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In this exciting new feature, I plan to pit the stupid socio-economic philosophies of the right that just will not Die against a large dangerous animal in a fight to the finish.

This week:
That most dangerous of all of nature’s tools, The Social Darwinist:

Is pitted against the awesome force that is…

Some Endangered Tigers!

Let the metaphor begin!

Social Darwinist: So this is a metaphor?

Me (RM): Well yeah, but it’s a social metaphor which will end with you being eaten by a tiger, and probably after cleaning up its crap first.

SD: So what’s in it for me?

RM: Well you don’t get a choice, you see you symbolise the working class in this metaphor, that’s why you’re butt naked when it’s cold and raining in that tiger pit.

SD: But I didn’t ask to symbolise the working classes!

RM: I’d like to find just one factory worker or lettuce picker who chose to be born into their socio-economic group.

SD: Oh come on! It’s completly different, they can work their way up out of their socio-economic beginnings if they just work hard enough at it. Every working class person chooses to be poor through the act of not choosing to be rich, duh!

RM: Oh don’t get me wrong, you do get a chance to change you circumstances in this metaphor just like the working class do in their lives, you see, you’re butt naked and cold and wet, but you get the choice to wear this lovely thermal suit made entirely out of freshly killed meat, or not.

SD: Bu..WHAT!? I’m in a pit with some ferocious…

RM: …And really quite hungry…

SD: …tigers, and you ask me if I want to put on a meat suit!?

RM: Exactly, and the reason why is because the ferocious, quite hungry and highly territorial tigers represents both the class system itself and the upper classes who keep it maintained against outside influences.

SD: And all I get is a meat suit?

RM: You want the meat suit? I can just toss it in now if you want.

SD: NO! I just…That’s it? That’s all I get versus some tigers?

RM: Well if things get out of hand, this man with a gun will deal with it.

SD: ahh, so if it looks like the tigers are going to tear me to shreds he’ll shoot them with tranqs? No doubt he represents socialist government programs or something right?

RM: I hope not, considering he’s only here to shoot you in the head should you do anything that might, in anyway, harm those highly endangered tigers.

SD: WHAT!?

RM: You see, he represents the middle classes, who’s main reason for existence seems to be that they provide a handy bufferzone between the upper classes and the working classes they exploit. Oh! And to produce apologists for the class system that oppresses the working class, like you, who are privelaged or secretly think they’re going to get rich quick by the class system. Oh, that reminds me, here’s a shovel, or possibly a spade, I prefer pitchforks personally.

SD: uh, thanks I guess, what does this represent then?

RM: well I’m a bit conflicted about this, it’s either “gainful” legal employment or banking fees, loans and credit cards that are offered to the very poor. You can utilize it for its full metaphorical fulfillment by using it to shovel the tiger crap in the corner, thus causing the territorial tigers to understand precisely who’s in charge here, thereby quelling their territorial tendencies. They might eat you anyway of course, but that’s why it’s such a good metaphor, even if I do say so myself.

SD: It’s not actually a spade though is it? So much as a small plastic toy hand spade.

RM: well of course, ever since the class system unanimously voted the Bankruptcy bill through…

SD: The tigers… The Government didn’t unanimously vote through the Bankruptcy bill! Some parts of the Government voted against it!

RM: But the Tigers represent the Class system remember and only the upper classes. Now in a democracy everyone has a say in governement right? That what the name means “government by the people”, so as this is a democracy, and all the classes who had the opportunity to vote decided to vote for the bankruptcy bill, the entirety of the class system supported the bankruptcy bill.

SD: Isn’t that a bit convoluted?

RM: well, kinda, especially considering that tiger over there voted against the meat suit.

SD: He did?

RM: Yeah, he didn’t like the type of meat used. But the basic point remains that the class system as a whole voted for the bankruptcy bill without putting up any real opposition.

SD: But the working class can still opt out of getting credit cards and loans and being charged banking fees right?

RM: Well yes, theoretically.

SD: Can they or can’t they?

RM: Release the Giant Fan!

SD: What’s the fan for?

RM: Well, it’s cold, it’s wet, but for the poor, it can always get colder, this fan represents the ever increasing cost of living combined with the lower wages that results from outsourcing scams and similar cost evasion schemes the upper class utilize in their business practices and which the tigers, over there, do nothing to really stop or limit.
Turn it on boys!

SD: Oh, My God, I’ll die of hyperthermia like this!

RM: Unless you take the Meat suit…

SD: Brr! Okay okay, give me the meat suit dammit, and I’ll just get to shovelling this crap then shall I?

RM: Okay! Now you’re learning!

SD: Ah, that’s much better, now don’t mind me tigers I’m…OH MY GOD AAIIEE! getemoffgetemoffme! AAARRRRGH! Help me! mommee!

Results of the metaphor:

Tigers (representing the Class system and the Upper Classes): 1
A Social Darwninist (playing the part of the working classes): 0

disclaimer: This post is not advocating that social darwinists should be thrown into pits with tigers, it’s just an illustrated metaphor.