enough to be as fabulous as you. Someday maybe they’ll understand why a disheveled model hunching over a scooter looking like she’s about to blow chunks is tres fabulique.
As if all of this wasn’t bad enough, we finally get to the Heart of Darkness: Tab Energy’s “Stylish Greetings.”
The first thing you can do here is generate an email greeting card to a friend so that you can say what you have to say with maxx style. Your can write your own message or choose one of their pre-made starters. Below are the 6 most important things Coke thinks women have to say to their friends:
At least they didn’t include “Do you mind if I date your ex?” or “Math is hard!” — though I’m sure those were in the top 10.
Fortunately for those who enjoy self-torture, the email greetings barely register on the embarrassment scale when compared to the second “Stylish Greeting” option: style cards. Coke says “This option is for you if you’ve ever handed out a business card in a social situation and thought there must be something better.”
This is better:
If a woman ever earnestly handed me this card at a bar, the perfect storm of dumfoundedness, hilarity, and product rage would kill me on the spot. Still, Coke thinks women want these things, and they can print them off in sheets of 8. You can change the message to whatever you like, but really, don’t they all say, simply, “Commit me?”
It gets better, too. See the little heart at the bottom? Cute, right? Well, you can choose from a number of icons: a shopping bag, a set of high heels, a giant diamond engagement ring, and a red wagon. These are the icons of fabulous womanhood. I couldn’t figure out what the wagon was for, which bothered me, but then I remembered that it makes it easier for a man to tote his trophy wife around, and I was re-fabulized.
Ladies, it’s about time someone reached out to you in this, the era of Feminism Realized. My initial concerns about Coke wanting to give you energy but only as a homebody were unwarranted. They still want you to be a nutty materialistic fembot, but at least you can do it on the job or on the go with Tab Energy.
Let the fabulousness commence.
Someone got paid actual money to put that site together.
Yup. Anyone care to lay odds on whether it was a dude?
Keep in mind that for some women, when they say, “I think this is what women are all about,” what they really mean is, “What other women, below my stature as a valued tool of patriarchy, are all about.”
Also, I think red wagons are for mommies, esp. those who have had so many kids, (what with no birth control access) that they cannot afford a stroller, and have to tote their kids around in a wagon. I hear it’s supposed to be cute. Kinda like cutifying – oh, sorry, fabuloazing – the whole “workhorse” epithet thing.
Turns out the red wagon=play dates.
Tammy,
Yeah, it’s true. I was just teasing about them being used to tote trophy wives around. Given how insane the site is, though, it wouldn’t be impossible to believe…
Play dates. As opposed to very, very serious dates, which are always just _oodles_ of fun.
Look, I know it’s a joke to all you non-breeders, but the thought of a beatiful classy woman handing me a card asking to arrange a playdate sends shivers up my spine.
You gotta take the thrills where you can get them.
What if you take riding around in a wagon seriously?
i needed some inspiration for being fabulous after tears of laughter ruined my makeup (ha)`, so i went over to tab energy. it turns out that my inspiration for being fabulous today is…. swoon your fans.
swoon your fans? apparently someone over there at tab energy needs some grammar help with transitive and intransitive verbs. along with all the other help they need, of course.
so, checking out the ingredients list, we find that #3, right after water and citric acid, is taurine. I thought that was something only cats needed? Meeee-yow! Fabu!
Oh wait, wikipedia says taurine is involved in:
inhibitory neurotransmission, long-term potentiation in the striatum/hippocampus, membrane stabilization, feedback inhibition of neutrophil/macrophage respiratory bursts, adipose tissue regulation, and calcium homeostasis, and is found in many energy drinks and is abundant in most cat foods. Yum! delicious summer smoothies coming up!
also, thought for the day: reach for the stars. or i’ll shoot.
Carrie–at least they assumed you had fans. My inspiration was “reach for the stars”.
And Marc, tsk, tsk! I have a “For the Ladies” catagory just for stuff like this!
[...] But I wanted to play anyway. Amanda has put the Tab card maker to proper use. Here’s my submission, because I couldn’t come up with anything sexual that beat Amanda’s. PS: I am not an actual condensed matter physicist, I just chose it because it sounded good, [...]
Heh, and I thought that category was for posting pr0n with buff naked guys in repose.
R. Mildred, it’s your blog too. Don’t let me stop you.
Tab was *always* marketed as a women’s beverage, from its inception on. Sorry, kids–dumbass target marketing has existed longer than most of you.
“I’d also like to know what the ladies in the audience think pink tastes like”
Though I am not a fabulous woman, I have actually tasted Tab Energy as part of my continuing energy-drink taste test. I do apologize for further funding the Coke Monster, but it was in the interest of Science!
I have some important data to report about exactly how Coke thinks pink should taste: It should taste like Dr. Pepper with a faint note of Watermelon Jolly Rancher.
It may not be immediately noticeable, but once you know what to look for, the flavor of Jolly Rancher is unmistakable. I have this confirmed from 3 independent sources.
Whoa, whoa whoa there Mr mischaracterisation.
No one drives to lacrosse practice – we ride sidesaddle on our ponies.
Since I’m semi-addicted to Tab Energy (which is the only one of those mini-can drinks that doesn’t taste like evil [it instead tastes like watermellon jolly ranchers]), does that mean I’m now a slutty girl?
Because I’m okay with that. I just need to know, because I’m going to need a new wardrobe.
Oh, and quick Tab side-note: when Coca-Cola was trying to come up with a name for their as-yet-unformulated diet cola, they had a computer kick out three-letter combinations, since they thought those sounded “hip” and “now.” They picked Tab, presumably since Tat and Bab sounded silly.
What’s a low calorie energy drink? What’s a calorie if it’s not a unit of energy?
Jeff, without help from your style card, I can’t be entirely sure what kind of girl you are. Do you happen to have one handy?
Tab’s energy beverage is awesome tasting AND high-powered! Yes, it does taste like Jolly Ranchers, and the caffeine and amino acids just blast my brain! Great stuff!
Sparkina, are you one of those bloggers secretly hocking products on comment boards?
JackGoff, don’t be so suspicious. Don’t you usually describe things you enjoy using marketing buzzwords like “high powered” and “blast my brain!”? Or think to mention both the caffeine AND the amino acids (WTF?) that everyone knows are in energy drinks?
Anyway, Tab(R)Low-Cal Energy drink is an energy-boost that fits my lifestyle! Its supercharged amino acids give me that extra sparkle I need to get through a hectic day of being a hip working girl. Why, I couldn’t make it through a whole day without my Tab(R)!
Whoever’s paying Sparklina can send my check to Punkass Blog, Austin, TX, within 30 days.
It is a little interesting that the only three posts ever in PAB history have gotten that kind of fly-by posting. Two (this one and the KFC Famous Bowl one) were people who felt the need to heroically come to the aid of a mocked corporate product, and the rest were people passionate about Brangelina. Clearly we’ll have to do more posting on products and celebrities to see if we can find some sort of pattern.
Well, I’m actually getting paid to shill Red Bull, so Sparkina is my competition.
Great-all we need is someone pimping Jaegermiester and we’ve got ourselves a Jeagerbomb party!